I sit here
Chewing holes in my mouth
Worrying
That someday soon
I'll be begging for the
Mercy
I never gave to myself

***** me out
as if i am no more
than a coal
that you're afraid will
restart the fire
you loved the flames
but now that
it is all subsiding
better to stomp
me into the ground
drown me in
water i can't breathe in

I am similar to a cigarette
There was a point in time
Where I was new
Fresh and desired
Removed from the pack
And exposed to life
The flame
Resembling life's troubles
And exhales of triumphs
Resulting in smoke
But slowly
Flick by flick
Breath by breath
I fell apart
I am no longer
What I once was
Merely ash
Resting amongst
All of the bits
That used to be me

I let you
Consume my mind
Influence my habits
Control who I am
Only to wake up
From another binge
And realize
You. Aren't. Here.

The wakeful hours
Spent wishing
It was time for me
To go and visit
The parallel reality
Where today's bruises
Are of no effect
And tomorrow's concerns
Hold no domain
So I spend my
Wakeful hours
Yearning for a place
That I find
With a soft pillow
Decent blanket
And a mind at ease

Baby please don't lie
To yourself or anybody
You could never rely
On me and I let you down
Just to leave you looking up
At the infinite and the stars
When the tears start cascading
And the love is evaporating
As your heart pumps and bleeds
You'll forget your wants
And probably your needs
You'd do best to forget me
Leave no room for bitterness
And I won't regret our memory
This story was a setting sun
I knew it wouldn't last and
I'm just sorry I wasn't the one

What has my brain done to itself,
In the name of protection?

I still get pulled out of my body,
A mere spectator of my corpse,
For it isn't a living body,
When I don't possess it.

I still struggle to remember,
So much of my own childhood,
An abyss of alleged memories,
That I cannot substantiate.

I still claim myself as parts and pieces,
To point fingers and divide feelings,
To always further deny myself,
Ever being whole.

I still say it isn't all my fault,
Previous events caused this,
Caused my brain to decide,
I can't always be me,
I can't remember what is me,
And I can't become me.

I looked at myself
And truly took myself apart
I found that I love
To get into mischief
I like making mistakes
One really shouldn't
I love to have **** ups
So I don't feel like
Such a big one.

i used to
complain and whine
about how poorly
life was going
how the world
had been so unkind
it is now clear to me
i cannot be the victim
while trying to be the victor

You are my
Everything
And that may
Seem bold
But what's really bold
Is how you stormed
Into my life
Even though
You were always there
Eagerly waiting
And now
I can't and don't
Want to leave your
Embrace

Starting over
Is a lot like
Getting on plane
To go somewhere new
You have to rid of
Everything heavy
The baggage that
Has brought you down
You have to remember the person
In the old photo
Of your passport
You need to learn to accept
That what you know is gone
And you can drag yourself
Into visiting the past
Only to find that
Nobody else will be there waiting

When I die,
I don't want anybody,
to speak at my funeral.
I don't want anybody to tell lies,
just for the sake,
of my posthumous appearance.

the floor keeps creaking
letting the sadness escape
and i love to keep seeking
for the boards to fix it

the windows got left open
letting the world crash through
and i love to keep hopin'
that the boards will hold

the roof is starting to fall
letting the pressure creep in
and i love to stare at it all
realizing the boards aren't enough

please know that
i would die
if there was
a universe
that had a place
for me
so why am i
pretending i belong
in this reality
where i am not
even enough
for me

When will you learn
That for every time
You do this to me
I'll be right there
To catch you
Hold up your spine
Breathe life back
Into your empty lungs
And emptier heart
When will I learn
That for every time
You do this to me
I do it to myself

Been so **** miserable
For so **** long
Saying I don't need anyone
And I don't need help
For the record
I don't choose Misery
I am Her favorite company

I don't want a pedestal
I want patience
I don't want soft words
I want understanding
I don't want a failure
As much as I didn't want the first one