I swallowed 36 pills today and just laid down ready to die.
You told me my sadness was beautiful... Like a flower drowning in the rain.

I laughed... Because all 36 pills were evenly counted out for the things that made me feel this way.

1. For the headaches, the nightmares and the lack of sleep.
2 for the memories of you kissing me.
3 for the heartache, the way I watched you walk off with her under your arm.
4 for the screaming, the fighting over my weight each day.
5 for the way my family just never understood the way I didn't wanna talk about my feelings.
6. For the long nights I cried myself to sleep for being so ugly no one would want me.
7. For the days I didn't think I would survive at work with a mental breakdown.
8. And last but not least, for the way I could never make myself stop worrying about everything. The way I couldn't figure out my future. The way i couldn't stop hating my entire existence.

36 pills hand counted and evenly distributed down the back of my throat.

Do you still think sadness is beautiful?

Chasing you was like trying to chase a tornado... I was headed towards total destruction and unspeakable beauty..

My only problem was that I wasn't going to make it through the destruction to see that beauty you hid within.

Chasing you was like chasing a hurricane...I was headed towards terror and unimaginable wonder.

My only problem was... I wasn't going to be able to live through the terror long enough to wonder if I would swim or drown.

One day you'll understand....

Why....I'm to afraid to take that step off the cliff.
I'm too scared to tell you I want to buy a plane ticket and come see you.
I'm to afraid of the sadness that lingers in my heart.
I'm afraid to fall in love with you again and again.

One day you'll understand....

How... You broke my heart in thousands of pieces.
I can't find them to put myself back together again.
I'm falling apart whenever you tell me you miss me.
I'm dying when you tell me you love me.

One day you'll understand...

What.... You do to me when you smile.
You are asking of me is to much.
You aren't doing has consequences.

One day you'll undersrand...

Who... You are and why you make me feel this way.
Who I am becoming.
Who we need to be.

One day you'll undersrand...

Where.... You left me is exactly where I never want to end up again....

You're a cold walk in December when it's snowing and I forgot my coat.
When I'm shaking and shivering running into Walgreens because their heater is on.

You're a brisk wind and a fast paced argument that happens on a Sunday afternoon in church.
You cursed in front of your god for me not believing your beliefs.

You're a Saturday afternoon breakfast because I woke up to late and hungover.
When the food got cold because I couldn't find the asprin and broke down in tears on my kitchen floor.

See you're the reason I fell in love and the reason I drink to much of the hard stuff instead of tea.
But you don't understand that yet, which is why you still watch cartoons Saturday morning, and I cry alone in bed.

You're a cold walk in  December  when it's snowing....

I remember looking across the Golden Gate Bridge thinking... This was it! We could never be who we used to be.

Wind in our hair as we drove fast on the interstate... Just you laughing at me and me smiling at you.

What joy to be young and dumb and in love with each other and life.

It was a cool California night, we drank wine under the moonlight and roamed the city with brown paper bags in our hands.

You arms around my shoulders your lips against my cheek... I couldn't help but think this was it! We could never be who we used to be.

There's something about the city at night with its lights and the thought that danger could be around any corner.

But this was exactly where we ought to be... Just you laughing at me and me smiling at you.