I tried to heal more consciously this time.
With the well-intentioned thoughts
Of healing myself,
I distracted myself from myself.
This time,
I wanted to feel all my feelings;
I wanted to show up fully.
It wasn’t that I was ignoring the bad stuff;
I dove into it, willingly,
With the intention of
Being all there.
I wanted to be there for myself, but
I ended up cluttering myself with
Everything I wasn’t letting go.
I was letting myself be
In the suffering
With so much intention for
Self-compassion this time,
With so much “loving” focus on
The loss I felt.
I held on to every painful expression.
I held on to so much sadness,
A lot of anger—
Much more than I had planned for, but
Somehow, still
Everything I had planned for.
Things couldn’t flow through me;
They got trapped in me.
I dwelled on grieving with love;
I dwelled in grief.
I relinquished my playfulness.
Exercise was too burdensome, a task.
I felt awkward with friends.
I felt smothered by everything.
My energy was already devoted:
Not enough for what I wanted, for
What I used to love;
No energy to be at peace inside.
Life had to reset.
It feels that way right now.
All of a sudden I know what hope really is.
It’s like this: I remember.
I remembered that I needed to
Finish a chapter
To be free to enjoy the next.
I remembered what it felt like to
Play.
I remembered that I need to get
So weak,
So desperate for a better way,
To surrender and ask for help.
Help comes in like a generous wave,
Altering our sight, so
We suddenly see with clarity
What we’ve been needing all along.
Sometimes we need a wave,
So big, so unmistakably for us,
So that it can’t be ignored.
We need to ask for help:
Seeking new ways;
Whispering a prayer;
Walking with a friend;
We do what we can.
Answers will always be
What we’re given.
I finally asked.
I finally heard an answer.
It was too big to describe in words,
Too all-encompassing to
Condense into a single action.
I think I know why my head has felt
So caged,
My body so tired,
My system so numb from the shocks.
I wanted to be so open to this pain, but
I closed my heart off.
The things I was unintentionally blocking
Were trying to get in.
I was so
Busy,
Busy,
Busy holding on to
Every
Single
Sliver of suffering.
No wonder I couldn’t hear the answer:
Open.
Open.
Open.
. . .
Tell me: