Stop hiding.
Abiding.
You are not that person
In the back of your head
Telling you not to share,
not to care
YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT!
Don't hold yourself back
Ever
Because of the failures of
Others
Outsiders
Today is a new day
I acknowledge you
Trying.

You said I was your muse
Your reason to paint
Now you're falling off
You lost me
You lost me
I'm gone.
You said you don't love me.
But I know you ******* need me.
I bring things,
Unemaginable joyous things,
To your lonely life.
You chose this.
You chose this new life
of misery
Always wondering
what is truth and
what is lie.
You chose to be alone inside.
I had hope for us
But hopes love lost
Time has run out
I'm a muse for someone else.

I like that sad slow jazz.
With the trumpets
and the sax.
It reminds me how to feel
And live
And die
All at once.
It moves mountains in my soul
And makes my eyes rain
Rainbows.
It's like seeing color
in black and white
All the while freeing
My soul.
It sets me on fire
Yet puts out the flame.
Yeah, I like that sad
That sad slow jazz.
That whirlwind
Buzzing
Flying
Flight of a sound.
That melody and harmony
That strength
And sorrow.
Oh I like,
I like that sad slow jazz
It reminds me
Of love.

We accept the love we think we deserve
And I deserve you
No matter how much I hate myself
I know I deserve you.
That's why
I let you love me
And I accept it
And I'm breaking down walls
I'm tearing through all the parts of me
That just want to push you away.
I'm letting you love me
And I deserve it.

Your eyes shine
Like the sun
When you look at me.
The twinkle in your eye pierces my soul.
I hope this is love and not lust.
I hope that I trust and not run.
My eyes shine
Like the sun
When I look at you.
I see into your beautiful soul.
Your strength is impeccable.
Encouraging.
Your touch
Your kiss
Is my savior
You
Save me.

There are two outcomes to love pulling on the heartstrings of suffering
Writing
Or death.
I choose pen on paper
Rather than a blade to my wrist.

Why?
Why?
The timing is all wrong.
You should have left me nine plus years ago,
When I didn't know who I was.
If I was straight
Or gay
Or just me.
You should have left me when I found comfort in the arms of tragedy
And alcohol.
Men and women.
Downward spiraling to
Self destruction.
Yet you waited
You waited to tare me down
And make me feel every ounce of pain that I put you through.
Not in actions
But words are far worse.
Because you told me that you love me
And made me believe it
And your arms were the only ones I wanted
But it took me years to truly open myself up to you.
To break down all of the walls I put up
To stop subconsciously destroying Myself
Destroying you in the process.
Not knowing that the whole time
You were the one who was going to inevitably destroy me.
Nine years.
And all the smiles
And tears
And ****** up words
And break ups
And make ups
And above all,
Love.
After all that ******* feeling
Poured into three words.
After I fully gave
My entire self
My entire being
To you.
You woke up one day
And decided
That you just don't love me
Anymore.
And I broke into
A million little pieces
And in every piece
I wonder
If you ever
Ever even
Loved me
At all.