I decided that it was time.
It’s as simple as that
just closed my eyes.
It was dark.

The thoughts that intruded
seemed but a hum
just closed my mind
it was strange.

With full conviction
I walked out of myself.
just around my room
until I was ready.

The dream had begun
the halls flicked with mist
I inched in anticipation
to the front door.

The door revealed
or was it my mind?
A purple world
my coloured canvas.

I chose to make the sun rise
but found it to dim
so I rose another, his brother
and exploded him.

The light shattered me
my heart in awe
Knowing without a doubt
I created what I saw.

It seeps into my body like an invisible ink
following all the misleading signs of my mind.
I try not to listen to its absurdities
I try not to be afraid if they are true.
But I can’t help but wonder
Do they know something I don’t?

My logic often gets in the way,
constantly in disarray.
I beg my heart to listen to my head.
My head tells my heart to listen up good.
But my heart...

That cavity in my chest that brings me so much unrest.
It makes me cower in its power. It owns me
Something deep inside.
A force so abundant I struggle to hide.

It knows.
Everything.
I can feel it.
And is wrenching me apart.

Its not enough.
Doesn't fill my veins with the right kind of blood.
Its too thin,
Pleasures of this kind of life leave me slain.
I would rather have pain, intense pain.
Than this normal feeling.  

Life is not meant to be a stroll
but a panicked tumble into the unknown.
Full of wonders and delight and confusion
and well I don’t even know

I would love to open my eyes
Really really wide
See what is right in front of me.
What my heart can see and I now I bleed.

My hands caress a body that is controlled.
But inside lays such a storm.
It is scratching on the walls of my skin.
It sends messages through the breath going out and in.
It allows little whispers to flow through my heart to my head.

Unless you are totally alive then you are part dead.

It all became a void
as i fell backwards
endlessly
among the rocks that chimed
I told myself
"ive been here before"
and allowed myself to fall

It seemed to go on endlessly
tumbling, not breathing.
I was sure this was it
the end of something
but
just before the surrender
the moment of death
I faltered
I was afraid

The layer upon layer
that seemed to then become
a dream I could not wake from
kept running, fleeing.
Looking for the door
that has all the light
or dark

Even now, someone smirks
"you are still dreaming"
I laugh and agree
how would i know the difference?

Dismember the sky
removing all its cherished guides
Under your thumb, blacken,
the controller of the tides.

Moving onto the illuminaters
that race with fire and tail,
blowing out its sparkling heart,
never again to see its trail.

Finally turning towards the one
the closest to our skin
Trample his shining glory,
enter the nightmare of unawaking.

Now blinking in your darkness
I want you to reach out and find
that one hand that forever waits
even when life has hurt you blind.

What lies in your eyes
are the lies that I despise
doesn't come close
transparent as a politician
yet I still listen
in hope that my optimism
can twist it
into something I can believe.

Your smile can erase
every trace
of my abiding detestation
for something as smile
for a moment
for a while.

I trust the haze I feel
the curtains which in my heart
only absorb the light
in my mind
I know there is only the devastation
of your cold night.