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"I can't read you my poetry,"
I say completely astonished:
"That's what confident people do,"
I hear myself say to an empty room.

("Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, the second one is looking for it")

Should I start to feel ashamed?
Because when people tell me I'm not confident now,
I want to scream that they're to blame,
And not for my so called "lack of self-confidence", only for their lies:
Because, I can be very confident sometimes,
I just probably won't tell you about it,
I don't want you to know,
If you thought I was so sure of myself, then that would make me low.

(I'm not speaking to myself though,
I'm simply conversing with people that you don't know are there,
And that's okay because,
I only do it noticeably when I'm alone.
They may not be real, but they exist to me,
Even more so than you and I.)

And yes, I know, that I have my moments;
I know what that feels like;
To question yourself and be convinced that
You're doing everything wrong,
I've had way too many times to recount to you,
But I also know, many occasions where I've secretly taken control back,
Where deep down, I know that I am kind of okay,
And I don't appreciate you questioning that,
Unless that's what I'm purposely trying to make you do.
-And maybe I'm slowly starting to ascertain, or wonder
That it's actually a bit manipulative,
And the fact I do it to make myself feel better
Is kind of messed up,
But honestly? It didn't seem like that when I did it,
I thought it was natural to be self-protective.
Self indulging,
My secrets unfolding,
Thoughts and feelings exposing,
Liars surrounding,
Who ask me to empty out my head
So that I can give everything inside to them,
But I don't want to be studied.
I hope no one takes this personally, but then again, it's not my job to make everyone happy and I know I don't need to explain myself to anyone.
I think I need new friends
Because, I'm bored of being kept waiting,
I'm annoyed with constant rejection.
I care too much and then all they aspire to do
Is to leave me,
Often multiple times,
As if it is so easy.

I think I need new friends,
But that's a waste of time.
I'll only be trying to shape someone in my mind,
Whose exactly like the others.
If you want a friendship as amazing as the last one,
You'd better have it with the same person,
But they left you
And treated you like *******,
After all they knew you'd always be there.

And I'm still waiting,
Though they never come back,
And even if they did,
I wouldn't be able to take them back.
I never used to let this person get away with everything,
So I don't know how it happened.
And once a friendship is dead,
There really is no coming back:
I've tried it but it's never been the same, except from once that is,
But they've left me for the last time,
Except now they're not coming back.

I think I need new friends,
Should it really make me feel so bad?
Aren't friends supposed to pick you up when you are sad?
All I ever do, is get left all on my own,
And in these desperate times,
When I only want approval,
All I see is holes in the connections
I'm supposed to have with people.
They say they're close when they can be bothered,
But mostly they're only far away.

I think I need new friends because,
I am sick of feeling this way.
I yearn to give you everything
That they do not give you,
I want to give you rest and comfort,
As I help you pull through.
If you need taking care of,
I'd promise I'd be there -
But you're so far away,
I feel like I'm not there.

Miles may separate us,
But in my heart I hold you close,
And if I had the chance,
I'd never let you go.

I spend parts of my days,
Planning out ways,
Of how to get you back.
I know you wouldn't mind it much,
But there's always obstacles in attack.

I think you are okay, or at least on the surface,
I have to make myself trust
That you are happy in that family,
That I've been taken out of.

Knowing from experience though,
It will probably hurt one day,
Or at least for the oldest of you.
And I will wrap you up warm
And try to empathise,
Never the less, I will try my best
To bandage it all up and make it the most it can be.

And if you wanted, I'd hide you away and bring you everything you need.
For me general daily things are hard, if socialisation's involved,
But I'd try my best for you,
Because that's what you're supposed to do
For the people that you love, for family.

Lately I've felt that they're stealing you all,
That they're cutting me out.
Our mother only wants me on her terms,
And that's not how it should be;
I would walk over mountains for you, you see.
I can't come to you, but I have tried getting you to me.

Still, I worry that one day,
You'll think I gave up,
You'll think that I left you
And nothing could ever make that true.
I will always try to do what's right by you.

I don't want you seeing the wreckage before you need to,
Before you can handle it.
I need to know you're safe, not sorry.
I'm starting to wonder here, if maybe I'm just being dramatic.
But this is some of the reason that I pretend or hide it,
With the act of being a somewhat good daughter,

Well really it's also because:
It's hard not to do the job when you're with her,
Almost as if it pulls something from me;
Like it's my fault for not having what I want,
And if I'm good in that moment I'll have it.
Except it,
Never comes.

I miss you four,
And I'll always love you more.
  Aug 2018 Chloe's Not An Angel
pri
his voice is like smoke and stars,
and a sad soft guitar,
outlined with hope.

so much hope
-so much strength,
so much that’s gone.

you look up to the skies
-something beautiful has happened,
and now you’ve begun to face the tragedy that came with it.

feet move to the beat,
a hand pulls you along,
but that hand let go.

and suddenly your
feet are made of stone,
dance no longer.

he understands,
and translates.
velvet, hope, heartbreak.

it’s not just lovers,
it’s not just lovers,
that cause heartbreak.

you and us and all of us,
we were good and we did it
-we broke each other’s hearts.

nobody really knew,
but even though you,
you didn’t know me.

you became the closest person,
because i didn’t have anyone,
or let anyone hold me while i cried.

but you -just you,
you did hold me somehow,
everything you did was like a blanket.

when i doubted them,
when they weren’t enough,
you.

a warm embrace,
a translator for a girl without words,
smoke, stars, and soft guitar.
inspired by brendon urie (dying in LA)
I always give most people the benefit of the doubt,
Whether they seem like they should receive it or not,
So why should I keep doing that now?
It usually only turns out to be wrong.
When I'm not proud of some of what I have written,
I make myself stay quiet and say,
That you have to write to improve.

When I think "you haven't seen any of my best" (- Marianas Trench, Josh Ramsay),
I tell myself that's okay,
Because I still have the rest of a lifetime
To prove what I'm capable of,
And the only person I need to prove that to:
Is myself.
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