Your scent.
I could swear this is your scent. Why is my heart racing ?
Maybe im scared to see you again.
Scared you’ll look at me like I’m worth existing. That i won’t be able to pretend i don’t love you anymore.
Because i swore i moved on,
But you still visit me in my dreams.
I swore to myself you were gone,
Because i can’t admit that for 3 years, 156 weeks, 1095 days, and 1576800 minutes my heart still memorizes the rythme of your name.
I see you from now and then, and i could recognize the wreckage i fell for.
I see you but i can’t bring myself to accept that my absence is just another regular day to you, but your absence -
Your absence bruises me slowly, deadly.
you breathed air into my lungs when i felt as if im suffocating, and you nurtured the fire in my soul when my light went dark.
I find myself ordering your favorite coffee instead of mine.
I find you in everything beautiful, like the world carries pieces of you within it.
I find you, reflected in the softest, most breathtaking moments, and i can’t do nothing about it. So i just smile.

I surrendered to silence , let it eat me whole. But no one noticed.
I stopped smiling.
I couldn’t eat for days.
I covered my arms.
But no one noticed.
Until i stopped pouring into their cups like i used to.
“Why don’t you talk to me anymore”
“Why are you distancing yourself from us” And it hurts.
It twists the dagger they already stabbed in my chest.
To know that my mother only noticed i was gone when i refused to be her trauma bin.
To know that my father only noticed i was gone when i stopped looking at him like he was a father, like my siblings do.
He couldn’t look at my eyes anymore, because they reflect how ugly he is.
reflect how of a mess i am because he is my blood.
I’ve been vanishing in pieces slowly but no one cared enough to see,
Until it wasn’t in their favor anymore.
I wake up lonely,
i go through the day trying to distract myself from the truth.
The truth that i have no one.
No hands that tap on my shoulder when i cry. No sweet tongue that comforts me when im doubting myself.
No chest i can lie in when im scared.
Im disappearing but maybe that’s how misery is destined to end.