Tears brim your eyes as you bite your lip.
Face scrunched in pain, you hold your pillow.
Rolled onto your side, you pray.

She hurt you.
She really did a number on you.

You grunt an ancient language that only heartache speaks.
You are starting to become fluent again.

We don’t speak her name, but she is etched into your memories.
We don’t speak her presence, but she is engraved into your being.

You pray harder, hoping that maybe it will put your pieces back together.
Your hands are clasped so tightly that your knuckles praise white.

She never cared for you,
She never loved you,
But who am I to know?

You’re alone again,
Sad.
You’re alone again,
Content.
You’re alone again,
Mad.

You don’t have to be alone anymore.
I want to be there for you,
I want to care for you.
I want to mend your aching heart,
When you said that no one ever has before.

I thought to myself,
Maybe it’s time to start.

I did it.
I looked at her account,
I saw the pictures of you and her together.
I did it.

I told myself not to,
But, I’m still as stubborn as you left me.
Nothing’s changed.

Wait— scratch that.

Everything’s changed.

Nothing is how you left it,
And it never will be.

I’m something different now,
And I’m sure you are too.

I’m sure you’re happy and safe.
That’s all I could ever want.

But,
Remember how I said everything’s changed?

Well, it really has.

I collect rainwater now, I bathe every full moon, I dance in sunlight naked.

Crazy, isn’t it?

I sing songs without knowing the lyrics, I recite poetry upside down, and I create life with my left hand now.

I’m not the girl you left behind,
I’m her, sure.
But,
Not exactly though.

My hair is shorter, specifically on one side.
My stride is bigger, I have nothing to weigh me down now.
And my smile is as bright as ever.

It took you leaving for me to find the light within myself,
It took you leaving to show me that I don’t need anyone else to be happy.

So, thank you.

I wish you could see me now,
I think you’d be proud.

I think I still love you,
It might be just a glitch.
It may just be the last shred of you separating from my soul or it may just be the flashing image of you finally leaving me.
It has to be something.
It has to be.
I can’t love you.
I can’t—
Not anymore.

I saw your keys,
It had my creation.

I saw your car,
It had my impression.

You still carry my memoir.
I’m still with you,
But why?

There has to be a reason,
There has to be.
Because you’re over me,
I swear you are.
You have her, and you’re happy.

You’re happy, right?

Please tell me that you are,
Please tell me that she’s everything I’m not.

Tear me down,
Please tear me down,
Break me again.

Because I can’t keep breaking myself over you.
I can’t keep gluing myself back together only to shatter it twice more.

It hurts,
It aches,
My heart is in ruins again.

I swear I’m over you,
I was,
But you keep bringing me back to life.

I saw the way your eyes lit up with me,
I saw the smile I gave you,
I felt the love we shared.

Can’t you see?

This isn’t a game,
We can’t be friends,
Never again.

Because friends don’t feel this way,
I think I’m still in love with you.

And sometimes (sometimes) I wish it would it go away.

I'm a fool who's rage is written on a page
Flickering with fire, fueled by a painful desire
Unruly and unjust it burns without control
Till its content with its remains of dark ash and coal
Seeking no shelter, though it must be contained
She screams as she cries trapped in a cage
Walls adoring her, only growing stronger with age
Dreading the knocking that echos so loud
Fumbling with the keys, throwing them to the ground
Huddling into one's self, as the world grows c o l d
Yearning for somebody who can allow her to be whole
As she kicks and she screams, pushing them away
It's difficult to get past this tremendous facade
That holds so well, ingrained into her being
Disregarding the world and others well-being
How heartless and cold
How selfish and bold
Pitiful you are
with that narcissist mask, you hold
Dance me another dance
Within that ballroom of yours
Filled with the most beautiful flowers
And those demons that taunt at all hours
Its cold deep within, even with fires set aflame
As she continues burning within her own stone-cold cage.

Here we are again,
Square one.


~

You're not the subject of my dreams.
You don't haunt my sleeping thoughts.
You don't exist in my mindless slumber.
You've disappeared from the dreamscape.
You've escaped existence.

In place of you,
Another figure rises from the incandescent air.
As if you were never there,
The figure smiles.

You're not the stranger I once knew.
You're a blur in time.
You're the glaring of lights.
You're the whisper of secrets.
I don't know you anymore.

In place of you,
Another strange thing taunts me.
As if you never existed.

You're no religion to me anymore.
Unholy, unbroken, and unseen.
You're not Godly anymore.
I can't pray to you.
You’re a bad religion.

I can’t read you anymore,
Slowly tracing you with my fingers,
I can’t read between your lines--
I don’t know you.

So, who are you?
Where have you been?
Why don’t you haunt me anymore?
Up in smoke.