I feel like I've changed so much in the past two months,
now I'm constantly changing
(it's okay to change)
(right?)
now i let myself have nightmares
and somehow I've lost some friends and gained some new ones
and somehow
I'm letting you in
but not even I know what you're getting into

I am sorry.
I want everyone to know that this is no one's fault.
If anyone were to blame, it would be the universe herself,
and even that seems unfair.
She is trying to survive, just like the rest of us.
I am not sure where I will go now.
Whether it will be pearly gates
or eternal sleep
or a fire place
I am unsure,
but it is worth the risk to escape this reality.
I remember my mom holding me as I sobbed
because my best friend had been ***** and I did not save her.
My mother whispered like a lullaby into my ear,
there was nothing you could have done.
As if the fact that horrible things happen to innocent people
and there is no way to stop it
should come as a comfort to me.
I realize that this is just how life is
and if everyone else can live with it then I should be able to, too,
but I cannot seem to keep myself from trying to rescue everyone.
I am throwing myself into the ocean to resuscitate those seen drowning,
I am being swept out by the tide,
gagged by the salt water,
pulled beneath the surface by the ones I am trying to hold up.
Maybe I am weak.
Maybe I am too dense to fight the pull of gravity.
Maybe gravity will finally get what it wants
when I, in my brown box, am lowered as deep as this life can take me.
My spine is no longer strong enough to withstand this pressure.
I am breaking.
I am leaving.
I am gone.
I am sorry.

my name comes in pills,
colorful pops of acid you can slip over your tongue and wash down with saliva
and often times I wish someone would crave my affection
the way they crave the rush they get by popping mollys.
and often times I wish I was half as exciting

And she said…

I luv you,
?
Where’s the

O-v-e-

R
we truly
Over?

Or just yet
To begin?

Well, *** u

It’s convenient
To shorten words
To speed the converse
But love
Should be handled
With delicacy
You’re lack of concern
Brought
“I luv u 2”
In return
You’re more mathematical
Than poetical
And I accept our difference
But your indifference
Once I brought it
To your attention
Is well worth
The “*** you” aforementioned