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 Jul 2016 BarelyABard
Gaye
The poet.
 Jul 2016 BarelyABard
Gaye
The catastrophe of being a poet is that you are an annoying brain with delicate bones made of glass, who watches weird TV shows and reads bizarre newspaper happenings, ponder over the final chapters of your literary idols while walking the rain with hands inside your pajama pockets and dig out incomprehensible meanings someone managed to scribble at the back of his notebooks. Psychologists have such complicated theories about your social ineptitude, hence you die breathing the yellow notebook pages of a second-hand bookstore even though your brain signals warned you about chronic asthma. But you'll live for centuries inside punched hearts, libraries and under lazy bedsheets because at least for a moment you made a total stranger giggle, weep, scream and sometimes jump in joy over a well-penned verse. Did your friends tell you 'you ****'? Well, no one's gonna  remember those *** holes and always remember if not today, but someday you'll be someone's wonderwall.
Looking at the ground,
She sees more beauty
Than she ever could have
If she had looked up.

Eyes trained on her on her toes,
She understands,
Beauty is in the person
Who is seeing.

And her beauty
Is just a little
Different
Than everyone else's.
04-26-16
It's always you.
Your feelings,
Your heart,
Your mind.

Not me,
Or my sanity,
Or my peace.
Never me.

Always your happiness,
And your pains,
And you telling me
About how I'm wrong again.

And it's always you
That's right,
That's on the chopping block,
Not me.

It's never me,
That's hurting,
That's crying
While you're talking
About yourself,
Your needs,
On the other side.

It's never about me.
7-9-16
Maybe not the best constructed, but it shows my pain.
Bullets bouncing off of wet concrete
still hot to the touch....

Outside my window, a sea of blood
millions upon millions of pictures plastered over television screens

Outside my window, bodies laid bare....
white eyes and frozen skin....

Stain glass window, one hundred million faces
outside my stain glass window....
Gazing at the cracks of my shattered mirror
reflects the echos that haunt my tortured soul....
Your kiss is like a hurricane
sending my mind into a absolute frenzy....
Mirror, mirror
On my wall
Am I too short?
Am I too tall?

I'll sit in front of you
My legs crossed
Staring at the me
Inside
Who lives in your world
Of
Extreme black
Extreme white
Never a lovely
Of grey

I wonder
If
She's happy there
The window girl
Of your
Extreme world
I've seen her
Smile
I've seen her
Sob

Could it
Be
The poor thing
Really just needs

A hug?

Then maybe she'd
Stop
Putting me down
And
Demeaning me

If she can be
So
Hurtful to me
Then I wonder what
Made her
That way
Perhaps people
Said mean things about
Her
Too?

Or maybe...
It's me.
Is it me?
Who says garbage
About her
To her face
And behind her
Back
Not really caring
Either way

Mirror, mirror
On my wall
So we both
Taught eachother
How to crawl

Can we bring this
Feud
To an end?

Today I made
A new window friend.
Once upon a time,
A flame clear and bright
Fell in love with kindling.

He asked her
To hold him
With her burning arms,
She touched the kindling gently,
And left a black mark
On his chest.

She backed away,
But he grabbed onto her hand,
She watched
In horror
As his fingers went up in smoke.

She didn't want to hurt him,
But he didn't want her to leave.

Now she's watching
The tiny fire
Slowly burning
Up his limbs.
Her own love for him
Orange and dancing in
In the dark
Blackening his
Heart.
"There's a lot of stories
In every cigarette.
A lot of stories in
The one
Stained with my
Lipstick.
A lot of reasons
For the smoke making
Curly pictures
In my lungs.

"I'm smoking
a childhood,
Rolled in
Domestic violence
Court case
Papers,
And I'm drinking
Hope
For a future
I let go of
Years ago.

"The bags under
My eyes
Are packed with
Late nights of worry,
For my high school
Sweetheart's
Troubled adolescence,
And struggle for recovery.
I couldn't even
Fully close them.

"The slouch in my
Shoulders,
Is from giving up
The fight,
For a better life,
A better me,
It's made from
Acceptance of my
Lowly state,
And self pity.

"The tobacco scent,
Combined with
Other things...
Between my pointer
And middle
Fingers,
Is made of
Many meetings,
And hugs,
From family who
Didn't
Love
Me.

"Who am I?
Look at me.
I am possibility.
The eulogy for your
Battered youth,
And the future
You could have had.
I'm you,
If you let go."
A flick of his baton,
And hate fills the room.
Wafting under the doors
Into bystanders,
And passersby,
Ears.

My father was our conductor.

A sweeping gesture,
So well rehearsed...
And love and admiration,
Make the room quiver with sound.

He held his audience in a grip as hard as a scared child's, he'd perfected every move he made.

The stage is set,
The orchestra is ready to play,
Not for the audience,
For the conductor.

He trained us, his family, as a traveling show
All to boost his needy ego.

He raises his hands,
And the pity raises it's volume.
You can taste the salty,
Bitter melody
On your tongue.
You could almost swallow the tune.

If he couldn't use you in some way, he'd leave you,
Whether you were a friend or his blood.
  
A sweet undertone of hate,
So easily made,
And so tempting.
Now a brief solo...
And the admiration blasts full,
And loud,
And bright.

He'd use those who loathed him in his orchestra,
Use them to make his admirers defend him.

The conductor,
And his orchestra.
Like the sun and the planets.
The music revolving around him,
His curled moustache,
And retreating hairline.

He was a puppet master, gaining something from any
Attention thrown his way.
  
Now a solo for the fear,
Clear,
And high.
His hands go down low,
For the base sound of anger.

He was a walking explosion, when he entered the room in our home, it silenced.

Bitterness fills the room,
It's strings
Singing.
And pity again,
Perhaps his favorite instrument.

I hated him for not loving me, and he used my bitterness to hold my sisters closer to him

The conductor,
The abuser,
Conducting all the attention,
Upon himself.
Not any type is unwanted,
All instruments have a place
On his stage.

The only way to escape, was to let him go.

I've dropped my instrument.
Left bitterness on the floor.
The last one I've played,
I've tried my hand at all the others,
But I could never find one
I wanted to keep.
The life of a musician,
Just isn't for me.
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