I tell her I'm fine
I tell him I'm great
I keep preaching love
While I reek of hate

I bought the best of materials
For this teary wet wall
The thickest facade
That I will never let fall

I decide weeks in advance
The emotions I will feel
It's hard to be sick
But it's harder to heal

I feel comfort in my decision
To lie to all around me
So I may continue to rot
So no one will stop me

I know all the steps
The steps one takes to remedy
But the plague in my blood
Has made me lose my memory

For now I'll be alive
Though I might not be living
And I'll cling onto my blight
And all that it is giving

Please break my heart
So I don't have to break yours
I'd rather feel all that pain
Than be the one to make you endure

Please break my heart
So I can leave yours intact
I'd rather be haunted
Than have to hear you react

Please break my heart
So I can live with my decision
I'd rather lose all my tears
Than have tears disrupt your vision

Please break my heart
So I'm not the one serving time
Id rather feel completely caged
Than be the one to commit this crime

Please break my heart
So I can make sure you're OK
I'd rather lose my voice
Than listen to all you might say

This request might seem odd
I ask for you to do the downing
But if we're both stuck in this storm together
I'd rather be the one drowning

Did you ever think of staying?
Or was leaving the only way
you knew how to love me?

Was I too much,
or not enough?
Did I ask for things
you couldn’t give,
or did you offer less
than you were able?

I wonder if you held back your truth
to protect me,
or to protect yourself
from watching me fall apart.

The answers don’t come.
But the questions—
they stay.
Lodged somewhere between
my ribs and my memory,
quiet,
persistent,
unanswered.

Life takes too much energy
Exhausted
all
the
time
Sick of it all
It's not the first time struck by an episode
Life is going average
Ok-ish
pretty boring
but
routine
is
key

O
C
D

Yes, life could be better
but we'll get through it
I know we'll get through it
because you told me we will
so we shall
hand
in
hand
Together

I’ve done it again
The thing I’m trying not to do
I should feel guilty
That, I know
But all there is, is a dark ache in my chest
It’s the monster
The one dressed in pretty lies
And petty fights
Hair the color of the bags under my eyes
Eyes made up of a million shades of my soul
Her eyes are black
The monster is me
Dressed in pretty pink
Tightly coiled mousy brown hair
Dull hazel eyes
I am the monster
              







                                                      The­ monster is me

What if I want to fall in love?
What if I wanna feel like lovers do?
What if I want movie nights in the dark?
A hand softly stroking my hair?

What if I want a love story?
What if I want someone to call me randomly?
What if I know exactly who I want it to be?
But what if he doesn’t really like me?

I texted him the other day
Complaining about dad again
While he told me about the latest season of the flash
He stopped when I told him what my dad said
When he told me my makeup was
‘Asking for it’
But maybe it was
I got catcalled that day
It was weird
I never thought I was pretty enough for that
But then he stopped
He got angry
Asked me
‘Who would dare?’
And my heart warmed
I told him my thoughts
‘I never thought it would happen to me. ME’
And he got even angrier
He told me
‘You’re beautiful, why would you be confused’
We went back to safe conversation
He talked about the flash
While I romanticized the characters
It was SAFE
We’re too young for this
But maybe
His will be the hand stroking my hair
When we’re older
Yeah
Then

When your heart is feeling tired and full in all its parts,
It's me that will help you, baby, I'll carry your heart.
When your heart is feeling heavy and it's full of a load to bear,
It's me, love, I'll carry your heart with so much care.
When your mind is racing and you don't know which way to go,
It's me, Ray, I'll carry your heart to lessen your load.
When you struggle with your decisions, your heart should take,
It's me, Ray, I'll help. I'll carry your heart when you need a break.
When you just need to know that you're truly not alone within your heart,
Baby, it's me, I'll always carry your heart as long as you let me; we won't break apart.