Is there anything I could do
my love
to pull you out form
under?

Is there anything I could do
my love
to at least silence the
thunder?

If there was anything,
would you tell me?
If there was something,
would you want me to be
the one beside you?

Show me how I can love you better.

Show me how I can draw the
pain out from your veins.

Show me how you need to be loved.

Because I feel universes away from you
when I want to be beside you...

Show me
because you smile
yet I see your pain..

Show me
because you smile
yet I feel your aching..

Not being able
to love you
is exhausting.

"A lifetime spent with you will never be long enough"

"Let's start with forever."

I'm sorry
I am hurting.
Soon, love
I will be
no
longer
your
concern..

For the first time in what feels like forever,
I felt most myself tonight..
Felt more human than ever.

Standing in the bluegrass field,
gazing up at the swirling hues
that made up the night's sky,
violet, navy, fuchsia, gold..
A single tear drop falling
from my eyes
as I listen to a song
my lover gave to me.

This is when I feel most human.
Most myself.
When I feel the depths of the earth
beneath my feet
as I loose my balance & grasp on
everything I had previously come to know,
as I become fixated upon the
vivid masterpiece above..
As I feel my broken heart
still somehow beating
out of my chest
even though it is hurting & scattered
across the fertile grounds
like seeds of love to be sown..

I took a deep breath in...

I closed my eyes & let my
hands fall to my sides.
I opened my eyes & looked past
the horizon..
I noticed the softness of my hair
grazing my cheek as it was sweeping
across my vision gently by the
breeze..

In that moment,
I felt like me.

Standing there, I knew who I was.
And I know that no one will ever
convince me otherwise..

Approaching you,
beloved
I saw your smile
slowly sink as you
noticed..
"Are you okay?"
You asked me.
You felt my heart
was weary..
My eyes don't lie,
I'm sure.
"No" I said.
But I smiled anyway & chuckled
& changed our subject
to physical pain
instead
because I was afraid..
I didn't tell you
what was hurting me..
If you knew the mess
within my mind,
would you ever forgive me? . . .

How silly of me
to think you were concerned
for my wellbeing.
I am trying to keep
myself safe
so that I can keep
those I love safe,
and all you can say is
"you worry a bit too much".

This heart feels
the satisfaction you harvest after
planting the hurt in it.
Near or far,
your words and words I wanted you to say
haunt it until it breaks.
Over & over.
I can't help but wonder
if you won't walk away
because you enjoy seeing
me struggle beneath your intentions,
or because you know
I wouldn't have the strength to walk away
myself.
And the part that really gets me
is not knowing which one is the truth.
And wondering if you would tell me. . .

I call out for you
reaching my hand out
to pull you out
from under...

You don't seem to hear me
nor do I feel you want to

I ask everyone around me
"Have you seen him?"
. . .
"Do you know where he went?"
. . .
No one seems to know
nor do I feel they want to tell me

Why are you slipping away?
Was I right all along?
Will I make you realize
I am not what you
thought you loved?
Will I make your eyes see
who I really am
to watch you turn around & walk away. . .

My hand pulls back
as I fall into the black void
between vivid dreams & waking life

Toss & turn..
but when I wake,
will I still be dreaming? . . . . .

Dream after dream
Of you not wanting me...

Good for you,
See you’ve been working on your
Family tree

Hope she loves you
And you live & die so happily

You saw me crying
Begging, honey please just
Set me free

Already
Left to live my life
Just watch me, count to
Three…

I bite my tongue
until it bleeds
with my heart.
My foot slowly
pressing harder on
the gas pedal.
Heart pounding. Racing.
Racing my thoughts.
I close my eyes.
Zero to sixty
in a forty-five.
I am blessed & cursed.
I feel too much
too deeply
too often.
Everything, I take
to heart.
You know, yet here I sit
aching replaying words you said
& words you never said.
Vivid images replay in my mind;
You watching me walk away
when I needed you the most..
Zero to sixty.
I wonder what pain
would you feel if I
were gone?
Desperately needing
to know how much I
really mean to you.
Zero to sixty.
This is wrong.
I try to strip the thoughts
from my mind.
Stuck in my head,
struggling to keep my head
above the waves again.
Show me..
Show me these
"what if's" don't have a
need for existence...

Protecting you & keeping you safe is my job so if that means wearing a mask then I'll do whatever it takes without one moment of hesitation

I had all of you

I wish I had you for the most part

I have some of you

I feel like I have none of you

I'm afraid if you had all of me
you'd want to go back to having only
some.

I want to know
all of the parts
you don't dare show
anyone else

I want to love
all of the little pieces
everyone else finds
annoying

I want to see
every side of you
the good, the bad, the ugly
everything...

I want to touch
your heart in a way
no one else has ever
touched it
and take your breath away
just by looking in your
direction or by my arm gently
grazing yours when we stand
side-by-side

I want to hear
your sigh at the end
of a long day
and remind you that
you are enough
you are okay
you are known
you are loved
you are seen
you are felt
you are heard

Fall into me
love
& I will catch you

I will catch you
when you are falling
out of the up
& falling into the down
every time

I will catch you
when you are falling into
the darkness of your own
mind & mess

I will catch you
and wake you out of your
nightmares
to love you & hold you

Your eyes speak before you.
Please don't hide away
your pain, give it to me, love
I want it instead.
I feel it before you even say a word.
All the pain you feel, I'd take it for you...

I promise you,
every time
I will catch you...

Hands trembling
from the thought of
not feeling yours

Chasing after my breath
from the memory of
feeling you walk away

I have withdrawals
when we are apart

Is this too much?

Is it too much to want to
be by your side
every moment
my heart still beats?

I'm so easy to love
you tell me

I'm so worth loving
you say
There's so much to love...

But would you walk away
if you knew how much
I want to be able to love you
& be loved by you?

Would you walk away
if you felt the depths of my heart
& heard the way it beats louder than
ten billion fireworks,
and the roaring thunder of a thousand storms
at sea with its crashing waves
as all of the stars is the universe collide?

Would you still
if you knew how much
the butterflies in my stomach
make my cheeks turn red as rubies
every time our eyes meet?

Would you still love me
if you knew how far I'd go
to save you?

Would you laugh at
how much I want you to want me?
How much I want you to need me?

...or maybe
we'll just love without a care...
and just maybe we will match
each other's love & strengths
while we love like no one is watching...
like we only have this one moment...

one
moment...

Anxiety crawling up my throat

Oxygen unable to fill my lungs the way it's supposed to

It lives inside, demanding to be felt

I let it make it's way out

I look it straight into its ice cold crystal blue eyes

And I say "you no longer hold the permission to have control over me,"

"It is I who gets to have reign over you."

No more promises,

Because nothing is guaranteed in this life

Everything we thought we'd have can be taken away in the blink of an eye. . .

If the me that existed a few months ago went through what I'm going through tonight, she would be broken & collapsed on my floor without a single word, thought, feeling, or action that belonged to her, but to everyone else who knew what was good for her.
The difference now is I only feel stronger facing my deepest & darkest & most vulnerable fears despite being the only one fighting for myself.
I only feel stronger.
I only feel s t r o n g e r . . .

5th shot fired.

I stand alone once more
just the way I knew I would be.

The truth is out.

No longer something I carry
on my own.

If I was worth fighting for
why did it take this long
for you to want to?

A chance for conversation.

Would you deny me again?

I'm fighting...
fighting to make sure
I do not get backed into
the corner again
as I stand here alone
again...