before

i couldn't wait to see you,
you made the noise turn into sound,
you made the murky water run clear

the possibility of having you,
the plethora of simultaneous emotions
crumbled & simplified to one:
happiness.

everything i once denied
i openly addressed,
i was free, i was flying
& no longer depressed.

i won't say i miss you
because i don't want to make
you feel uncomfortable
or make it awkward between us,
but "we can still be friends"
you said.

after

i don't look for you anymore,
and now the sound has turned into music,
because i deserve to dance
even if it's by myself.

my river runs clear,
it's roaring & pouring itself
out and into the open milky way
i once swam in every time i looked into
your eyes.

but i'm creating & naming
my own stars now,
crafting my own galaxy
out of the scars you left behind.

scars to stars,
what i wanted
was never ours.

the possibility of having you
was always just a possibility.

the plethora of simultaneous emotions,
now a complex of 2:
vigilant & content.

"i still want to hang out with you"
but not a single second
was spent...

everything i once openly addressed,
i cuff myself, i clip my wings,
once again become obsessed...

i won't say i miss you
because i don't.

so don't hope that i will,
because i won't.

i suppress the monster within,
hungry for more of you.

it can be found
hidden in plain sight,
never gone
but a little shy in the light.

it lurks in the shadows
beneath my eyes,
from long sleepless nights
of missing what we used to be

it resides in the music
we shared and grew
new life from

some may say
it has red eyes,
sharp claws,
and gnashing teeth,
awaiting your return
only to have your heart ripped to shreds...

but it only sees you
for what you are,
sees you for who you were,
who you're trying to be,
and who you want to become.

it's waiting for you
to see you're stronger than you feel,
to see you're capable of being loved
and always hoping you will
remember how to love in return...

a creature of habit,
it loves it hurts it loves it hurts
it doubts it believes it doubts it believes...

it knows that unconditional
means seeing the darkest parts of another
and loving them more despite
how scary it might be,
being fully known, fully seen.

a monster's reputation
stained like red wine
on a white **** rug...

ruby red eyes that are actually
deep brown and yearning to meet yours again . . .
sharp claws that are actually
soft hands aching to touch what was once theirs . . .
and gnashing teeth that are really just
warm lips longing to merely graze the edge of yours . . .

and nothing less than
a cracked heart,
awaiting something it hopes
one day will find it's way back to it,
home and to stay,
maybe once and for all . . .