What should you call the desire for a best friend that you’ll never ever have?

In the midst of your death
I swear I saw the flicker of a smile

I want to live the lie I've been smiling at all of you

and the boy asked "What was your new years resolution?"
as the girl replies "To be happier."
"Your the happiest person I know though."
as the girl thinks  I should join drama what a great actor I am. as the words almost fall from her mouth, escape and end up dictating her near future, she ***** them back in. to never be told.. whispered to any other soul. what that boy didn't realize was how much it broke her inside to realize no one looks had enough to actually see me.
so she just replies with "ha-ha" and of course one of those famous class A smiles......

I was tired of disappointing myself so I left
And when I tried to come back
There was no room for anything else
A monster had taken my place
Taken the name
Autumn
With the same hair and muscles
The bones were the same
But the smile was different
The eyes lacked the glimmer that once was
And I resigned
To the back seat
Of this fancy day dream

I miss your laugh
The way you smiled
I miss the kissing
The melting into each other
I miss the desire the need
I miss you
And I can’t get you back
What if you were the love of my life and now you are gone?
How do you get over someone that is no longer alive?
I miss you
All the adventures we never had
All the opportunities we missed
I wish you had not left
I wish you were here with me
I wish I had told you I loved you then
I wish I had been enough for you to stay

and you see it may be my fault,
I'm so use to being hurt,
that it doesn't surprise me anymore.
I shouldn't expect you to hurt me, I shouldn't be to scared because one more fall could make me go for it
I shouldn't expect you to not insult me every couple of minutes, I shouldn't expect them to not laugh.
and now im use to it.
im use to your repeating comments, and little jabs.
im use to feeling this way, and maybe that's why im afraid.
why would one want to find happiness when every time she has, the fall wasn't worth it?
why is it that I cannot simply be standing in a hallway without people saying **** to me?
you say im annoying and that's your reason,
you say im the one you let all your anger out on
you say just because I don't like you
you say because you have a personality.
so
you for the last time you can all go **** yourselves
because hey like you said
I am nothing
so why is it I impact you?
why is it that my presence has so much ******* power over you, that you are so uncomfortable that you feel the need to insult me?
because hey I am nothing after all just like the rest of you.

I went to the garage to throw up and came out with a glass of water and a box to store my waste
I wish I had thrown up everything all that was me
But nothing came up but a wee little bit
Our adventure set off and to the shed we went only to be disappointed by the crude lawn mower
Once more the travels we set off on to the couch it is
Where he shows me a trick to alleviate my nauseous head
My legs spread for him and I cannot control the yes daddy slipping from my ***** ****** lips at the time
21 and **** with the tats he was everything I wanted and so the game began where his **** ****** my ******* tight *****
Age is just a number I'm 17 ******* it a responsible one at that with a job and friends and good grades and a future and here I am wishing I was good enough for this man
But I was
And he was cute and funny and sweet and
Gone
And this 17 year old sits waiting wondering what the **** do I do when I want but do not need and what the **** do I do when he may not want me
But baby I'm a jumper and the fall is scary but
Am I strong enough to crawl out of that hole again?
Am o stupid enough to chance it?
Will this even effect me as much as I'm playing into it?
I may not even like him when it comes down to it
But ****
I want to **** again
And I want to be loved
But these are indeed not the same thing my first time guy

you are a mistake
go cut yourself
go **** yourself
you are nothing
you are a failure
you are fat
your are revolting fat disgusting nasty
you are stupid
go away
go die in a hole
you are a mistake a mistake a mistake
they regret you
you are nothing
you are nothing at all
a failure
...
chuckles
laugh
the teacher looks away quickly
...
that one girl gives you a sheepish look
...
he continues.
they laugh.
...
you are silent.
...
he knows.
...
he is aware.
...
she is hiding, but he found her.
...
it is done.
...
they are gone.
...
the voices they stay.
...
her smile still intact
...
...
...
home.
...
no one is home.
...
...
...
the gun its downstairs, the knife that big one its in the drawer.
why not appease them?
all her medication just sitting there.
...
...
...
it is done.
they are gone.
the voices they remain.
the glances they stayed away.
...
...
...
and still she is here.
with that oh so big smile.
...
yet, why are they all looking for her body?
...

And so slowly I began sinking away into the abyss that they call death

Sometimes I wonder
How did I make it this far?

Can silence substitute for peace?

I have written so many poems
Where the darkness creeps in
And I have taken so many oaths
Written across my skin
To continue the battle

But every day becomes harder to take a step
And every breath weighs heavily upon my lungs
And the smile that crosses my face is no longer one of ease

i haven't visited this blank screen in quite a while
i would like to travel through the spaces between my words and letters and phrases and meanings
i would like to dream through the endless possibilities of creativity
i would like to succeed

I was infected and now the disease is rampaging through my body.
It has taken it's course.
I am now a carcass.
The invisible vultures, have scavenged my body.
I am now a skeleton.
just like before.
just like our society.
just
like
you.

I realized today that it's been about 6 days of summer, and I wish I was back in school already.

No matter how great you become
Or how fit
Or successful
It will never change that when you were younger
It was not enough

How many years will I spend fighting to love the body I’m in?

I took a quick puff
and of course it sent me reeling
of course I would fall
because quite the clumsy ****** I am

Sometimes I fantasize what it’s like to fade away
I think about the comfort in a Black Abyss
I imagine you’re there.
To hug me and kiss me and make love to me and be complete,
Unlike how we were here.
Unlike how we never had the chance.

I imagine slipping away and no one realizing.
No one will have to feel the pain of me gone.
I wish it could be that way.
I imagine not having to wake up and be saddled with guilt, and sadness, and anxiety, and exhaustion, and fatigue.
It’s not even bad right now and I still desire these things.
Or maybe it is bad and I just still haven’t learned myself.

I don't know what to do anymore. And as this repeats in my head I can't help but remember all the times I cried that exact phrase
How many times I repeated it in my head as I watched my blood pool or as I shoved a handful of pills in my mouth or as I puked 5 gallons of water up
But I don't know what to do with these feelings with this pressure with the future im determined to have with the reoccurring visitor of mine that drags me down
And I don't know what to do with this broken little heart of mine
And this broken little brain of mine
And this broken little view that you have of your society
And this little hand that keeps jumping up to grasp mine
But I cannot tell if he wants to fly me up or pull me down
Because
I
Do
Not
Know
And neither do any of you

the little monster was quite the talker

I know that you are gone
But I keep swiping
I keep searching
As if I will find you in someone else
As if someone else will be you?

i cannot show my poems to anyone in my life.
well poems that matter.
only to one person in my life have i shown the things that matter.
and that one person didn't leave, didn't flee, or run away,
but encouraged me.
and so i submitted a poem about peace in the peace poetry contest.
and oh so many will read, and analyze, and judge it,
and the thing is i was content with it,
yet when i showed it to those few teachers, and was praised,
the content vanished away and replaced itself with self consciousness.
how is it that the things i am most proud of,
the things i care about most,
i do not seem to want to show to those who care?
is this, myself, protecting myself from getting hurt,
or simply myself being to cowardly to let someone who i will face everyday, judge the things that show my rawest emotions?

I didn't reply so to say goodbye,
I did it because you were like a mosquito that never got enough blood you would **** the life out of me, and unlike the mosquito I loved you while you did it.
I loved you because whenever I was with you I felt whole, and good enough, and you made me feel again.
but I had to say goodbye.
I had to let myself try to get better on my own.
because I cannot let you heal me, and then leave.
because I knew from the moment my heart felt okay again, that that kind of high would result in a fall,
I wouldn't be able to get up from.
but I didn't reply so to say goodbye,
but it's not helping.
it's oh so much worse.
and they all say its for the best but, no no, what if it's for the worst?
im screaming inside,
my throat is raw,
my voice is no longer here,
it has faded out,
to nothing, like oh so many other things today,
I miss you, so much that I cannot put it into words.
They all said it was for the best, now im a better person.
but you helped,
I could feel okay at some points,
thats worth anything, right?
shouldn't other people who love you want you to be happy?
but, I suppose I agree with them. I suppose being happy at this point would cause my late nights to be more than just pills and a blade.
but, now that he is gone, now that I said goodbye, now that I cannot bring myself to say hello,
I have succumbed to the crash.
and I thought I was bad before but once,
you go somewhere inside of your own head,
where you are the one torturing yourself, and cannot stop,
once that becomes your everything,
and you find someone who made you feel, made your heart flutter,
and then you yourself are the one who gets rid of them, well this is my own fault.
I knew what would happen but somehow thinking, im the one that ended it, it would be better than him saying goodbye?
it is so much worse now.
it is getting to the point where, my smile, my laughter,
aren't covering it,
a point where I truly cannot hold up this façade.
and when people notice, when they say hey, are you okay?
my holy ****,
I drop so much farther down that ******* hole,
I am dragged, pulled to that place where I remember him, and then it is all over from there,
why of course I must escape this ****.

Baby close your eyes and don't wake up
Close those eyes and stay away I'll plug your ears and
Down in the water you shall
Lay
Baby hold my hand and squeeze
It's almost all gone the water is still filling you up
In and In and in it goes
Swirling into your lungs
Baby let go
close your eyes
Down in the depths you shall remain safe
My lord if I shall take a breath I shall sin and thus breathing is my trip to hell
I grace upon her the chance to stay pure
Down in the depths of water
Solid sound and free

I felt like writing a letter to myself
One of love and joy
A letter to remind myself of all the things I am worth
To reiterate the fabric of my being
To examine my thoughts
And to accept them for what they are
To hug myself
Inside and out
To look in the mirror and smile
To be okay with the faults in my mind
And to reach out for help to better them

Reflecting on the flaws that
Might as well be parasites
I realize the amount of effort it will take to demolish them
I slink down
Down to the floor
And the tears they fly
Everything from the past, present issues, and future problems already conceived
Contemplation over heating and exploding
Hitting myself with the shrapnel
Not regretting a single bit of it
Reality sinking in
Of how alone I have caused thyself to become
Of how deep I have really gotten
Once again the amount of effort is remembered
And the challenge is accepted
I choose to live that day and since, I have had to make the same decision many times
The effort being put in
The temporary "bliss" becomes an addiction
The memories floating away
Effort being forgotten
And the shrapnel returns

sitting in class, perfectly silent, makes my teacher ask "are you sick, autumn?"
but you see mr. teacher you would not care even if i was. My mind said only deep to the bone, but you thought my normal obnoxiousness was normal for me. Yet this quietness inside me has been wanting to break out for oh so long and now it has. why must you believe i am the wau"i" am?
why couldn't you look deeper to find the real me?
i am not silent, nor am i what you all believe me to be.
so stop assuming i will do what oyu say,
so stop believeing i will say this not that,
so stop insulting me because your insults are so ridiculous you have no idea,
your insults don't even compare to me because you don't know me,
so i beg of you to please just stop.
so i beg of you to please just keep on going as if nothing will make a differnecr when im gone.
i beg of you to stop defending me.
i beg of you to stop saying i impressed you with my being quiet when thats who i aam, i beg of you to stop being so danm ignoraant.
i beg of you to open your eyes.
for thats all i want.
open your eyes, and seee that i am me and you are you,
and that that's
what it simply
is.
so
i
beg
of
you
to
p
l
e
a
s
e
open
your
EYES

Her little birdie fell
And did not fly
She was not caught
And broke her wing
Withering
A
W
A
Y
Thinking she flew, she passes into the bitter sweet end

And sometimes you just fall into the corner and cry.
And sometimes you feel like you can do it all.
Like you can do anything.
And the next week you sit in that corner and ball your eyes out.
And you want nothing more than to die.
And that familiar feeling invades your soul again.
And what is the ******* point if it always returns?

if you left,
to the icy cold waters,
or to the air, to just lay there limp,
or to the numbness,
or to the sinking away emotions, that will never return,
to the edge of the knife,
to the tip of the gun,
i would miss you.
i would care.
i would feel as if i missed out on an amazing chance to meet someone who i wish knew that did i care.
i would run after you.
i would run for you.
i would live for you.
i would try for you.
i would write for you.
i would.
i would.
i would.
please
my
mysterious stranger,
give me the honor to read your work,
give me the chance to learn,
to crack open your brain,
give me the chance to help.
let me try to understand
let me care
let the world see you
because
your amazing,
and something to be proud of.
because you inspire me.
because of you,
i opened my eyes.

Glancing up to hear the flicker of her smile
It ***** slowly to the ground
A voice oh she sees it so loud!
Whispers whisper whispers
Your beautiful **** delicious I like you I want you I need you please
Shouts shouts shouts
Look down close your blinders
Close your disablement that we all share yet ironically ****** ourselves upon
Choke
Don't breathe
Glance up and a smack is waiting
Throwing you across the room
Never showing any sign of weakness
We fall to the floor and she's still standing head held high
Bowing her head shredding inside
The whispers make it through
Teasing her
As she shouts at herself
Becoming what all the voices tricked her of blanketed in her sanity created by the mirror and society
As she whispers to him

The doors are locked
My shutters closed
Beneath the ground I lay
Hiding away
From the terror and calamity
This defense is quite flawed
Here I lay in the field
As the wind blows above and grass itches at my sides
My eyes are open
My mind is quiet as I ignore the recollection of what I mean
Of who I am
Of why I am this way
And
I ignore it all
Breath they whispered
And so I did.

Repeatedly I think
If only I believed in a God
I would be much happier
But I cannot accustom myself to this treachery
No matter the pain I feel
Half believing is not an act I could participate in

Everyone says to check up on your friends
To check up on the ones that seem okay
And you do
You check up on everyone
You check up on everyone except for the person that you didn’t reach in time

I think I’d prefer to remain by myself
To not begin a new friendship
The pain far outweighs the good
And disappointed I become again and again
When you fail to actually be a good friend

I am all alone.
In a world that I do not know.
I am all alone.
Without a friend or foe.
I am all alone.
Without a mate or love.

She hadn't realized until moments ago that others her age, do not think the same way.
That her peers she saw day to day, were so much more different.
She was an oddity.
and when she was told she had a good soul, she couldn't fathom the thought.
Because the little monster had dominated.
and her soul, was no where to be found.

is privacy a right or a privalege?
is it something to anticipate, is it something you expect your fellow people to respect?
is it something you thought your government respected?
is privacy something you are willing to rid yourself of?
is privacy something you feel should be handed to you, not earned?
or is privacy, in your eyes, something that a 'civilized society" deserves?
is it something you deserve no matter what your charecter?
shouldyou be able to have it, without people thinking your keeping secerets?
but what happens once you abuse your privacy?
can you earn it back or will it always be something all to far away?
if you abuse your privacy, do you change your views upon whether it should be handed to you or whether it should be earned?
do you trust yourself with privacy?
do you trust anyone with privacy but, what if, in privacy is when the real you shines?
then is privacy all you are made of and without it you would be nothign at all but a human carcous inwhich talks?
at which all you are becomes you within privacy, your views will change or will they not?
privacy is a right, but it is a right abused and overlooked more than it being used appropriately. like most things in this here country.

“Don’t forget to be kind to yourself!”

I keep trying to come here to write how I feel
But I am at a loss of words
I begin
And delete
And I attempt and fail

I don't understand how to deal with these emotions.

i slip down this slippery ***** with her, and look her in the eyes just after our bodies slam into the gravel at the bottom of that steep *****.
and i slam her face against the ground, over and over and over again.
until it is just broken skull fragments, and mush for a brain,
and i stumble back,
realizing the damage i just did,
so i run.
and fall.
and crumble.
to laughter.
hysterical laughter.
she is gone.
but, she had already been gone, her carcass is now ruined.
what a good job i have done.
now she cannot return.
yet,
when i awake
she is still
there
looking back
at me
in that mirror
that seems to always mock me.

Sometimes I would really enjoy having a friend.
Someone to talk to
Not just someone to hang out with and have a good time with because they are so abundant
Sometimes I want a hug
Sometimes I cry and sometimes my feelings that I do have get hurt
Because I really just want a real friend

I'm here
And I have everything
I have a scholarship I have a job
I have an amazing lover
I have this and that
I am thankful
And yet I still picture myself
Jumping through that window
To fall and die
I am still wanting to slice my flesh open
God I miss that release
I am still crawling down in that dark hole
I am still breathing
I am still attempting to live
I am trying to be me
I'm  trying
******* it and
I'm failing

With another I was always unsure of if he was the one or not,
Always questioning and never sure,
And I fell in love with another so easily.
And I lost him.
I could not save him.
And I have had my tears, time, and peace.
And now I have found love again.
One that is so full and healthy and abundant that I am sure;
I am so sure.
His presence brings me peace,
and part of me whispers concern,
of so many what ifs,
and part of me worries,
that I will want to run and adventure,
but I think I am realizing that what I am more afraid of
is if I marry,
and have a family,
and live the dream,
and loose it,
or break it,
or become sad again,
or disappoint them.
Instead of being unsure of the man, I am afraid of something I cannot even name.

want leads to greed
want leads to obesity
want leads to death
want leads to determination
want leads to the fake meaning of need
want leads to people being naieve
if there was no want in the world wouldn't it be so much better?
But we can'thave a happy go luck world where everyone's content within what they have can we?
But if there was no want in the world there would be no drive to keep us going,
there would be no people out there who don't just want but truly need to see the world change, to make the world change,
there would be no people out there who will start the evolution,
there would be no people who want to honestly simply HELP,
even if theese people are rare,
even with theese people being scarce,
even with theese people still growing up,
even with theese people wasteing away of old age,
they are still out there.
because thoose people are the one's from every background, who have expierenced it all, who want to expierence it all simply so they can use it to be better to become what the world needs, thrives for, can't keep spinning without.
we the people have the power to change to revolutionize to be different
we the people can shut thoose voices out,
we the people will be better than thoose who can't comprehend, than thoose too weak at the moment,
we the people will help thoose at the bottom screaming for help,
we the people will help thoose in the middle, thoose at the very top, thoose down in the ground that are screaming for our helpping hands,
because we the people simply can,
because we the people have to change the world,
because we the people have to try not for music, not for your parents, not for your future childeren, not for your religion, not because people think it's the right thing to do, But simply because we CAN do what we want simply because we have the POWER to make changes, so my friends take this chance as this world spins to stop it yank it out of the governements fragile, cowardly hands,
and ****** it in the air
Simply because we
CAN

What if I get tired of letting him break little pieces of me?