on the outside I am happy
perfectly normal
I act like every single one of you
I dress the same way, style my hair the same
Every day
but if you peel back the many layers
that I have created to cover my true self
you'll find darkness and turmoil and weeping screaming scars
i'm tired of dressing and acting like you guys
I'm tired of pretending to be normal
when all I want is to slice open and let the pain bleed down the drain
till maybe I will be normal

I look fat she says
I feel so big
I comfort her of course
but then I look at her
her wrists are bony
she's tinier then me
doesn't she realize
how big she makes me feel
when she's tinier then me?

look at whatever you want
just not at my fingernails
bitten down to the quick
please

i'm scared that when I have kids
i'll parent just like her
or her
drugs and abandonment on one end
abuse and manipulation on the other
I don't know how to end the cycle
when I see myself in the reflection of both of their eyes

just once
I want to be called beautiful
I wont believe you anyways
but i'll want to
just once I want you to tell me i'm worth it
I won't trust you
but i'll try
just once I want you to see me
i'll pretend you weren't looking at me
but i'll know
just once I want to be told i'm perfect
flaws included
but I won't believe you

I wish you would break me
quit hitting me just hard enough to fracture
and break me already
i'm tired of gluing the pieces back together
i'm tired of the lies
the makeup
the blinking away tears from my eyes
just woman up
and break me already

last week
I grew out my nails
and then you screamed at me
and I dug them into my palm
until it bled
What did that accomplish?
Nothing.