How am I to live?
When this vow goes unbroken?
Too silent;
Too long.

A single dream
Was all it took to break me

A life far more complex than mine,
I'll grant that it was not ideal.
A life filled with choices too asinine
to consider how it would make me feel
But doing anything, to look as right in that dress,
An honest truth, admittance, I'll acquiesce.

All it took to break me
Was to wake up from that dream

A toxic miasma
An infection in my blood's plasma
It obscures my mind from view
Impossible to push thoughts through
But my poetry will persevere
I don't care for caution against severe
Repercussions for forcing myself to think.
I will not allow my art to sink.

Misery after euphoria,
Euphoria after misery.
Every moment, new dysphoria,
Every kind act feels like trickery.

So round and round
In a circle I go,
What semblance of truth I've found
Has been quickly lost in the flow.

I've had twelve whole hours
I could pen a masterpiece
This haiku will do

It may seem minor to you
But to me it's so much more.
I know these flying beasts aren't new
And I know there's going to be more.

I need warmth and comfort,
Not ridicule.
Yet you seem to relish discomfort;
You enjoy making me feel a fool.

I feel utterly alone

You still mean each one,
Even though you mean them differently.
These are feelings I should shun,
But they mean too much to me.

A void lies empty,
Debris clanging off of me,
Drifting silently.

A radio calls out,
Chatter from a time gone by,
Static fills my ears.

They ponder and scream,
Dead voices, suspended here;
A nightmare outside.

Synapses flashing,
Broadcasting new pain to me;
Memories not mine.

No time to live now,
Too long living in the past,
I'm lost in subspace.

My life is one born of instinct;
I act, I do not think.
Your accusations are indistinct,
but rational.
How could I possibly argue your truth?
Still, I feel my heart sink.
Perhaps I'm too lost in my youth.
My intrinsic patterns proved fatal.

Calling me a prepubescent child felt unneeded though.

The marks on my neck
Do nothing to ease my pain
Do nothing to ease my fears
Do nothing to ease my despair

They only remind me
That I'm here on my own
That I'm here in memories
That I'm here without you

And I'm forced to imagine
All the men staring at you
All the things you're going through
All the things that remind you

And I'm forced to remember
The look in your eyes
The curve of your smile
The feel of your hand

I can't think without you
I can't sleep without you
I can't eat without you
I can't live without you

What can our next step be?
This valley is becoming so deep.
Sheer cliffs either side of me,
Pressing in ever further to keep
Me restricted in this place.
Does the sight of myself harm me so?
I'm the first to admit I'd do anything to erase
This body that keeps my spirits so low,
But this catch 22 I find myself in
Is a low even I do not wish to partake.
****** if I do, if I don't, I can't win,
And even still I'm worrying these feelings are fake.
I've sunk too far to hope to surface.
I'm drowning in depths of my own despair.
I tried to find my life at my own pace,
But I guess I forgot to come up for air.

Tick
Tick
Tick
Against my wrist
Against my mind
Tick
Tick
Tick
Forever pushing forward
Forever falling behind
Tick
Tick
Tick
Gears turning it's face
Gears turning my mind
Tick

Tick


Tick



Until this moment lasts forever

A centum of poetic prose
Presented daily from this fractured soul
A veritable storm of highs and lows
As I've stretched to make myself whole

At the start, I was skeptic,
Never believing I could take myself this far,
But through a life dysphoric and narcoleptic,
I'm proud to say this doesn't seem bizarre.

It's not quite a third ways through,
But I'm maintaining a strong pace.
So, as I continue to write about you,
I hope you'll help me find my place.

Her eyes are so pretty
Her fur is so fluffy
I tried to be witty
With a name so strange

Yet now I see her
A kitty like this
A name like that
Listening to her purr
Listening to her hiss
Perfect for a cat-pat

How did this happen

If only I could comfort you,
And be a shoulder to cry on.
If only I could be there for you,
And be a warmth you can rely on.
If only I could brighten the sky for you,
And become something you can depend on.

Alas, I cannot,
Seems I only know how to make it worse;
I simply cannot
Understand why you choose to keep this curse.

'they're both so manly'
I thought you would know better
Maybe you do know
Maybe you speak truth
But you're trampling my heart
And it hurts too much

Woolen caps and puffy coats
The crowd yet further bloats
On and on and another one yet
Totaling an ever higher net
No room to breathe here
Claustrophobia
Rising
Rising
A thousand thousand men
A ***** glare too often
A single crimson strand
Hidden in the most common brand
Alone
Alone
Forever

She called me a lady
And it made me happy.

Nobody was hurt,
or wanted to flirt;

Just a seller, doing her job.
Making me happy enough to sob.

So why is it so hard for you?

A day upon a day, with a thousand days more;
Stretching out afore me, too far to be sure,
Can I even make it? The end seems too far,
But I will take that first step.

A step upon a step, with a thousand steps more;
Passing each moment, more confident than before.
I have decided to make it, I don't care how far.
I'll keep on walking.

It's all the small things
That keep me pinned to the ground.
A thousand thousand grains of sand
Each a weight beyond me,
Each a weight I cannot bear.
I hate it.
I hate that I can't fix it.

This run cancelled your plans
Yet somehow I feel relieved.

Perhaps I need to think about myself more,
Rather than accepting more tasks to endure.

I've looked back over the last month or two.
Read everything I thought to put down.
Sometimes I hype too much about the little stuff,
Or go into too much detail about things being rough
And the metaphors? I really went to town.
But reading it all, I bore a smile too.

Because I can see me getting better.

A fictional home,
In a fictional town,
Walls and fences made of data,
Without any tangible meaning.

Yet it's here it happens
Without fail, every time,
My eyes fall on the mat on the floor,
And they grow misty with tears.

Letters and emails
Emerge like hideous weeds
They serve one purpose

They all remind me
Of all my failings in life
I am stranded here

I had a poem ready, a light-hearted ode
To identities I'd rather have,
And lives I'd like to live.
But in hindsight seems insensitive,
Simple references to machines of war,
Turn from what was implied.
Because the inference is the key
And right now such things are taboo,
Not from some self-important sense of justice,
but because of the nightmares we're about to live through.
I can only pray;
Wishing this isn't what we are.

You tried to scam me
With fake certification,
But I saw through you

Your desperate threats,
Spiralling legality,
All clearly nonsense

I'm a bad target,
Never that easy to fool;
Too big brain for you.

Tears are falling
pit pat
pit pat
A single thought, uttered
From a dark place, unwanted
pit pat
pit pat
Violent, harsh, and completely unmeant
A brutal call from the void
pit pat
pit pat
I hope you can forgive me
I understand if you can't

Perhaps I could solve all this,
These problems we're drowning under.
People around me are faking bliss,
As if their worries don't tear them asunder.
But it has to weigh on them too.
I'm not the only one gasping for air.
They've strength to put on a brave face, and do
Everything they can to survive a life unfair,
Maybe I could too, had I that drive,
The flame within to see my hopes flowered
Into something that makes me proud to be alive,
Or maybe, I could finally be a coward.

I've nothing to give
To the discussions of my betters;
The unscalable wall that lies
Between my thoughts and theirs.
Moments like this make it hard to live,
My motivation fetters.
None listen for comments or cries,
I'm seperate from the other's cares.

It's times like this:
Listening to friends,
I'm truly alone.

By my own will, I am undone,
This truth I cannot deny.
Sins that I cannot condone
Run rife in me as I continue to cry
About ev'ry misstep I've taken
In this life I've long since forsaken.

Dreams of love, success, and joy,
All these things are nothing now.
As fate befell the walls of Troy,
So too am I laid low.
Though now I can hardly see your face,
I pray you take me to your warm embrace.

Away from the troubles of this world I see,
Where the wishes of the poets and dreamers
Are trampled underfoot of wishes to be free
Of the sycophants and their schemers,
Take me where my troubles seem large,
And hold me there, let me recharge.

Then, finally, when all is light,
When my body feels akin to a feather,
Take me away on your sunset flight
To a land I need not weather.
Hold my head close to your chest,
And praise me for trying my best.

A sheet upon a sheet with a thousand more,
Clogging up spaces and fields galore,
Sealed together by blood and disease,
Yet scattered and thrown by a gentle breeze.
These remnants are a danger.
To myself, my family, any stranger,
So they'll be disposed away.
Yet frequency means the stack will stay.

Grotesque
Disgusting
Three sizes beyond the max

But that's reality

It's the things we cannot change that hurt us
And my life is completely unwanted

Overdesign can **** a dream;
It's tearing my plot straight down the seam.
But it's okay to take a step back.
Maybe it is just focus I lack,
But I have more ideas.

And it's okay to work on something different.

A glare bores into the back of my skull,
I can feel it when I look away.
It exudes more pressure each night and day
And leaves my nerves too full.

Whenceforth does it spring from?
This gaze that drills deep into me?
Why must it lie where I cannot see,
Intent on making me numb?

I'm left adrift in an auburn sky,
Horizons choked black by dust and ash,
Flung up by frustrations and actions too brash,
And ever-longing wishes to die.

A moment more akin to eternity,
Yet an option otherwise is something to fear.
I have days when I want her,
Yet more days when I don't.
I must live without the clarity
Of what I really want so dear;
Maybe it's simpler to just endure,
Even if I know I won't.

The loneliness hurts,
But it's all I know.

It shakes beneath me
Crumbling
Aging
Decaying
But I climb ever higher

A void sits above me
Open
Dark
Empty
But I climb ever higher

The weight on my back
Heavy
Significant
Important
But I climb ever higher

I must
Because you can't make this journey anymore

Should I feel shame?
I do.
Your affections seem so tame,
So simple and easy for you,
It's something that comes natural.
It isn't your fault my heart is so fractal.

I sit here, overcome with envy,
I wear it as easily as I breathe.
It isn't a shade that suits me;
At least, that's what I like to believe.
I selfishly crave everything you have,
Because it is everything I cannot have.

Will never have.

Can never have.

The jealous do not prosper.

Esoteric rants about meaningless interests,
Taken from too far within to be ignored by
Every person I've pushed my words onto, have
Reared themselves into yet another group.
Nobody can be forced to speak, or should,
And yet I'm casting a line again and again,
Learning slowly that I never learned to talk.

How cruel fate must be,
To turn me against my kin.
My desperation is becoming too thick to see
Any kind of retribution from this sin;
This sin of the face I wear, this prison of a body,
I hate them for being closer to freedom.
This furious envy I have come to embody
Suffocates me as the sinners of *****.
I'm losing myself to the darkest pits
Of my hideous mind, gnarled and rotten,
And that stink of selfishness now befits
This monster who has all but forgotten
What it was ever like to live free;
The gods themselves will not forfend
This state of being I deserve to be.
This nightmare will not end.

Deeds in the mail;
They'll make me female
In the eyes of the law
I've had to endure.

Even though the world is **** right now,
Filled with people who won't allow
Me to be who I know I am;
I can be me, thankyou ma'am.

I can be happy, for at least a little while.

Faulted over and over
For making a personal sacrifice
What, exactly, turns your glare so dark?
Do you see an insult or a takeover?
Or do you think this is some meaningless vice,
Just the beginning of an inferno's first spark?

Neither of us is happy here.
What part of that is unclear?

It all lost meaning because I didn't do it for me.
Getting all dressed up to the nines for everyone else
Took everything euphoric out of it all.

But now, I can see.
This time it was for myself.
It rose my heart too high to ever fall.

I lost my new identity
When it became a justification.
But I'm doing it all for me,
To hell with condemnation.

Misery breaks for apathy,
As dwindling strings fray to nothing.
I sit, motionless, encouraging atrophy,
The desire o'ergrowing for an ending.
Twenty three long years amount to nought,
A botched birthing the height of success,
Even to the eye of astronomers who sought
To catalogue ev'ry star despite any duress
Have long since stopped scouring the sky;
My light was fading too long ago.
Opportunity is there, albeit twice shy,
But there's simply no interest to follow.
My life has been one of selfishness, sin,
Now isolation comes baring its toll.
That lifeforce that balanced on a rusted pin
Has resigned itself to topple and fall.

It's a lot of words to say one thing,
Empty drivel of a life unlived through,
But to shout the truth till I hear angels sing?
That's the one act I simply could never do.

This place feels safer
This blanket of night holds me
I thought you would know

But I guess I'm wrong
My eyes cannot see the truth
Because you're long gone

I think I'll miss you
But only when I'm awake
Always preferred sleep