I see you
And it reminds me that I was not good enough
And then my brain thinks and corrects itself
It reminds me that you were not ready to love me
It reminds me that if I want to keep a positive view of you that you simply need more time
It reminds me that you would rather be alone

No matter how great you become
Or how fit
Or successful
It will never change that when you were younger
It was not enough

How many years will I spend fighting to love the body I’m in?

I don't know what to do anymore. And as this repeats in my head I can't help but remember all the times I cried that exact phrase
How many times I repeated it in my head as I watched my blood pool or as I shoved a handful of pills in my mouth or as I puked 5 gallons of water up
But I don't know what to do with these feelings with this pressure with the future im determined to have with the reoccurring visitor of mine that drags me down
And I don't know what to do with this broken little heart of mine
And this broken little brain of mine
And this broken little view that you have of your society
And this little hand that keeps jumping up to grasp mine
But I cannot tell if he wants to fly me up or pull me down
Because
I
Do
Not
Know
And neither do any of you

Sometimes I would really enjoy having a friend.
Someone to talk to
Not just someone to hang out with and have a good time with because they are so abundant
Sometimes I want a hug
Sometimes I cry and sometimes my feelings that I do have get hurt
Because I really just want a real friend

I keep wondering,
Would I survive alone?
Is there better out there?
Is our *** life normal?
Should I explore my sexuality like I wish I could?
I keep wondering,
Would I survive?
Is there a new best friend out there?
Is the one I have now no longer mine?
I keep wondering,
Would I ever leave him?

I have written so many poems
Where the darkness creeps in
And I have taken so many oaths
Written across my skin
To continue the battle

But every day becomes harder to take a step
And every breath weighs heavily upon my lungs
And the smile that crosses my face is no longer one of ease

Reflecting on the flaws that
Might as well be parasites
I realize the amount of effort it will take to demolish them
I slink down
Down to the floor
And the tears they fly
Everything from the past, present issues, and future problems already conceived
Contemplation over heating and exploding
Hitting myself with the shrapnel
Not regretting a single bit of it
Reality sinking in
Of how alone I have caused thyself to become
Of how deep I have really gotten
Once again the amount of effort is remembered
And the challenge is accepted
I choose to live that day and since, I have had to make the same decision many times
The effort being put in
The temporary "bliss" becomes an addiction
The memories floating away
Effort being forgotten
And the shrapnel returns

And so slowly I began sinking away into the abyss that they call death

And I wonder,
Late at night,
Are these tears worth it?

I want to cry
But I cannot
So I get drunk
And then the tears will flow

I look around and see smiles
A resting face
A quiet one
A calm one
All sorts of faces.
Everyone talking to each other,
With each other
Right there
But everyone is so far away.
They rate you and review you
And everyone likes you
Yet everyone is so disappointing.
The “friends” here are not that at all

I'm here
And I have everything
I have a scholarship I have a job
I have an amazing lover
I have this and that
I am thankful
And yet I still picture myself
Jumping through that window
To fall and die
I am still wanting to slice my flesh open
God I miss that release
I am still crawling down in that dark hole
I am still breathing
I am still attempting to live
I am trying to be me
I'm  trying
******* it and
I'm failing

The mass of this broken finality that has entitled me
To embrace the shards of glass
This empty vessel that has empowers how much she truly deserves nothing
This thing labeled a girl a teenager a liar
Is oh so broken.
The aftermath of my actions
Are not always as I had desired
This brain of mine does not allow me to critque my thoughts with the best of logical reasoning
As you try to repair
Something that was left behind long ago
The ashes will fill your lungs
Suffocate the innocence your intentions once held
While I watch
I will ****** you with utter satisfaction
As I weep in agony
For what you once were

You know that feeling where you are just so ******* ******* done and you can't take it anymore
Your craving the blade
Please I just need to release I need to think about something else
Your so ******* weak take the pain you pathetic soul
Where you just want to close your eyes and never wake up again
Whats enough you can't stop that tear sliding slowly down your cheek they overlap one after another
And ****
I'm so fragile it's embarassing
But I put on a smile for you all and then when I try with a real person
It is nothing
Because I don't know how to express them correctly
I'm so tired of this pain
The effort put towards happiness is there and then this occurs
And I'm so much farther down
Trying to find ways that this isn't the same exact thing as last time
But also realizing how in every way it's different
I just want to not hurt anymore
I just want to want to be here
I just want to not go to sleep thinking that I honestly don't want to be in this world
Because I'm so tired
Of me

I stare at this paper for an eternity and it swalllws me up and in all of my entirety. I am done for.
Gone.
I cannot do this. I've stared at this paper for 45 minutes and when the teacher asks how I've done
I will say, "I haven't done any of it."

And it takes me back to when I failed. To when I was left behind.

It takes me back to last year when I wasn't smart enough for chemistry.
I cry

I try

I fail over and over and in calculus I am a joke.

I can go to sectionals in track and my smile just can't reach my eyes

There is no glint and I can't bring up a facade
My friend
She asks, "why aren't you happy to be going to sectionals?
That means you're good autumn!"

And for the millionth time I cannot accept or say I am good at anything.

I am waitlisted to my dream school and I cannot accept that I still have a chance.
I win a national scholarship and I am still beaten down.
I win a community all star award and I win best lawyer and
I win another scholarship
And I'm accepted to a goodnight private school and the honors program
And I exceed the expectations of my family
And I am applauded by hundreds
And I am in the paper
And my photography is in an art gallery
And I am still
Not
Good enough.

I run and run and run and I throw and I try
And I still
am
not
good
enough.

I lose the weight and I'm still stuck looking at my meat jiggling

I am still stuck looking in this mirror that will never show someone good enough for anything in life at all.

I cannot cease returning to this warm sanctuary, cocoon of numbness.

The sound of leaves crunching beneath my boots
The snow whisking away while we ski side to side
The rain drip dropping into rivers
The sun soaking my heart in bliss

The feeling of a hug from my mom and dad
The smile I see on your face when I greet you
The joy in my sisters eyes who once wanted to end her life
The looks of a healthy and clean brother

A cup of tea
A book
A comfortable outfit on a rainy day
A dance in the kitchen
And kiss that I feel for days

A poem that moves my soul
A sound that brings tears to my eyes
A protest with tangible energy
A moment of peace with the first sip of iced coffee every morning

The sweat dripping down my face and shins and legs and body after I try
The air in my lungs
The feeling of freedom as I find my way on a new trail
The taste of love in my veins
The drive home when I feel what I use to wish for

The connection between you and me and them and they and she and he and her and his
The friends that soothe my soul
The strangers that peak my interest
Chasing the unknown
Feeling the fear creep in
Feeling the rush
Feeling the reward

The smile on my face when I know
When I know you stayed here with me
When I know you found happiness again
When I know you’re choosing to fight

And ****.
You read these poems one after another and some, most they seem to blend all together.
But ****.
You keep reading and then there's a WOW and you remember why you joined hp, in the first place.
before the hash tags,
and ****.
that poem was wow, and hey I remember the passion, the free that was once there.
and ****.
thank you.
for reminding me the passion is still in there!
cause ****.
let the passion live on my friend.
and ****.
THRIVE for ***** sake
your already there my friend

When do you stop forgiving disappointment after disappointment?
When is love not enough?
I keep wondering will I turn into a women at old age continuing to be disappointed over and over?
What if im expecting too much or being too needy?
Am I too ambitious?
Should i be with someone of equal goals?
Will i become the bread winner and resent my partner for doing nothing?
Can I depend on him?
When is it enough to leave the love and find someone you can depend on, and feel equal too?
Is the love enough to stay?
What if this version of love is the only version I have known and there is a much better one far out there?
What if this is the best it gets?
What if there is something wrong with me?
When is it enough to let my doubts consume me
When is it enough?

I keep picturing what it would look like
To wake up and do the yoga
A fresh cup of coffee.

I wonder what it is like to actually write in my journal every night and not switch to using my notes app on my phone.

I wonder what it’s like to not be working out for 4 months then take 2 months off and restart everything.

I wonder what it is like to accept my own body. I wonder what it is like to just be happy.
To wake up and not want to stay in bed.
To wake up and not feel fear inside of you.
To exist and desire to remain existing.
I wonder what it would be like if you were here still.

I keep picturing this better version, a more put together version, a version that doesn’t keep eating candy to deal with stress and depression.
I am here at this point in my life but I do not feel like it is where I should be for myself. I have been saying I need therapy since I was 12 and I have yet to get it. Maybe that is what I will do for myself.

Attempting to be patient is a thin line with being lazy and making excuses for yourself.

Memories embedding her soul
Attacking her flimsy mind, and solid walls
Imperfection plaguing her upmost desire
Truth frightening her to the inner core surrounded by demons
IT being there and here and everywhere

With no escape,
One must deal with issues inside
The conflict inside unannounced to your glare
Your judgments all wrong
Enlightenment that she was entitled to the whole time, just realized

Her walls had blocked her from truth
The hidden one is reawaken
And her suspicions come true
With no hiding it
It is here and now and there is no running away
She must fight

The conflict now brought to the skin
Rage, fear, sound
Infects her entire being
An eruption like a volcano
One that had been silent for all too long
Redemption and revenge,
They flood through her veins

She is back
Here and now
Nowhere for her to run
Facing the conflict that was once hidden
Now contemplated
Now spoken of

let the wind carry the weight upoon your shoulders away,
let the wind blow new air in that gorgous hair,
let the sun shine into your skin, let it seep so deep your skin cells dance with it,
let the grass nible at your ankles, let it support you,
let the water show you the way to freedom, let it wash away the **** upon your soul,
let the wind carry your heart,
let it lead you to love,
let it let you forgive thoose you hate,
let the wind simply be the wind.....

And in the absence of light
The darkness embedded her soul once again
Memories penetrateing her facade of happiness
The scars reflecting her desires
But always hidden among the smiles
Her capture
An invisible man daring to combat every thought, want , need
The only thing left alone
The only reflection that stayed even was
Her persistent parasite
The tilt a whirl of emotion
Numbed by the red slices
But they have ceased to exist due to promises
The tornado of feeling is
Numbed by the cold
The frost bite
Oh how sweet
Take it all away
Because this it won't leave as many scars
The invisible man he can come back when I'm thawed
For an instant in this meaningless life I will be his utter essence
As I succomb to his sweet touch
His immortal being will withdraw
As the cold infiltrates his barracks

the cozy nest i live upon is only a nest and only cozy with you in it
the serenity i feel is never a full cup of tea without you by my side
my hand is never quite okay without you in it
and my kitty is never quite satisfied without your tongue teasing it
my desire to achieve is not smothered by an essence of yours but only fueled even more
a beautiful morning is never quite as beautiful without your eyes looking too
not many things inflame my rage as much as the thought of you with another
and not to many things sooth my inner being the same way your look and touch does
and there is no other heart i would like mine sewn to forever and a decade than yours my love
xoxo

It has been almost 6 months
And I still have not written a goodbye letter
I think about you every day
I should have saved you
I should have known
How have I stared numerous suicidal people in the face, and helped them?
Why did I believe you when you lied?
Why did I not recognize the severity in your gaze?
The lack of shine?
How do you have a suicide prevention class and be certified and fail someone you love?

The sun is shining
And I see two friends taking pictures in front of a beautiful yellow leaved tree
I see a man singing and playing guitar far away
I see a traveler sitting on a bench in peace
I see friends sharing a game
And a young family walking
I hear the birds singing
And the water floating
The leaves bright red and yellow and orange

I feel bliss and connection and freedom and happiness
And peace
And the profound connection almost brings me to tears
And these are the things I stayed here for
These are the moments I live a life for