She sat in her kitchen in her underwear, eating left over Chinese food contemplating when life got this hard.

She couldn't remember the feeling of skin against skin or lips against lips. She couldn't remember the heat of someone else's body touching hers or if there was more than just involved.

She sat there with a blank piece of paper and a purple pen in hand... Contemplating if she should write a poem or her final goodbye note.

She couldn't remember a time where she didn't feel undesirable or ugly. She couldn't remember a moment where self hatred wasn't causing nonstop fear of being alone forever.

As she sat there in her kitchen, eating leftover Chinese food, staring at blank papers she started to cry. She started to wonder when things would eventually look up.

I don't want your annoying apologies or to hear your fake excuses anymore. I don't want your sorry eyes and charming devilish smile near me.

I don't want to fall in love with you again and again to be let down again and again. I don't want this chaotic, messy relationship anymore.

I always have believed that love should be messy. That it should be so overwhelming with passion and desire it drives you mad. That you should cry and smile and laugh with someone in the worst and best situations.

But I've now experienced the chaos.
I've had the pleasure of crying when you wouldn't talk to me for months for no reason.
I've had the pleasure of smiling when you decided that it was time to apologize again and draw me back in.
I've had the pleasure in laughing at myself for being an idiot and laughing at you for allowing yourself to say what you said.

And in all of this... I've decided...

***** the chaos.
I still want the passion and the romance but whoever said it should be messy to be real was an idiot.

I've been falling asleep in the back of the bar lately & I am not sure which way is up and which way is down.
"He" leads me down the stairs to the parking lot and rips my dress off me like its ***** laundry... But who he is... I don't even know.

It's been long enough for me to move on and get over you but there's something in the way the light shines against my hands that makes my heart ache.

You aged like wine and I aged like moldy cheese but we never found the perfect combination to keep us together.

I've been falling asleep in bars... And the bartender told me I can't come back anymore.
"He" took me home... But where that is.... I don't even know.

I don't think we were meant to end quite yet but you took two steps back with each one of my steps forward. I leapt before I could even crawl let alone walk.

You are still perfectly unhappy and I'm still researching the meaning of life... And even though part of me doesn't want you back... The other part of me still wants one last kiss.

I've been falling asleep in bars since i returned back west & I don't know if I'm just exhausted or miserable these days... But man... I hate beer.

See here's the thing is this new guy is trying to tell me I'm  beautiful and I'm pretty and everything and more.

See he told me I'm interesting and he doesn't wanna **** things up and yet I'm over here like... "Cool thanks..."

And I think the thing is... I'm bored.
I keep dreaming about you and me and how we had this wild adventure planned for our wild adventurous lives...

I keep thinking about the way your eyes looked when they looked at me and how different he looks at me.

See the thing is I know you're not coming back because I've given you too many chances and you ******* them up time and time again.,

See the thing is I want to give him a chance but I am afraid he is going to bore me to tears because he's gone and done nothing in his 30 something years of life.

And the thing is... I want to feel love again.
I want to know it when I know it and I don't think this guy... Is the one...

No he's most definitely not the one... Does this make me a bad person?

It could be my lack of faith or the fact that this rose quartz has yet to bring me the love it should. It could also be my lack of self acceptance but I will never admit that.

I hope you when you're driving down the interstate, closing in on the exit you seek, you remember I'm not that far away.

And I hope one day you'll wake up and know that I would rather be anywhere with you than in this summer heat dying for the rain.

It could be my lack of faith or the fact that this emerald didn't bring me **** for luck. It could also be my lack of self esteem that brings me to his bed dreaming of you.

One day I'll wake up and wish the best for you and your new life... And one day I'll wake up in my room sober instead of drunk and lustful night after night.

And I hope one day you'll wake up and remember that I'm not that far away... And you'll wake up and know that if clean my **** up if you would just stay.