I am going... to try.
Not for you, but for me.
I will go downstairs and I will eat dinner.
I will wake up tomorrow and I will have breakfast, I will have lunch, I will have dinner. I will eat my snacks.
And if I cannot do all of it, that is okay.
I can try again the next day.
It's alright if I make mistakes. I can do that.
But I am going to try.
It's not cool when people care about you because you made yourself throw up.
It's not cool when people care about you because you can barely walk or stand without being lightheaded.
It's not cool when people care about you because you are sitting at meals staring at your food like it's some sort of foreign object.
It's not cool when you receive attention for your vitals being so bad that you faint.
It's cool when people applaud you for the hard work you have been putting in.
It's cool when you've made progress and people tell you they are proud.
It's cool when you get to go outside everyday because you've earned privileges.
It's cool when you get attention for doing well and having someone put their hand on your back and say, "hey, I know today was hard. But you made it through."
My eating disorder is not cool. In fact it's proven to be incredibly uncool.
I used to hate when people told me they were proud of me, but as I got told today how much I was loved and how proud everyone was of me I realized how cool recovery was.
I am not going to give up. It's going to be incredibly difficult. And some days, it may feel impossible but no matter what,
I am going to try.


- thoughts after being kicked out of treatment

She lays in her bed feeling like she's laying on cement.
Nothing feels good anymore.
It all hurts, it all feels so out of reach. Just out of reach. Everything is always just out of reach. Why is everything just out of reach?
Why does she do everything right and get nothing in return?
Maybe it's not right.
She gets her hopes up. She really needs to stop doing that, it creates unrealistic expectations and those are ideas that she just cannot get herself stuck on.
Is this the punishment for trying to be happy? She doesn't understand what she has done wrong, she doesn't understand what she needs to do right.
She no longer wants to do right.
People are belittling her.
People are telling her how she should act.
Her strings are being pulled left and right, down and up all at once.
She ripped a long time ago.
She sits there with a blank stare. No longer caring, she just has to agree with everyones orders and what everyone wants from her.
Her life is not her own.
Has it ever been her own?
Will it ever be?
Then it brings up the question, but does it matter?
She tries to speak but they grab it out of thin air and shake their heads at her.
Her words are not valid.
She is not valid.
She will never be valid.
It's no longer just out of reach.
It's completely out of her hands.
They have locked it in a box and hid the key.
She has no chance here.
She never has,
she never will.

Texts from my mother while in recovery:

#1 Following the rules is easy, doing what's right is easy.
#2 Stop making attempts at manipulation.
#3 Stop it. What is the point?
#4 Stop acting out.
#5 Stop being disrespectful.
#6 It seems like you are not even trying.
#7 Are you behaving today? Are you being respectful?
#8 Stop being so negative.
#9 Show some insight.
#10 Just be positive.

Because treatment is so easy.
And treatment is not a place where I should ever feel upset or act out in any type of way.
Never can I say a negative word about how I am feeling--- no. I must say, "I am sad but it doesn't matter because it's a beautiful day out!"
I am finished with feeling belittled and unheard. Where is my support? I lost everyone including my mother now. It seems like all I have is me and I will do absolutely nothing good for myself, so right now I am alone.

Perhaps I was never meant to remove this mask of mine.