I'm not sure I'm even sad anymore by the technical definition of the word-
I think I just am tired of waking up to the same smells, the same sounds, the same loneliness that has become my best friend-

They say you get addicted to a certain type of sadness, but that could be just a lyric in a song I heard once-
I find myself dismissing the ideas of sunshine and wishing for the rain-
I find myself driving across state lines tossing my cell out the window and letting my darker than normal hair fly in the wind as I drive with no end goals-

I am sure I'm not sad anymore I just hate routine and want to disappear for a while-
My doctor wants to put me on anti-depressants but I flipped him off and screamed anarchy as I walked out that door-

One day I'll have the courage to say goodbye to everything I've ever known-
I'll color my hair and wear tight pants because I can do what I want-
I'll drink midori sours in the morning and sleep in my car-

My doctor called me reckless and insane -
My parents called me immature and needed to grow up-
My friends told me I'm depressed and keep trying to reassure me I won't die alone-
I say I don't give a **** anymore; let the wild take me and set me free-

I've fallen in love with faces on every street corner.
I've fallen in love with smiles in every cafe I wander into.

I fall in love with his eyes or that guys laugh in the mall or down the street.
I fall in love with her hands and that girls hair when I see them joking around.

Yet when I stop and take a moment to appreciate the beauty in everyone I meet; I find that I'm still a little lost without you.

I still glance up and wonder why it took so long for me to realize you're no good for me.
I still wish upon stars that maybe one day I'll love myself as much as I loved you and your flaws.

I hope to one day fall in love for real again.
To fall in love and have someone love me back with the same amount of intensity as I have for them.

Because you had such small amounts and I had the world.

We found gypsy dreams along the waves of the clouds that fell upon us that sunset of a night.
We found wander and adventure in our souls as we stared at the fiery skies above and the deep oceans below.

You told me once I needed to fall in love again.

We found mystery along the tops of trees and found cool air brushing our make believe wings.
We found belief and structure in dancing around our fears until they were to uncomfortable to stay.

You told me once I needed to remember what love was.

We found memories on the forest floors and in the jungle vines.
We found hope in the eyes of children and animals who showed us the path back to our roots.

I have remembered one thing about love and that's to love myself before loving anyone else.

You can find me skipping through the streets of Paris. I'll be the girl with the long brown hair in a black summer dress. I'll have sunglasses on and as I make my way around this foreign town I'll wonder why I ever need to go home.

You can find me arm wrestling in Germany. I'll be the girl in the shorts and the lips t shirt surrounded by angry, sweaty German men who just want to take a chance on beating me. And as I laugh my way through the match I'll wonder why I ever need to go home.

You can find me in Italy drinking wine and dancing under the moon along the cobblestone alleyways.  I'll be hand in hand with some beautiful Italian man as we kiss just because we are young and free. And as I kiss my way across the canals I'll wonder why I ever need to come home.

And if by chance I make it home to America, where the lights aren't nearly as bright and the memories aren't nearly as fun. You'll find me in a boring office working as I dream of my foreign adventures again.

Lying awake with my head on the opposite end of my bed trying to figure out what's up and what's down.
I've lost control again and I'm starting to think maybe I'm the guard and the prisoner.

They keep telling me you cannot hit lower than rock bottom and yet here I stand a little to close to the core of the earth.
Sweat dripping down my face and my eyes heavy with stress as I head straight into the magma and lava that awaits below me.

No one told me growing up would be this hard. That you would find yourself in sticky situations with money and love.
No one told me that sometimes you have to discipline yourself enough that you're stable and yet find the balance between work and play.

Tossing and turning my stomach is queasy and my head is throbbing from lack of sleep as I stare at the black ceiling above me.
Is there a way out of the darkness or should I hope that someday the answers will flicker on like a broken light bulb needing to be replaced?

No one told me growing up would be this hard.

I like the curves of your shoulders and the strength in your spine.
I like the softness in your lips but the roughness in your hands.
I like the sparkle in your eyes and the sarcasm in your smile.

I like the pieces of you that you hide away under layers of thick skin.
The sadness you try to hide when you bite your lip and look left.
The laughter you feel when you shake your head and glance down.
The irritations you know when you roll your eyes up and to the right.

I like those things more than you'll ever know. But the things I love about you could never be explained in poetry.