we always said
it was black & white.

that it's funny it seems like
siblings are only ever either
angry & malicious towards one another
or authentic, goofy, obnoxious, & happy.

but i think we're seeing new colors here...
some shades of gray...
some blues...

we're learning that there's more to this,
that we feel something deeper,
more valuable, more tangible...

we hugged twice today.
that doesn't normally happen.

i made you hot cocoa today.
you went for a walk with me.
there was something i've been wanting to say.
& you just listened.

i noticed the warmth in the room
when it used to always be cold.

& the best part is,
you noticed it too.

every night when i close my eyes,
you follow me,
you tap me on the shoulder
& ask if we could talk for a moment,
there is something important
you want to say...

so i listened but everything you said
i couldn't understand,
it was like a different language,
from another planet or another land.

fMRIs of brains under emotional pain show neural activity in the exact same regions (insula, dACC, and thalamus) when physical pain is felt.

they used to tell me to stay away from you because you'd hurt me...
but now it's you who tells me.

i won't let you close enough to hurt me like before.
and you shouldn't let anyone do the same.

you were the sand that i tightened my grip around, causing you to slip through my fingers faster than if i loosened them...

i wanted to get it right so badly that i always got it wrong.

& we had no idea that electricity would turn to lightning.

you said you'd never break the bottle

don't . . .

while mine is tucked away, safe & in a place no one could ever remove the lid again (no one but us)

just in case we'll ever need it . .

i kind of love it
when it all falls apart.
because then i know
it will only become
better than it ever was.

& i no longer daydream
about a life where
sadness is starring in
my own movie.