Brianna

Brianna Jan 2018

I can handle the impossible- the scary, the dark, and the loneliness that makes you feel consumed in every room.
I can handle the feeling of never being good enough, the never understanding everything, and the anxiety.

I cannot handle the unknown- the do you still love me? the do you still think about me? the questions that never have answers no matter how much you want them.

I've been swimming up the current and swallowing all the water that threatens to drown me.
I have been running uphill screaming at the top of my lungs, gasping for that breath that will calm my heart down a little bit.
I have been trying so ******* hard and you are still hiding in the corners of my brain that shouldn't have corners.

I can handle the impossible and the anxiety... but I need to know if you love me still.

#unknown #anxiety #alone #sad #sadness #brave #impossible #trying #gasping #single

Brianna Jan 2018

Never Alone

Tell me how it feels when you slide into bed at night knowing you lied to everyone you've ever loved?
Tell me does it hurt when your mom is overly religious and you believe she is insane?
Tell me does it hurt when your dad is too zoned out in old war movies to even notice you're crying in the corner?

I've never dealt with your pain.
My family was open and honest and accepting of who I was and wanted too be.

I've never dealt with your pain of finding something, anything, to get you through the day without the inside of your head screaming at you.

But, I have dealt with the sadness.
I have dealt with the anxiety of not being good enough.
So I say to you, you are not alone.

And when the sun shines but all you see is grey and sadness; I will be there for you.

#alone #sadness #pain #religion #overbearing #insane #family #anxiety #screaming

Brianna Dec 2017

Go ahead, babe.

Keep putting on a good front, let the world see that gleaming, brilliant smile you wear so well.
Let the laughter pour out like the drinks that keep sliding towards you on that bar.
Please, continue to be the class clown, make them laugh, make them wonder how you're oh, so, cool.

You put on a good front, babe.
You sure made them believe.
You put on a perfect smile, babe.
You sure let them wonder.

But I know you better then they do.
I know that smile hides sadness and fear of never being perfect.
I know those eyes hide hate for yourself and where you're at in life.

So, go ahead babe, put on that smile you wear so well.
Please let them see you laughing because god forbid they see you cry.
Continue being the confident one because we know the rest of us need a little more help.
Just remember the next time you talk about me, you're just as afraid of failing as I am.

#cocky #confidence #lies #hiding #pretending #class #clown #laughter #pain #fear

Brianna Dec 2017

Love is Sad

It's sad
that the one man to tell me he loved my body
was the one man
who was the worst for me.

It's sad
that the one man I wanted to give my heart too
decided destroying it was easier
then loving it.

It's sad
that the one man who dedicates songs and poems to me
is the one man
who I can't seem to fall in love with.

It's sad
that the girl who needs me to love her
is the one person
I can't seem to find love for.

#sad #love #giving #myself #away #selflove #hate #men #destroy #body

Brianna Nov 2017

Sunday Morning

I wanted love like Sunday morning.
Coffee filling the house, the smell of bacon cooking, and a breeze through the windows.

I wanted love like Sunday afternoon.
Jazz playing on the record player, white sheets crumpled under our bodies, and the waves outside our perfect home.

I wanted love like Sunday night.
Wine glasses clinking together, fingers laced together, and crickets chirping in the meadow.

I wanted love like a Sunday morning...

#love #sunday #morning #calm #music #wine #peace #forever #always #peaceful

Brianna Nov 2017

Misunderstanding

What I wanted to say was " leave me alone. I'm no good for you."
but what came out was " I love you too."

What I needed to say was lost behind a tiny glass screen that was much to easy to break.
What I needed you to see was thousands of miles away and forever emotionally unavailable to you.
What you needed to hear was something I have told you a thousand times before but they say love makes you blind.

And with this, I wondered if maybe I was also blind to the man I loved.
Maybe he had told me just as many times as I had told you.
Maybe he was just a ruthless and heartless as I thought I was being with you and yet here I was doing exactly what you were doing with me but with him.

I bet what he wanted to say was -- " I don't love you and you need to get that through your head."
But what I kept hearing was -- "I'm just not ready right now."

#confused #hearing #needed #knowing #not #listening #misunderstood #life #love #phones

Brianna Nov 2017

The Devil on my Shoulders

I felt slightly uneasy and slightly confused.
I was disorientated and I couldn't figure out how to stand straight.
The empathy in the room was gone.
It was filled with soulless creatures I once called friends.

The devil danced on my back and I found myself watching all the people I once loved turning into people I wanted to destroy.
Little things set me off and my patience was thinner then paper.
I could see through the looking glass- my memories were just over the rabbit hole and beyond.

Instead, I slipped farther down and down into the core of the earth until the darkness took control.
I could feel the heat- the rising of anger and jealousy that kept me from being happy for them.
I hated them.
I wanted them out of my life.

But I kept them around to help fuel the fire that was keeping me alive.
I kept them there so when I went to bed lonely and sad - least I was warmed by bitterness.
I kept them so when the envious monster of jealously came pouring down my throat-- least I wouldn't be thirsty for something I knew I'd never have.

It doesn't take one thing to send you into the pessimistic oblivion you call life- it takes an avalanche.
It takes a hurricane of pain and sadness.
It takes a tornado of loneliness and pity.
It took a massive earthquake of people telling you over and over again things were going to be okay.

The devil is dancing on my shoulders again, and he's threatening me with the idea that if I just give up now- maybe I won't be alone forever.
That the ghost's and demons will keep me company.
That the memories will be enough to hold me over.

Maybe I'll let him win, maybe I won't.
Maybe someone will help me out of this mess I call life...
or Maybe they won't.

#sadness #anger #angry #life #depressed #alone #hatred #hate #mean #jealousy