I keep trying to connect to my younger self-
I’ve been reading old journals,
listening to old Ed Sheeran albums-
wondering, “Did I really love this magenta color so much”?

Attempting to feel the way that she did.
Feeling her excitement-
her joy-
her passions.

I have been rediscovering that my past self and I have been through many things. Things that I don’t think about because they are too hard to think about, or simply things that I have forced myself to forget about- like putting my memories on paper and then burning them in a fire.

She was a really sad person.
She struggled.
She was anxious.
She was depressed.
She hated herself.
She had moments of unwavering positivity but there was so much self doubt.

She still is a really sad person.
She still struggles.
She is anxious.
She is depressed.
She hates herself, sadly so.
She still has moments of unwavering positivity but there is still so much self doubt.

I guess some parts of us never change, despite us wanting them too.

Here I stand
I'm paralyzed

Not by terror
But by grief

I am a captor
Of the past

Until it fades
Into the dark

There you are
Alive and dead

I see you breathe
I hear you speak

And yet already
You are gone

I lost you, friend
And soon enough

The only thing
Uniting us

Will be our mutual silence