2:36am. You lay awake in your bed with your mind racing.
Your darkness is hitting you full till, crushing you and making you feel like nothing.
Your mind tells you that you should give up. No one would miss you.
Give up and you can finally rest.

But let me tell you this. Every time so far that your darkness has showed up and tried to take you down, you didn't let it...
Even when it knocked you over and beat you down, you survived and you rose back up to keep fighting. You have survived every single moment of your life up until now.

You are not just a survivor, you are a warrior, and I am so incredibly proud of you.

This is a letter to you….
You know who you are.

Three years… Three ******* years of my life…. That is what I gave you. That is what you stole from me. I’ll never get those three years back…
And honestly, you didnt deserve five ******* ******* seconds of my time…
I should not have wasted my time on you. You are simply not worth dirt…

When I saw your face at the market that day, I should have walked the other way… Not knowing you would give me three ******* years of abuse, Mental, physical AND emotional… And not to mention countless breakdowns, panic attacks and endless tears that you caused me even after you left

You leaving me ended up being the best thing you could have done… Because then, I allowed myself to heal, I allowed myself the grace of knowing it was not my fault.

You made me think that I was not good enough for you? HA… *****, you were not good enough for ME… At the end of the day, you lost possibly the most amazing man you could have had. So, jokes on you! Someone else will come along and know my worth. They will fight to keep me…
YOU never did.

Whatever it is you are doing with your pitiful life now, I hope karma finds and destroys you…

6:30AM
I wake up, completely exhausted, my mind running a million miles a minute

I am alive...

As my legs swing over the side of the bed and my feet hit the ground, I slowly rise up

I am strong
I am alive

I wipe the sleep from my eyes, preparing myself to face the day ahead
Give it your best shot world. Whatever you throw at me, I will overcome.
For I am alive, I am strong, and I am a warrior.

7 YEARS

Darkness
Pain
Suffering
Growth
Newfound strength
Heartbreak

Fighting on and rising above

Love
Joy
Softness
Strength
Peace
tranquility

Living my life, because I can.
Because 7 years ago, I chose life.

A letter to you
Hey kid…Sit down, shut up and listen up! (Harsh, I know, but you NEED to hear this. These words need to reach you, because I care! And I don’t like seeing you dimming your spark!)
You are here on this earth for a reason. You were born to do incredible things and be extraordinary. The light of your soul smoulders and burns so brightly every day.
Right now, you may feel “ordinary” and like you don’t mean much, or that you are not anything special in this universe. But let me be the first to tell you, you are wrong. You are so important to so many and those people look up to you. Me??? I see you as a hero. Yeah yeah, you are thinking to yourself, “But… I don’t have any superpowers???” Again, you are wrong! You have a beautiful mind, a kind soul and a brave heart. You have a might and a determination that can move mountains, with a resilience and strength that can weather any storm that tries to take you down. THOSE, are your superpowers. So no, you are not just ordinary. You are incredible, you are powerful and you are mighty. So please, never dim your light. Let it shine bright for the world to see and go be that superhero I know that you are! I am so proud of you!
Go move mountains kid! You got this.

I am not an angry person…

I do not like living in or ruminating in anger or hatred,
Swimming in that deep sea of vicious fire…
Drowning in those dark waters…

Anger feels like lava, coursing through my body.
Burning me alive, scorching me to my very core…

Though that does not show.

I look and act calm.
Level.
Still.

But my anger towards you, I can not contain.
My anger for the years you took from me.
Precious time I can never get back…

I can only make up for…
By choosing myself.

Anger will never succeed…
It has not changed me. It only hindered me.

Now,
I will live MY life, free of you
Free of your toxic light.
Far from your acidic soul.

I hope you know what you lost, when you walked away,
All those years ago.

For you, my anger within the flames still remains.

Do you know, what your smile is capable of?
How you can change someones entire day with one look??

The power held in that radiant smile, the look of happiness in your sweet eyes
The incredible sparkle that shines as bright as the stars on a clear summer night

Well, I can see it... I know it is there and it is real
I want you to notice it every single day

I wish you could see what I see, a beautiful soul burning behind those eyes

You see… In the chaos of life, I have found peace.

Peace that I will never surrender.

I will fight for this peace that I have attained,
And never allow it to be taken from me.

I know now that you were a part of my story.

But one day, when I am old and grey,  reading from the pages of the story of my life,

You are the part of the story I will skip over.
Your chapter in my story just should not have been.

You see…
You saw your position in my life as some big thing. Like you were irreplaceable.
You made it seem like I needed you to survive, and that I’d be nothing without you,
When the truth is, you just occupied a few chapters in the book of my life.
A few sad, measly chapters, that you never deserved having your name written into their pages.

Now, there are some chapters of my life I wish to revisit and read again, but the chapters involving you, I wish to never revisit.
I wish to lock those away in the very depths of my being, where they will get lost.

Those dark chapters never should have been written… And I would erase them if I could.

I NEVER needed you.
Your exit from my life was the best possible thing to happen.

Now, I am focusing on the chapter currently being written, and the ones to come.

I do not know what words are to be written in the story of my life, but I am excited to write each new word, for I am in a better place and am finally with the one who treats me right, every single day.

To the chapter currently being written, and the chapters to come, I am ready for you.
I am ready to read your words, and to live your tale.

While he is running through your mind,
You are constantly on mine.

Travelling through my thoughts, stuck in my head.
And I can’t get you out, but secretly, I don’t want to…

Because that’s the only place I can still belong to you.
I can still be yours. And our future can still exist.

Deep in the chaos of my mind.

I may fall
I may get beat up by life and crumble to the ground
Giving up and staying down sometimes feels like the best option
Surrendering to the darkness...

I will not let that happen
I will rise up as many times as I fall
I will not let the darkness win
I can't let it win...

As long as I have at least a single ounce of strength within me, I fall, I rise.
That is my promise to the world

Remembering my old life, the life I lived before it all came crashing down,
I remember the plans I had and how hard I had worked to make sure the future that I saw before my eyes unfolded the way I wanted it too.

I remember how much it hurt when I saw it all crumbling down before my eyes.
How I had to mourn the loss of my old life.
How I now mourn for my old self...

I had to pick myself back up, gather up the broken pieces of my shattered heart and soul, and one by one, piece them back together with tape and glue and whatever I had nearby.

I have built myself back up and now I am finally looking forward in life.
I am ready to build up my new future.

The past is far behind me.
I won’t let it stop me from my new life and my new future.

As I light these candles to send lay to rest my old life, one by one, I watch the flames go out,
Sending off the old me.
Honouring him, for choosing life and for choosing to fight on.

Listen here, little buddy... You may rest now,
I've got this. I'll take it from here.

I found peace in your absence,
Sought solace within the silence.
And discovered my softness, despite your storms.

You didn’t like that.

You tried to ruin me.
You had no right to try and sabotage my peace after your exit from my life,

Which at the end of the day was your choice.

So against your best efforts,
Your chaos did not win against my peace.

I will continue to hold on to my peace.

You know, I have spent way too much time trying to be enough for EVERYONE else around me.
Thinking that my worth was based on their opinions,
how they see me as a person.

But the truth is, that is all *******...


I just need to be good enough for my own self,
and at this point, I am.

I am worthy
I am enough

You see, in a backwards, twisted way, you helped me… Because of you and others who had no business leeching my energy.

I now know and fully understand my true worth.
My worth is not dependent on always being strong.
Or  being what others need…

On always wearing a mask that shows that I am okay, even when I truly need to break.

I know my worth, and what I have to offer this world.
And you know what?


Yeah…
I exist.
I occupy and take up space.

And that is totally okay…

I am allowed to simply, be…

And through all of that, I am worthy of love just as my true self.
Not as an image of what is “required” from me.

But as just me.

You know what???

I think you knew… You knew what you had.
You knew how good I was and what I deserved.

I think you felt it. Sensed it.
You knew I could do better…

But once the addiction of a having a loving man hit you,
You knew you couldn't lose me.
You needed me.

I became your safety, serenity and warmth in this cold, darkened world…

So….. you broke me. You broke me down every single day.
Making me think it was my fault.
Like I was not good enough for you…
You broke me down every day I stayed
Bit by painful bit, casting storm clouds above my head that hid my true worth,

And only when you FINALLY walked away, did I begin to see,
How much I truly deserve in this life.
How much damage you truly cast upon me.

But, as time went on, I healed.

As I shed the negative energy of you, I picked up my broken pieces and put myself back together...

And now??? I am getting what I crave...

So, you watch, as I finally get what I deserve,

And you are left in the dust…

I love you, please stay.

I am as broken as they come, my shattered pieces scattered all over.

My mind tells me lies that I sometimes believe. I am not good enough, I am too much.
When my mind screams these lies at me, they are all I hear, and I begin to believe them.

Though I am still trying to piece myself back together, some days I may fail.

I won’t be strong. I will fall apart.

There will be days, I look to you for aid.

I love you, please stay.

On the days my broken parts show,

I need you, please don’t leave.

They say legends never die.

I believe,
Legends do die, they just never fade.

The memory of legends lives on forever and never fade away into oblivion.

Tales of their life are written in books, spoken of far and wide and shared at dinner tables all over the world.

One day, after I am long gone, my name will still live on as legend.

My tale, etched into the book of time.
Where they remain for eternity.

Hey little buddy. Listen here,
I know you still exist…

Somewhere deep within my soul, in the very core of my being, you reside,
I feel you, deep down,
You feel Scared, Broken, so small and in SO much pain.
The scars of the past still burn so deep.

I know, you couldn’t defend/protect yourself back then.
And you bravely stood alone against an army of those who turned their backs on you.
All you could do was survive, using all the energy you possessed to simply make it through each new day that you faced.

Well, just know this.
You survived. You made it out of that time when you didn’t think you could.
You didn’t think you had the strength to make it out.

I wanted to say thank you, for staying so strong and for not giving up.
On yourself or your future.

So here I stand, at your side and at the ready,
To fight for and protect you.
To honour you, to fight for you and to heal you.

And eventually, to lay you to rest.
You have done well, little one. Now, lay down your burdens…
I will take it from here.

Hello, little ones,

This is written for all of the past versions of myself who were never allowed to heal.
Who were always just so scared, sometimes simply of life itself.

I know all of the horrors each of you had to fight through and survive,
And I am so sorry you ever had to fight that hard, sometimes to just exist.
I am sorry I was not there to shield and protect you then.

Just know this,

You are safe now.
Slow down, take a deep breath, and open your eyes.

You made it, you survived.
You made it to the good times.

You made it to the point where life is sometimes so overwhelmingly amazing, and all you can do is smile and laugh, no words needed.

You made it to a time where harm may never reach you again.

I am here now, I’ve got this.

Hey you.
Having a rough day? Feeling down? Life is hitting hard today eh?

That’s okay… Those days happen, and will continue to happen.
Your depression will show it’s ugly face; you might not feel like your normal self and that is totally okay.

Just do what you can today. The littlest things you are able to do are monumental.
Take some time to unwind, reset and breathe. Decompress and get some rest, I know you need it.

And please, don’t be so ******* yourself today. Your brain will lie to you. You are not weak. You are not useless, and most of all, you are allowed to take some time for yourself and shut the world out if you need too. You are allowed to feel sad and get some rest.

Just know, I love you and I am proud of you… You have grown so much over the last few years, and your progress has been incredible. Just keep climbing that mountain! Never give up!

There will always be dark times along your journey.
The path you walk may crack and break, and you may stumble and fall.

Sometimes you may not want to get back up, but you always will, because you know that these dark times are not forever, and you will be walking in the light very soon, feeling the sun gracing your skin once more.

But until then, I will always be here to illuminate your journey.
My heart, soul and spirit will always be a beacon of light during your darkest moments.

I will always leave a light on to help you find your way home.

Living in the darkness.

For so long, the darkness was my safe place.
I called it home,
For I was able to simply rest within the darkness, I could just exist there, and didn’t have to worry about being strong or needed by anyone.
I could just… be… It was me and my thoughts, and I was all alone.

Besides the scarred, ugly, disfigured creatures that also dwelled within the darkness and called it home.
I made friends with all the creatures that dwelled within my darkness…

The large, mangled creature that was depression.
The random, scattered figure that was anxiety.
The horrifying entity that is the nightmares and visions that play deep within my mind at times.

Those creatures became my friend, I got to know them on a deeper level.

And for a while, they kept me safe. They kept me still and quiet during times I did not have the energy to move forward in life and with my growth.
They allowed me to rest and kept me secure from the unknown, which at the time was absolutely terrifying.

But now, I am in a different place.
I am mentally stronger than I have EVER been,
And I have been stepping back into the light and leaving my darkness behind.
And now, I am ready to venture into the unknown lands of my future.
I no not where I will go, the adventures I will take and the hardships I will endure,
But I am ready to find out.

So, to those creatures that I leave behind as I walk this new path into the light,
Thank you for keeping me safe, but you are no longer needed…
I have outgrown you, and will continue to grow into my best self, leaving you in the dust.

If dreaming is the only place you can see me, I hope you never dream...
Live with the memories of me, but nothing else.

When I look at you, it’s like I’m looking through the viewpoint of a kaleidoscope…

All those random, scattered and sometimes broken pieces, coming together to form something breathtaking, majestic and beautiful.

That is how I see you. To me, you are the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever seen, shattered fragments and all.

And I love all of those pieces as well, because they come together to make you who you are.

Your heart, soul, essence and light have always remained so soft and elegant, so radiant and delicate.

I will always love every single piece of you, no matter what they look like.

I will always love you, my little kaleidoscope.

Sometimes, writing is my way out.
It is a way to get the thoughts that are swimming deep within my mind out into the world when I have no voice.

These words that I messily scribble down, or carefully  type out, ensuring to check for any errors I make, come from the deepest, and sometimes darkest areas of my mind, heart and soul…

And these are things I do not think I would be able to tell someone out loud, for hearing the words out loud would be too much.

These small marks, on this blank sheet, come from my depths, and I hope they reach your soul.

I don't do new year resolutions

This year.

I want to love myself a little more each day.
I want to learn to be soft and gentle on myself, the way I always tell others to be for themselves.

Sometimes, I want to simply exist.

Other times, I want to make life happen

This new year,
I want to change.
I want to grow.
I want to flourish.

I do not think the world is truly ready for my transformation,
But I am, so here we go.

Here it is and you heard it here first.

Moving forward in my life, no more ******* ego checks

I deserve to and am allowed to truly love who I am,
And that is something I am working *******.

Part of that is actually celebrating my victories, triumphs and my journey so far.
Which I will always do,

The times I sat in the darkness and others walked away,
I was forced to

I never gave up on myself.
I put in the work and overcame the dark.

So here is to celebrating every new victory as they happen.

No longer will I remain quiet, living in the shadows, my story unheard.

NUMB
I feel numb, hollow, cold… and I hate this feeling.
I don’t know who I am right now, I don’t feel like me.
I feel chills echoing through my core, a thick fog plaguing my mind.

LOST
I feel lost. I don’t know where I am, I don’t know what I am doing.
I feel like somewhere along the way, I fell off the map, and ended up in the middle of nowhere.
I am scared.
I am lost

FOUND
I am holding on to hope.
I will be found.
But not by anyone else.
I will find myself.

I won't pretend that my life has been perfect.
I have had my ups and downs and at times, didn't even think I could push forward and make it out.
I have doubted myself more times than I can count, and faltered in my journey

But hear me now, I will never quit.

I will push forward, whatever comes my way and I will rise and overcome.

I will live on!

My future is directly ahead of me and is wide open to the possibilities of life.

I will grab life by the horns and ride out this crazy train!

Hello, beautiful, brave one.

I know, your spirit is weak and weary.
Your soul feels shattered and broken.
And your heart feels damaged beyond repair.

You try to hide it, but the cracks in your smile show truly how broken you feel deep inside.
Your once bright eyes are now tired and worn from the harsh battles you have faced.

Just know, you are allowed to rest.
You are allowed to lay down your burdens for a moment and just exist.

Curl up, hide away and rest.

Your soul needs it, I can tell.

Remember this.
We are ALL living in the same world, but we are all fighting different demons.
As tough as mine are, someone else might be fighting tougher demons. Those demons might might be breaking them down day by day. Crushing and beating down on them.
You have no idea what they are fighting inside their own mind. They might be sitting dangerously close to the edge, ready to fall and let go. Their light would fade from this world, because no one was there to save them. They do not know how to reach out when the darkness hits.
Always try and remember that when you are around people/.
Live with empathy and love.
Who knows? You may just save a life.

At the end of it all, all we are is lines drawn into the sands of time…
Lines, to be erased by the crashing waves and torrential winds.

Hear this,
When the last grain of sand falls from the hourglass that is my life,
My name will be permanently etched into the sands of time, never being erased or forgotten.

I will rattle the stars and shake the earth
I will not be forgotten
I will not be silenced.

Hi, lovely.

As you lay your head down tonight and drift off to sleep, I hope for a few things for you.

I hope that your mind is calm, still and that your thoughts are light and fluffy.
I know the days aren't always easy on you, and that you fight your battles every day.
I hope you do not have to fight as you rest.

I hope that you sleep softly, dream sweetly and recharge, ready to face whatever comes your way.