Dec.28.2019

To see this sight once again,
strikes me with a heartwarming awe.
I am alight once again,
the blue flame has consumed me again,
but it changes as does the tides,
into a vernal green flame,
flowing with flowery life.

It has changed a lot since a year ago,
even why I have done it.
I feel much better, but I wish
I really do wish,
that it didn't have to be solved like this.

Ya know,
It wasn’t so bad
Being rejected by a dude,
It never is.

Because in the end
They’re still cute!

Taking into account
All the tension
That has come to pass,
I should have long since

Snap—   —ped

So why am I
Still standing
In one piece?

Confusion whips up all around me;
A desert of the unexplained.
Words and phrases once meant to free
Now trap me in my pain.

A scarring biting nervous wind;
Shards of memories meant to maim.
Time is all I need to mend,
But my silence became a dying flame.

The cinders rise
In flumes of choking smoke
But refreshing rivers flow
And create my lifefull cloak.
The waterfall splashes
And cools the forest
Restoring what was lost.

The miasmic thoughts flow unrestrained,
The **** of daytime sensibility removed.

Thoughts of far off events,
Hosted in worlds parallel
To our very own.

Dreams of the impossible,
That I’m to prove feasible.

Hopes of happiness,
Or the arrival of those
Who beckon it’s luminescence.

“Will my thumb, a now desolate scape
Of nerve damage and love ditched long ago,
Feel sharp sensations, as it once did?”

Why do we insist
To wear a plastic visage
Even in front of that one person
Who’s eyes are the daggers
That crack the defenseless mask
And reveal the real you.

I'm here,
at a table.

A white tablecloth,
holding a poster
sits in front of me.

This precarious
group
of four
finally finishes
a frustrating part.

A wave of
euphoria
swept over all

jumping up
I looked across
the white expanse
and noticed
something
new

She's right there
Who?
I didn't pay attention
beforehand

we lock eyes.
She suddenly becomes

e v e r y t h i n g

and I become

nothing...

Why should I let you
Wind up my dreams for me?
Why should I follow through,
If you won’t let me be free?

The trees sit through health and blight,
The forest sits among the trees,
But I could never see the sight
Because you dropped me on my knees.

You promise salvation
But you’ve led me too deep,
And I know, with trepidation,
That the only salvation is in my sleep

Why should I let you be the light
When I only see you as a blight?

Repulsive figures
Glaring from the sidelines.
Living on a lost road,
Looking sidelong at a toad.
The arrow fades to blue
and I’m looking at you,
Yes, both of you.

A selfish desire lead me astray,
I wanted to help her in any way,
But I think I’m really just gay.
He looked at me when others looked away,
He has always helped make my day.

But it disgustates my narrowed mind
To think I’d like a dude in this kind.

An indecisive bi,
At least I should try
To make a **** decision...
Before my arm feels division.

Living a lie,
wanting to die.
Saying you're okay,
but you are breaking down;
hour by hour, day by day.

Suddenly,
swiftly,
and silently
swept out
into the sea
of your fruitless lie.

Now only you will ever know.
You reap what you sow.

Dec.28.2019

Time is a relative  concept
I mean, have you ever
Felt like you teleported
From 11:00 to 1:00?
I have.
It’s an awkward mistake
That i all too often make.

Ashes fall
Upon crows in flight.
Cawing in
A cloaked night.

Dancing sparks;
Floating up high.
The raven’s barks;
A simmering cry.

As the ashes call the crows,
The sparks burn the ravens.

A spike;
Cold, torturous,
And reminiscent
of the eternal void.

The void is a reflection
Of what lies inside me.
Relinquishing the reigns,
I let my demise
Become the torture
For my miserable actions.

You left something behind, once again.
I just kept counting my fingers, one to ten.
You been forgettin’, lettin’ down,
Berating, belating and I just keep waiting,
Watching you hating all the things I am
Creating with my shaking hands.

My ego keeps deflating
At every insult you’ve been making
It’s infuriating how you are thinking that you are getting away with all the **** you’ve done to me.
I haven’t been forgetting or hating or belating and berating...

Until now.

You left me behind.
Do you wanna pick up what you’ve forgotten?

Behind this mask of words
Lies a mind of numbers
And calculations, rampant in herds.

A mind of thinking,
A mind never stopping
Not
Even
For
One

S i n g l e

Second!

Always running
Toofasttocomprehend
But fast enough to understand.

A mind running off words
Does in fact exist,
As an auxiliary unit
But the math brain is my init.

Two sides of the same coin.
Think rapid, like gold circuitry,
But more blunt than a butchery.

What if I created a livestream?
A video broadcasted in real time,
For all to see my dastardly crime.

All it would take is a service,
And an awfully amazing plan,
Then I’d be set, oh man!

What if I held
A livestream suicide?
For all to see my body fall
And drift out by the ocean tide.

As darkness falls
The world becomes a shroud,
In which the smallest lights
Beckon forth
A sea of illumination.

Why should I write?
Many reasons present themselves.

To not end my life,
Prove that I’m not good,
Release of emotion
To refrain from bleeding

But now,

I write to love
And show this love
To that unwatching eye.

Wills,
Dragging beyond minds.
Paper,
To receive the soul’s signature;
An inken mark of individuality.
Ink to paper, fire to ice,
The continuity of the duality.

Thawing ice
Broken glass

Falling free
Without care

Living life
Timeless times

Injuring myself on
Fragmented barriers

Shattering emotion
Destroyed by what’s lost.

The cook books lie
In the realm of bakers,
Those who pass are to die
And meet their makers.

The time draws out
And the sweets stop arriving.
We will cry and pout,
But the bakers keep on thriving.

The shops have closed doors,
So we skip the baker forts.
The acidly cold rain pours,
But neither side makes retort.

In times like these our town begins to drop,
We can only hope for the demise
Of the dreaded baker shop.

A soul caught in the past,
A planet covered in cables
Was never meant to last.

Fly the flags half mast,
And wait for it to pass.
Love flies up in a flume,
But why will these flowers
Never bloom?

A lash of autumn wind slices at the skin,
a gentle yet firm reminder of nature's harsh personality.
With the whip arises a spray of icy water,
Its bleak gray sheen housing an unparalleled vibrancy.

The drifting tides churn in wonder and expectation,
bringing this once still and silent slate
to a monochromatic spectrum.

Opal blades;
Freezing rain to hail,
And deftly slicing through
The iridescent frosted grasp.

As the cold is cleaved
A spectrum of vibrant glass
Echoes like a brilliant sunrise,
And life is borne once again.

Be you.
Be what you are
Don’t try to uphold an illusion.
It will shimmer then fall,
And then you’ll be left to crawl,
Because they didn’t catch your fall.

As long as you be you as well,
I’ll be me.

My face is but
A vicariously vibrant visage of life,
In which I see the world
Through a shield of silent subterfuge;
A void that covers my vibrance.

A faceless watch
Cannot give the time.
A faceless person
Cannot see eye-to-eye.

Lips brush softly
As a passing breeze
Carries a feather.
She’s leaving again,
But not forever.

A sudden silent hit
Comes to greet me
When I least expect it.

The wind swallows us
In her eternal grace,
So I try in haste
To be her home base.

A world of emanating noise
Filling my mind with static,
The voices are in and out
Their sounds more that sporadic.

Living in a world of noise
Shouting through my soul
Living in a world of toys
Screaming away what’s whole

All things can be broken.
From the Titanic,
To this spiraling pencil,
Nothing is indescribable.
Relationships included.

But not all things can be fixed.
A scarred and broken body may heal,
But it’s mind will never correct.
The memories will always haunt,
Old habits may die hard.

And maybe,
Just maybe,
A love for pain
Still resides.

Spreading feet out to the side,
Digging into both worlds’ tides.
A fork in my path lies ahead,
And now the woods
Is full if razored briars.

One or the other,
A fundamental problem
Consisting of binary.

Zero is well known
And a trusted option.

One is new
And fills me with confliction.

So much controversy,
In this second wave,
But as long as I keep my wits
She won’t notice,
And I’ll be safe.

You can be the storm,
And destroy my world.
You can be the ashes,
Falling like stone.
There’s a world I own,
And a world you’ve flown.

You can be the feather
Of a flightful bird.
You can become the breeze
Of my heart’s summer.
A world that I’ll flower,
And a world you’ll enter.

Names aren’t important.
I don’t wonder who the thief is by name,
I wonder with faces instead.
They flash by and I think “what if it was this person?”

I should leave a note, saying hi to them.
I really want to become friends with them,
It is naïve of me,
at 17 years old,
To want a friend.
But thats the one thing i want.

Not love,

Not money,

Not possessions,


A good friend,

A real friend.

A silent slimmer
Of this silvery hope
Lies untainted,
untouched.
I see its natural beauty
through the crumbling wall,
Its reverent radiance
Residing upon my face,
Turning it into
The same silvery hope
That I am lucky to gaze upon.

This decrepit wall never needed
To come crashing and crumbling down,
I just needed to become the silver
That slips through its openings,
And rise into my rightful freedom.

Floating fish,
Swimming amongst an ocean
Of turquoise atmosphere.

Clouds waver like shifting curtains;
Tossed slightly in the gentle breeze.
While the whales swim through them,
Their bodies but needles to cotton.

Filtered light lies upon the streets,
Shifting like the winded tree’s shade.
A relaxed, soft, Sunday light,
As dull as worn out blades.

Glinting light on the whales’ backs,
Shining brighter than a million eyes.
Inside this world of shimmering light,
Every existence flamboyantly flies.

“Why must we fight?”
Asked the boy
With the tear-filled countenance.

“Because we are told so”
Responded the woman
After a dense pause.

“Then there is no question,”
Stated the man.
And with tearless eyes,
He went to take his father’s place.

It’s a day of fun
Just one of those days,
No need to run;
It’ll all be done.

It’s an endless time
And time’s never kind,
So count my teardrops;
All hundred-eighteen of them
We’ll see this one through;
Watch the sunset’s red gem,
Then we’ll know
Time’s kindness once again.

Love is controllable,
I had it under my thumb.
Way back when, I liked someone,
But I switched my object of obsession,
In order to avoid imminent depression.
But That was just an interest; a fancy,
Now what I have is beyond my control,
Not only that, but it’s in a realm I cannot see.
So I’m stuck in this desolate, claustrophobic hole,
With no latter or rope to speak praise of,
I want to send myself a white dove,
And control or remove this hellish love.

Within homecoming flames
And withering leaves,
Doors are opened wide
To let in a freezing tide.

As warmth covers our food and will
The food we eat becomes our ****,
Living through life’s boundless wonders
And killing through our blind blunders.

Giving thanks for lives we’ve won,
And taking them away when we’re done.
Why not feel pride in our job?
after all, our mentality is that of a mob.

The pages lie before me, still lined.
The night is stalking closer,
I don't need to mind.

A light lies beyond the wall;
A wall to block it's flares.
even in this darkness, I'll stand tall.

These pages have now turned blind,
it's too dark for them to see,
and no more are they lined.

Is it red or gold?
I can no longer see the difference.
They both have meaning, warm and cold,
but I have no background inference.

Red like the fluttering cardinal's feathers,
but with a worldless ocean of depth.
The eminent vitality permeates the countless layers,
and a single look was enough to deftly steal my breath.

but it might as well be a searing gold,
with its sheen of softly sleeping amber.
A vibrancy that boils my blood cold,
and fills my mind with fruitless clamor.

I see it as neither or both.
The gold brings solace, while the red is my reality.
Before the colors flow, I must swear my saving oath,
that the delusion will never end my forlorn vitality.

A frosted mist lies, stagnant,
Over a glittering lonesome field.
Hanging like a martyr’s last breath
In a silent tribute to their death.

Numbers rising
Like falling stars.
Galaxies away?
No...
Right outside my door.

In the memories
Ashes turn to dust.
Thoughts gently carried
by the air’s disturbance,
Blowing the dust
Out of existence.

The past five days
Were not the best.
You could even say
That they were ****,
As you disgustedly spit
Into your spittoon.
But they were among
The best five days
That I’ve been blessed to live
In the five year winter.
I think the equinox is finally coming,
So I’ll start my vernal days humming.

Spread your wings,
Shine your light.

Live, sink, rise, fly.
Touch, feel, sing, cry.

Remember your freedom,
Remember your imperfections.
We will all rise
In our own individuality.