Mere to nafrat karni he
Te eni nafrat kri
Ki jado me mara
Te teri jubana te iko gal awe
Ki “changa hoea mar gea”

Bichar ta gea e sajjna,
Par yakeen mann
Tu milega sab nu
Par talash tenu meri hi hou

I stopped writing.
Not because I fell out of love with it...
My emotions just seemed to disappear.

I started a new medication.
The doctor said it would help my panic disorder, and it did.
I took that pill, like my mother talks to God (every morning).

When I went back to the doctor she said we had to up the dosage because apparently having 2 panic attacks a week still isn't okay.
I told her that when I woke up this morning I got out of bed without crying, but she didn't consider that as much of a victory as I did.

When I was put on a higher dosage, my emotions shut down.
After a few weeks I stopped crying, my OCD got better, my panic attacks were gone, and I could even to my office without my heart trying to win a race against my thoughts.

I could breathe.

But, I also stopped having fun.
I felt like a stranger in my own body.
My emotions found the exit on the plane and jumped, never to be found again.

Since when did being able to breathe require me to feel like this?

मैं उस तन्हाई में भी जिया हूं,,,,

जहां लोग अक्सर मर जाया करते हैं"...

meri dhadkan bi sunai de rahi menu
samj ni a reha
yaad kr reha ha tenu
ya maut a rahi he menu

Zindagi bahut badi he
Kite na na kite ta jarur milange

Tu aj rusi hoi jarur he
Kite na kite ta jarur dikhange

Aj jee rahe ya teri yaad wich
Kade na kade ta jarur marange

You say you are not going anywhere,
You tell me you will not leave,
Yet, when I look for you, you are not there.
Without you, there is only me.
I miss us.

We have shared good times and bad.
We have spent so many hours together.
Each day you are not here, makes me sad.
I ask myself, where are you? All I see is me.
I miss us.

We have shared hopes and dreams,
We have shared our hearts and our souls.
We have shared our thoughts and schemes
Here I am all alone.
I miss us.

Will you return one day?
This I do not know.
I fear you have forever gone away.
I miss us.

There is no more laughter, no more dreams
There are no more hopes, no more future.
There is only me.
I miss us.