Within myself I know there's two.
Of who? Of me.
I watch while one takes hold.
One is meek, one is bold.
One is sweet, one is selfish.
One is kind, one is evil.
Which one I am on any given day,
depends in part, on which one I've fed,
and what diet I've served it.
Was it vitriol or humility?
Was it hate or love?
Was it just or unjust?
Was it sweet or sour?
I'll not know until the hour one of two is called.

Yes I laugh. Yes I smile.
But deep down I cry all the while.
Yes people like me. Yes, some love me.
But deep inside I want to shout go away.
Yes, I look sane (whatever that may be)
Yes, I look happy, not in pain.
But, happiness and pain share one thing, tears.
Tears of joy, tears of sadness. One and the same.
I cannot differentiate anymore.
Do you think some people are just born Eeyores? I do. I'm one.
If you always start low there's nowhere to fall.
So, who am I?
I'm a lie.

I'm invisible, forgotten, a memory in someone's head
I want to be remembered, lauded, loved
But you put paid to that.
I wonder how you sleep, dreamless, more likely
How do you sleep like an innocent? Teach me.

If I shouted would you hear me?
If I hurt you would you feel me?
If I threw a glass at you would you see me?
If I blew softly in your face would you get cold?
If I kissed you deeply would you ******* rotting corpse?

When I became yours and you became mine,
did we think we'd stand the test of time?
Did you think we'd last forever?
That we'd weather all storms together?
When we stood reciting our vows,
did you envisage us in our shrouds?

In front of all we took our turn,
repeating words like herds before.
Now, after ten years wed and fifteen together,
have we melded into each other's oppressor?
We love each other, that is true,
but don't you yearn for when we were unconcerned?

The brutal indifference of living is life.
The brutal truth is I will always be your wife.
We were made to stand the test of time.
What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine.
The brutality of this truth is that it extends
to the afterlife.

We live so close to one another
I sometimes have to wonder
Are we destined to always meet?
Are we always just going to greet each other as friends?
Smile and talk about the weather while both wondering
whether we were once one.
I know you, you know me
We joke, we smile, we share wit and banter
Yet, all the while I see you as me and me as you.
And as you I want me.

Haunted, I see you in my dreams
Haunted I see you in the street
Haunted I see you all around me

How can that be?
Since I've left your corpse in the cellar
And I have the key.

Your life is a lyric, less a song
A painting with no canvas
Waiting for the words and tune to come
The muse to inspire flashes of colour
To inspire music and scene.

But, to be seen by the muse you have to command
Inspire, craft, graft, and create
She does not wait idly by, she needs to see your life
Your song, she in turn needs to be inspired.....by you.
Nothing is free in this world, even inspiration has a price.

I feel the smothering darkness
Hear my cruel words
I want to take them back
But, they lay out in the darkness
Glittering like knives

Words will never hurt me
It's a lie
A platitude, a pretence
It trips off a mother's tongue
Like a drunk weaving home
Delusional in his happy addled mind

Words hurt deeper than a blade
A cut heals, scars, maybe, but
Words are forever, they multiply
They come out in the smothering dark nights
They drown you in sorrow, in pain

You lose yourself to each vowel and consonant that is constructed
You lose, you are defeated by memory.
And at the going down of the moon you will forget them
Those malicious words, those insidious remarks
But, remember night and her smothering blanket of darkness
She Returns.

Imagine the world smooth and polished
Imagine the world skimming water
Imagine the worlds ripples on the water
Imagine the world that is smooth, polished and skimming is you
Now imagine that the smooth polished skimming world that is you suddenly drops with a splash 💦

We have no kids to bounce on the bed
We feel the cool, damp day start side by side
We know each nook and cranny of the room
And of us.

We are an odd couple, no one would pair us
We are Ying and Yang
We are two halves of one whole
We are light and dark

We are a mystery even to ourselves
Why do you love me? I ask
Because you are you he replies
But why? I persist

Because I love you, all of you.
He turns catches hold of me
Gives me a hug, and helps raise me from the bed
Guilt washes over me on this grey Sunday

Why would he love a bitter, angry, depressed
Disabled woman?
Why?
Because he loves all of me, and I of him.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Let me sharpen this knife
I want to gut you.

© JLB
08/02/2018
03:44 GMT

I can't forget you, where are you?
Memories are haunting me, are you with someone?
Are you happy?
I'm with someone, he knows about you.
Do you think of me?
No, that's crazy, why would you?
I can't hear your name, without being pulled back.
Is it good where you are?
It's good where I am.
It took a long time to get over you.
It took a long time to realise that you were unable to break conventions.
So, you broke my heart instead.
You made me stronger, made me realise that you are in the past for a reason.
A man who cannot be true to himself is no man, so I ask again,
Where are you?

I fall in love and cry
Cry for those who can’t

I came so hard I shuddered and deflated
Breathing erratically I noticed the chips in the paint
Old peeling paint, the thought tickled me and I laughed.
That paint was as old as me, it was mid life paint.
I laughed harder and felt the liquid leak from me
Can paint have a crisis?
No.
Why not?
Its bloom is off the rose, so to speak, dull, faded, tired and dull
Ergo, mid life crisis.

I’ll welcome him
He brings the longest caress
He offers infinity
And takes

Half Me iS MiSSing
I’ve decided to part with my left side
So you could say ‘l’m alright’
But I’m not
My own brain decided plaque was a great accessory
So, the flak I took, and then I shook, literally
Not in an Elvis way more, Acorn Antiques Mrs Overall way
Hunka  hunka burning love became itchy, scratchy burning leg
Then my arm it did take, along with my gait
Now, they see me rollin'
They hatin'
Patrolling and tryin' to catch me ridin' *****
But hey “f*ck the PIP”
Mashup of Chamillionaire and N.W.A there
Getting down with my bad self, just don’t expect me to get up
Vitamin D robbed me of thee; SLEEP
Yet come midday mid Judge Judy I’m asleep
No, no let me clarify, I’m unconscious
I did not get to see if Shamicka or Le-Toy-Ah got custody of a Pug
My brain is like candy floss on crack
It’s invented new pains for me to try
Currently experiencing, single **** cheek numbness
Never been happier owning an hitachi wand
Yet, time to start the day, I’ve still got a lot for it to get
I’m fat.

I wondered today if anyone was recording in high definition this World in caution? kisses banned, so’s holding hands, but wash your hands a lot or you might miss to ‘Out that ****’d spot’.

How apt, a spot, a circle, a corona, isn’t that a beer? Let’s all now cheer for key workers, clap for nurses the NHS, let’s forget what started this mess, was it China? A pangolin? A Mandarin?

Conspiracy theories abound, they’re all doing the rounds, oh look it snuck back in, abound, around, they’re all circular sounds, circle back to the start, wash your hands.....’Out that ****’d spot’.

Sing me a song without any music
Cook me a feast without any taste
Touch me without any feeling
Look at me without any chaste.

Draw me with smoke
See me with touch
Whisper me words
Caress me in your clutch.

Ignore me at your peril
Acknowledge me at mine
Sculpt me in your body
As you and I entwine.

Head spinning
Ears ringing
Skin tingling
You sleeping
Me existing

Another stolen night
Another hotel room fight
Another hotel room ****
Another run of bad luck
Another bottle of scotch

I watch your torso fall and rise
Remembering the lust in your eyes
Listening whilst you told me lies
You “Love me” what a clichéd surprise
Yet, still I cannot say to you “goodbye”.