Dear Me,
It's you.
We are us.
Stop demolishing the
Foundation we built below us.
Don't demolish years
Of growth for moments,
Of doubt from others.
You, me, us
Are enough.
Love,
    Me

May is grey.
but for me
Every day is grey
Surrounded by reminders.
Myself,
I am a reminder.
Of everything you were.
Everything you did.
May is graduation.
It's supposed to be happy.
And I am
Happy.
But my happy has,
A black hole of anger,
and sadness in the middle
And I fall into it daily.
Sometimes hourly.
And May isn't as happy.
As it should be.
Could have be.
If you were here with me.
Grey in May.
Grey all Day.
Every day
In every way.
I think of you
And miss you too.

In the darkness I heard this keening.
A sounds so devastating.
As if they were dying from the inside out.
As if the world had swallowed them whole.
Devouring them.

And it took me a minute,
To realize.
That sound was coming from me.
I was the one dying.
But utterly and unwaveringly  alive.

The more time you spend with grief.
The more at home you become
Within the folds of its
Despair.

The more comfort you take
From the sudden on slaughter
Of memories and tears.

The more you are able
To recover the facade
Of being perfectly okay
In a world that now only
Feels like it's decayed and dying.

The hardest part,
of your dying.
was being able to survive.
Being the one to
let you die.
even if it meant
you wouldn't suffer.
letting you go....
I still haven't
and I don't know if I
actually survived.

I'm devastation in cling wrap
Melted to the frame.
Popped balloons on birthdays.
A bankrupt business.
Giving out more then it has.
An empty O2 tank,
On the hip of a cystic fibrosis patient.
Useless extra weight.
Like an anchor
On a boat trying to set sail.
Going nowhere.
Remaining in the same spot.
Growing  roots
That barely scrape the surface.
Only to be blown over
With a gust of insufficiency.
Inadequate valves
Leaking out life sustaining fluids.
With more effort to fail
Then to just
Let go.

I wish I could say
Life is easier with you here.
But,
Depression doesn't work that way.
No amount of love i have,
Will change how I
See and feel the world.
But when the darkness clears,
And I can see and feel the world
With the clarity of normalicy.
You make that,
The most magical time
It could possibly be.
And for me,
That is enough to stave,
The darkness.
To get me through
Right back to you.

I don’t know why it feels as though,
I have known you my whole life.
As if instead of getting to know a new person,
Rather I am remembering all of the things,
another me has forgotten.
As if maybe we have been here before.
Maybe in another life,
Another universe.
Where our stars;
Crossed paths once again.
Destined to be no matter what
Path we take in our lives.
And I’m not one to believe in the fates,
Or that we have soul mates that are ours.
However,
I do believe in connections.
Soul connections where people can recognize,
Another soul that matches theirs.
Like the internal wirings of our bodies say,
“Oh hey, I know you.”

And then those connections stick.
And we are drawn closer to one another.
Maybe not forever,
Maybe for only moments.
But the connections of the soul,
Are ones that we remember,
Randomly for no reason.
Even if it was only a quick Hello in an elevator,
Never to see each other again.
Those Connections,
We remember them.

We remember you.

Happy mother's day?
My mom taught me what alcohol tolerance was by 9.
That some nights if I didn't make dinner,
I wouldn't eat.
She taught me how to be a light sleeper,
By passing out drunk with lite cigarettes.
My mother taught me,
Boys font like fat girls, and you're def bigger then me.
She taught me how to hate myself,
But still love her.
My mother taught me how to be strong,
By making it the only way to survive her
Never ending drunken rampages.
She taught me early,
Not love,, not her daughter comes before the drink.
She taught me how to take care of her.
Make sure she got home from the bar at 1am,
Unscathed from the journey,
And still be up in time for school.
She taught me how to live off little sleep,
And even less attention.
Early she taught me,
I was no more special than coat hanger on the wall.
She taught me your mother's cigarette smoke,
Will cling to your clothing strongly,
You'd have to fold them with dryer sheets inside.
She taught me,
That I'd stay for her to make sure she was okay,
All the while destroying myself.
She taught me how to love someone,
Even when you don't like them.
She taught me how to be respectful,
Even when those people don't deserve respect.
Recently she taught me something else.
Sometimes those people you love,
Will never love you enough to not destroy you,
As they destroy themselves.
She taught me we all have a breaking point.
A point of no return.
And that sometimes it is better alone,
To be an orphan.
Rather then allow them the satisfaction in your torture.

Reverberating within myself
A constant vibration
Internally decaying
The only way out
Is through my
Written rot.
Just a mess of decomposition.
Left for everyone else
To read.

An artist can create
A master piece.
And everyone will flock to their work.
Marvaling in the beauty.
And at the same time
They've walked by the
Subject of that artwork
For days, months, years.
Never noticing
Never seeing
The sheer beauty.
Because only in artwork
Everything is beautiful.

Once you become someone's muse
You will forever be
Beautiful and remembered.

32 letters written in May.
Almost all about you.
That however is nothing new.
But all this writing.
Coming to terms,
Sorta, Kinda.
One thing always rings true.
You were my very best friend.
and
God did i love you.
Also,
I'm almost 99% positive.
That on top of bringing me
Lucille, my savior with 4 legs.
You also brought me him.
Guiding us back to one another.
Where I always belonged.
So thank you.
For looking out for me,
Even after you left.
I'd expect nothing less,
Of my first and favorite savior.

Far to often we leave
after the love turns
To ash in our mouth.
And our lungs harden
Like cement in our chests.
And our hearts,
To diamonds under the pressure
And then shatter.

We drown in the waves,
Of our despair.
A constant pull,
Into the darkness.

A constant fight,
To stay out of the dark undertown.
To keep my head above water.
Some days the pull is,
So strong I almost drown.
Other days,
I can float upon the surface of the waves.

But always my thoughts
Drift to you.
Always,
Only a word away from tears.
And my tears add,
To the bottomless ocean of grief,
Threatening to drown me.

There is no such
Thing as:
Unrequited love.
Only love,
Never meant for you.

My control has become
the thing I grasp onto
My OCD on high alert
Rewriting a planner
13 times in 6 months.
More rewriting then months.
But the mistakes
grate at me
rubbing me raw.
The white out,
Like a black mark
on my life.
Another reminder
that I failed
to save you.
and then I realize
I have no control
my life run by failed
attempts to remain flawless.
only to be reminded by whiteout.
That I failed you
I couldn't save you.
And I stayed.
I let you go
And I stayed.
Like a black stain on me,
I stayed.

The scariest moment
Is realizing that I've forgotten
I've forgotten what it was like
To have you here.
And this new world
Where you aren't has become
A world I've become accustomed to.
My new norm,
And that is terrifying

The one thing about pain,
There is never an end
To the amount of material
We get from the experience.
Heartbreak is such
A wonderful Muse.

My Lifeline
Once upon a time
it used to be my dad.
He was my safety.
The person I could count on
to have my back.
"I've got you."
But he's gone.
And somewhere along the way
he handed you the keys
to my walls.
And gave you the manual to protect me.
Somehow you took over
where he left the
car running.
And as you learn the way
you've slowly made it possible
for me to trust someone
other than him.
And now
you've become my person
My "I've got you."
The person to bring me back.
From the darkness of my own mind.
You've become....
                                My Lifeline.

I often wonder what my life would have
Been like, had it started differently.
If I had a mother who adored me.
Gave me all the affection I wanted.
Protected me when I needed.
If I'd still be the same.
My tragic life of
Misfortune, neglect, pain,
Suffering, ****, abuse, and fear
Have shaped me
Created the girl that I am.
With a moral code so strong,
With standards about empathy and caring
So above standard.
I am reminded daily.
"Not everyone is like you.
Not everyone cares as strongly,
For so many as you do."

Would that girl be gone?
I believe the tragic life,
That i was given,
Was to create the woman that I am today.
And the outstanding and amazing
Father I was given,
Was to offset the mother I was denied.

And anyday of the week.
Any year in my life.
I'd take the life and father i was given,
Over a better life without him.
And without the woman that I became.

Tell me your secrets.
The ones you're to afraid to speak.
Tell me the darkest parts of your mind.
Where the dark parts of you lurk.
Use me like a vault.
No one will ever get in.
Your secrets are safe with me.
I'll never let them see.
Use me,
Let me be your secret place.
To place all your wordy posessions.
Don't hold yourself do tightly.
When I'm willing to be your ear.
There's no point in hiding
When spoken it'll only disapear.
Beneath the vault in me,
Where all my deepest darkest secrets no one will ever see.

You'll forever be,
My never ending love


Which means,
You'll forever be,
My never ending heartbreak.

Some goodbyes are like butterflies,
So soft if you hadn't been watching,
You'd never have known they'd gone by.
Other goodbyes are as loud as fog horns.
Going off inside the confines of your head.

Some goodbyes are like yo-yos.
They come back a few more times,
Before they're truly gone.

Often goodbyes are as painful
As an electrocution in a downpour.
But sometimes they're as freeing
As the wind caressing your skin,
From the open windows.

Some goodbyes are heaven sent.
Others are hell bound.

But one thing they all have in common,
At the end of every goodbye,
It takes a small piece of you as a memory.

And all at once
It hits me
One look
And how much
I truly love you
Drowns me.
And I'm soaked
To the bone.
Never having known
This immense a love.

She sat upon the world.
Looking down at the souls,
So far from her fingertips.
And she smiles knowing
Each one will one day,
Taste her.
Feel her love.
Death is promised,
To all.

The children died first.
One after the other.
A nation so full of
Laughter and joy turned
To rubble and ash.
Where there once was
Happiness and the sound
Of memories being made.
There now lies an
Abyss of empty space.
That echos off the
Darkness that surrounds us.

I have stepped down from the
Pedestal in which you placed me.
With shaking knees
And sweaty palms.
And I hope that maybe now you'll see
Everything you thought I was
Was what you wanted not me.

Will the thoughts of you,
Ever become less.
How can i still love you,
With our relationship in such a mess?

When do i get to move on.
Set free from the chains,
That you put on me.
When am i set free?

I hate that i still love you.
That i choose you daily.
Even when,
You are no longer a choice.
What kind of voice,
Does that give me?

Why can't i let go?
Why cant i see,
That you've moved on,
You no longer want or need me!

You tell me how I write offends you.
That my use of memory,
Insults you.
It's weird for you to write of past loves,
As you are surrounded by new love.
I'm sorry my words,
My ability to relate to someone else,
Maybe help them with their struggles,
Outweighs that I may offend,
Another heart attached to mine.
So my words are silenced.
In fear of your offense.

My days consist of
an Acrobats walk
along this black hole
within my chest.
Balancing among the rubble
within my heart.
Stumbling into its blackness to drown.
But climbing out
to walk along the edges again.
A little further away from the edge each time.
My grief a balancing act.
One where
During the day I circle
the edge of the darkness.
But at night
I fall into the darkness.
Only to resurface again in the morning.

For my daughter.
I hope you know I love you
And that no matter what
Everything I've ever done has been
What's best for you.
When you're older I hope
That you're proud of the mother
I have become.
I won't ever be perfect.
And you'll get mad at me
More then I'd like to admit to myself.
You'll think I'm ruining your life,
And if you say you hate me
Know that I immediately forgive you.
I'll get mad and sometimes yell.
I'll lose my cool and regret my
Anger immediately.
I won't always say yes to you,
But know if I don't I promise I have a reason.
But most importantly I need
You to know,
No matter what you do
No matter where you are
If you're mad at me or not
I'm here for you always.
If need be with no questions.
I've got you.

I think what hurt the most
Wasn't the fall.
Or the crash landing.
It was getting up
To witness the wreckage I'd created
On my way down.

It wasn't until I turned around,
And truly looked.
Did I realize how far I'd come.
When I looked back,
And was able to see every footprint,
Uphill battle,
Failing lose and triumphant win.
And every mile I'd traveled
Was I able to truly appreciate,
The woman I had become.
Really marvel at,
The woman I had fought to be.
Remembering every wrong turn,
Back track,
And devastating loss.
Tracing every miss step,
Right step,
And every step in between.
Until I laid my life out in front of me
Like a novel I was finally ready to read,
Did I realize the incirmountable excuses
I could have used to remain stationary.
To never take a single step,
In either direction.
My life was set up to fail,
With countless obstacles,
And unmeasurable devastation,
That it wouldn't have been a surprise to anyone,
Had I curled up in a ball and given up.
And yet,
Here I stand looking back at the hands I was dealt,
The good, the bad, and the horrible.
Knowing that no matter the circumstance,
I stood up to the challenge.
I fought hard.
Following in the words of Nightingale;
"I never took nor gave any excuses."
And I've got the miles of deep rooted foot prints behind me,
To prove just that.

Nurses are sitting on the edge of a cliff
Not able to move.
Unable to take any steps forward,
Or back.
Strapped to the side,
Suspended over the precipice of,
What must get done, what must be left behind.
Just trying to catch all of the pieces,
That get thrown off the edge.
Of an overflowing healthcare system.
Filled to the breaking point,
With the sick and dying.
Burdened by chronic and acute illnesses.
Plaged by a pandemic that stretches
The walls and foundation of an already
Crushing patient load.
And we're struggle to make it work.
Grasping at any available leverage,
To keep our patients safe.
Our brains running on overdrive,
Nearly as fast as our feet are.
We're struggling to hold up our patients,
To keep everything from falling over the edge.
Strung together side by side,
An "invincible" wall,
That's is slowly crumbling.
As we get sick,
Burdened by our duty to be everything,
And yet never fully anything.
And as one falls,
We pick up the burden left in their wake.
Grab the hand of our fellow nurse
To keep the wall up for our patients.
Hoping and prayer there is an end.
That there is help coming,
Before our invincibility fails,
Crushed by a system to heavy to manage.
And we are all left shattered.

Green eyes
Drowning in human lies.
Swimming in sin,
Dying from within.

I'm vividly aware
Of how influenced by
Your absense I gave become.
Every cough is a sign of death.
Ever upset stomach is
Tragedy.
Every headache
A reminder of your/my frailty.
Every previously unassuming illness
Has now become a warning
For every possible tragedy awaiting.
My life now a series of
Panic attacks brought about by
Possibility over probability.
What lose comes next?
Or will I be the lose?

I have felt exquisite wonder
And I have felt devastating lose.
I have been wrapped in the softest love.
And cut by the sharpest regret.
My life has been a lifetime movie gone wrong.
But also a Hallmark movie gone so right.
My skin has been blistered by abuse,
And it has been soothed by honeyed lips.

I have been overwhelmed with heartache,
But I've been overwhelmed with elation too.
I spent long periods of my adolescents and early 20s
Retreating to the dark,
Hopeless,
Desperate to disappear.
Believing I was Noone
Convinced I'd never be anyone.

I have been so beaten by despair,
Left battered, and bruised.
Untethered from my life,
Shrouded in worthlessness.
And I have felt so elevated with purpose,
Lifted battered and bruised back onto my feet.
With resolve so strong
I've  felt it in my bones.
Illuminated with determination.

Every time I swore I couldn't get up again,
I did.
Every time I feared this was the one that did me in,
It wasn't.
Every dark corner I never thought I'd find my way out of,
I found my way to the light.
Everything meant to destroy me,
Also created me.

Each destruction a platform for my rebirth.
A place to rise from the ashes.
A stepping stone that said:
"I've been here. It's time to move on."

My life has been a constant Flux between
Horrendous and wonderous.
On a pendulum gage swinging back and forth.
And in the end,
I'm thankful for all I've learned from it,
And the strength I've achieved because of it.

Created in the ******
Of an depressive alcoholic.
Barren of capability.
Devoid of the natural
Mother's instinct.
To protect and nuture
To love me greater then herself,
Or atleast enough to protect me.
I grew up ashamed of where I came from.
Who I came from.
Humiliated by the smell
Of wafting cigarette smoke.
Dozens of beer cans piled in the corner.
Only adding the smell of
Days old stale beer to the air.
Demoralized by the sight of
Dozens of cigarette burns in the carpet.
Proof of just how close to
A deadly close call I was my whole life.
Conflicted by my self destructive anger,
And the love I still had for her.
The drive to protect her,
From herself as much as others.
And the shame in myself,
For loving her at all.
Raised by a mother who more times then not,
Destroyed my self esteem,
And guilted me into the corner.
Shrinking me into a nobody,
A nothing so meek,
I wished with all my strength I didn't exist.
Tortured myself,
Just so she wasn't the only one hurting me.
The only one with power.
And even still,
Nearly 30 years later.
Her inability to love me,
Or mother me hasn't changed the fact that,
I love her,
But have never liked her at all.