The three poems I have made private here are all about you.

It seems like everything about my opinion of you is some kind of private matter.

Honestly...

I still care about you.
I think you're amazing.

Maybe I still love you.
But not in the same way I used to.

I'm sorry I'm not worth all that much nowadays.

I just wanted you to know that I'm going into therapy soon.

Getting help.

After all.

You said I needed to "sort myself out".
Okay.

I've been through a lot of things that shouldn't have happened to good people like us.

Or maybe I was never that good person.

Who am I kidding?

You're not reading this.

Last time you did, things went wrong and now all those poems are private.

So.

I can't even muster up any courage to say "hi" in any situation.

So I won't.

Makes things easier.

Okay.

Sorry I didn't try harder.
Sorry I wasn't there.
Sorry I called you late at night.
Sorry I still remember the circus.
Sorry I still want to send you gifts for your birthday and Christmas.


I...

Sorry I didn't say anything the right way or even at the right time.

Anyways... talk later?

Or never I guess.

You'll be busy.

And I have a therapy session to go to.

Sometimes absence is required to feel a person's presence more intensely.

If we ever stop talking...write me a letter once in a while or send me a song.

I often long for death
But it never arrives
It looks at me from far
It mocks me from a distance
I sometimes wonder...how did it get to this point?
How did life become so unbearable?
Who is to blame?
Me or the stars?
Was i too laidback....or was i expecting too much?
Did i not give life a fair chance
Or was it the opposite?
I'm not sure if i'll ever fully know the answer or even understand it
And now i don't even want to
So i'll just wait for my time
Maybe it is yet to come
Or maybe it is lurking around the corner
Whenever it comes...it will be quite an experience...
....looking it in the eye..
...perhaps with a bit of curiosity..
...so this what it looks like
...this what it feels like..
...the heart stopping...the organs shutting down..like i'm in a state of trance
My entire life flashing before my eyes
Wished i had used it well...
...and fear... 'coz i'm pretty sure i'm doomed for hell (unless of course a miracle occurs.)

Deep beneath the depths of me,
Are buried wounds you cannot see.
I wish for others to feel my pain,
For in my mind there is a stain.

A stain that remains inside my head,
That makes me wish that I was dead.
'Tis a fight only I can wage,
Against the chaos and the rage.

So much darkness and decay,
That I can barely keep at bay.
I often long for some relief,
A helping hand to hold my grief.

I carry hope within my heart,
That my mind won't tear apart.
My pain is crushing inside of me,
With this illness you cannot see.

You didn't give me
a chance to say goodbye
before you went away

I waited for minutes
and hours and days
But when you left
you were gone to stay

Leaving me alone
in the world We made

The place
were We lived
was abandoned
of all that was
precious and dear

Nothing there
was left living
I barely survived
in despair

If only I'd more
than a moment
for those words
I never could say

The words
I never could utter
The saddest words
that could ever be said

I never had a chance
to say goodbye
before you went
and we're gone

Leaving me there
in the world We made
by myself and alone

Take care my Darling
Via con Dios my Love.

-R.

2.18.17

-LA

-4MAR