Many things can **** you here
From a spider to a snake
Every step is walked in fear
And could be the last you take

You can even die from heat stroke
or it could be from thirst
It’s happened to many a bloke
And you wouldn’t be the first

So while you're sipping on your beer
the truth i must confess
that the most likely reason you’ll die here
will be from loneliness

This guy here
will have a beer
His senorita
a margarita
The guy with the hot car
will have a *****
his boyfriend Barry
a ****** Mary
My mum I'd say
a chardonnay
Meanwhile my dad
will have a red
While my flower
a whiskey sour

and finally me
I'll have a tea
as I've been sober
since October
I can't start now
I made a vow
but maybe
.....maybe just this time
I'll have a ***** lemon lime
I have developed quite a thirst
and today is November first

Why do I feel that everyone
is getting too frustrated
From doctors, teachers, even a nun
all feeling agitated

and everybody's speeding, swearing
filled with so much hate
No one's smiling, no one's caring
with all things running late

Is it just me who feels this way
or can you also tell ?
That something isn't quite OK
and our world is unwell

I showed my poems to a frog
he looked and just said ribbit
I showed my poems to my dog
but he then tried to eat it

I showed my poems to a bat
into a dark cave it went missing
I showed my poems to my cat
but then he started hissing

I showed my poems to my brother
he said he's gonna dob
and then I showed one to my father
he said please son get a job

My dogs biggest problem is about food
and waiting to be fed
and making sure in the neighborhood
every cat is dead

Always making the postman run        
and at all strangers growl
Then when the day is finally done
at the blue moon howl

I wish these problems were all mine
A dogs life sounds amazing
instead of opening my third bottle of wine
and on a second pizza grazing

sad poems make me cry
that's why i compose
silly poems that won't try
make you blow your nose

and no tears will be shed
though you might need tissues
laughing while you wet your bed
from weak bladder issues

which is why i always write
and funny poems share
no one wants to cry all night
just change of underwear

population growth is slowing
were almost at our peak
the latest data trends are showing
our ***** becoming weak

or are we up to our necks
engaged in other forms of action
where the purpose of having ***
is no longer reproduction

maybe everyone's too busy
and too tired we've become
or maybe it's become far too easy
just to go to ****.com

Noses are red and lips are blue
living in Reykjavik
the nights are black and days are too
the winter's very bleak

and they're long while summers short
i never see the sun
living by a frozen fjord
is never that much fun

my world is always wearing whites
everywhere i go
and i keep seeing northern lights
through my curtains glow

one day hopefully will come by
and life's stops being so cruel
when Reykjavik is blown sky high
by Eyjafjallajokull

There is a road to happiness
but it's an arduous trip
you must first pass through loneliness
and face dip after dip

Then cross the long flat plains of sadness
and rivers full of tears
Through cities oozing crazy madness
grinding all your gears

but then the trip comes to an end
and finally there'll be smiles
you'll shout out as you on the mountain stand
"this trip's been worth the miles"

money doesn't grow on trees
you have to be much wiser
or we could all get rich with ease
using more fertiliser

money doesn't fall from the sky
that would be a goof
to get rich you'd simply try
construct a bigger roof

money makes the world go round
how it comes to you may vary
but you'll need it till you're in the ground
and after for the ferry

i'll find you like a treasure
where the rainbow ends
and dig you out with pleasure
with my hungry hands

i'll find you like the first star
of a summers night
and play for you with my guitar
so you become bright

i'll find you neath the mistletoe
and kiss you there perhaps
i'll find you anywhere you go
hon, i've got all the maps

Sometimes I'll write a poem here
and think it's my best ever
but then the very next day, oh dear
it's in the trash forever

one by one we will fall
like trees inside a forest
the great one's and the small
the richest and the poorest

from the ugly to the pretty
and the healthy to the lame
from the bony to the meaty
our destiny's the same

there is no need to measure
the circumference of your trunk
life's riches are a treasure
only found with roots you've sunk

crying is for babies
and for the dear departed
or unlucky ladies
that are broken hearted

or it's for my gran
when she lost her Bella
crying we all easily can
unless you're a fella

but there's one exception
when men like babies bawl
when in their method of contraception
they notice there's a hole

John was a famous **** star
though his acting wasn't great
his claim to fame was his monster
it's where his success had most weight

if his lines were complicated
he could have won an Oscar maybe
instead of while being fellated
he would only muster - oh baby

but then John became too sick
and the films came to a stop
today every movie with his ****
is a spectacular massive flop

Go and seize the day
grab it with both hands
don't worry what the others say
or if it offends

Don't be bashful or be shy
trust your heart and nose
reach out and then touch the sky
on your tippytoes

and then let yourself be fooled
that your life is complete
before the rug is swiftly pulled
from beneath your feet

it's been brought to my attention
you work ethic's down
at our most recent convention
you came dressed as a clown

at the conference hall
you heckled the guest speaker
and then you bared it all
running like a streaker

some people found it gutting
at the meet and greet
when you started cutting
toe nails on your feet

and at the black tie dinner
you unzipped your pants
then with a hot dog wiener
you used it to shake hands

so though i'm dissapointed
there will be no suspension
once more the host you've been appointed
for the next AA convention

Maybe my life is a test
for whatever happens next
and when I'm finally laid to rest
I will get a text

"Congratulations you have passed
the toughest test of all
with all the knowledge you amassed
while being strong and tall

but now it's time to move on
and be a better human
Congratulations you have won
the chance to be a woman"

All you have to do is walk
you don't have to diet
you don't even have to talk
it's time that you should try it

Take it slowly step by step
then get into a flow
maybe do a second lap
and even further go

Then start jogging for some fun
a kilometre, two or more
and won't be long before you'll run
Forty Two point One Nine Four

do not teach me brand new tricks
of age i just turned one
i wont go and fetch your sticks
you can for them run

don't get me to shake your hands
because i have a paw
go and find some human friends
and let me on bones gnaw

and you want me to play dead ?
what's this game you're playing
and then beg ? that's rather sad
to hear the things you're saying

do not teach me a thing or two
it will end in disaster
and i'll *** inside your shoe
then you'll see who is master

Think outside the box
don't be such a square
be as brave as Goldilocks
and tackle every bear

Take your Gretel and escape
deep into the woods
put on Superman's red cape
or Red Riding Hood's

So fly away, sail or ride
to find your holy grail
while your pen has ink inside
go write your fairytale

Autumn is my favourite season
but it's not about the leaves
i have a very different reason
an autumn pleasure gives

it's not about the morning greys
or evening lit log fires
it's not about it's amber days
that my heart most desires

there's something closer to my heart
a secret i must spill
in autumn i finally get to start
roasting chestnuts in my grill

The humans that are worst
live at both ends of the spectrum.
In truth they're so immersed
that they speak out of their ******.

Spreading their diarrhea
with every word they say.
Igniting lies from their fat rear
with their toxic spray

and ideas so demented
needing a second flush.
They are the reason we've invented
the disposable toilet brush.

It all began with weight gain
followed by hair loss
Then shoulder, neck and back pain
making me all night toss

Then sore and bleeding gums
and needing reading glasses
arthritis in my thumbs
while emitting deadly gases

While lately I've been thinking
there is no need to panic
but could it be my ship is sinking
faster than the Titanic

i want a simple life for me
one less complicated
where my issues they might be
staying well hydrated

where my biggest problem is
what to eat for dinner
or if its worthy of a miss
so that i stay slimmer

and my difficulties are
what clothes should i wear
or if i have gone too far
colouring my hair

maybe my life's better suited
to be a simple tree
my only problem being rooted
when dogs on me ***

I can sneeze in Cantonese
then to Mandarin switch
Even all the non-Chinese
can tell which is which

I can also sneeze quite well
in Polish and in Russian
But since communism fell
they're both out of fashion

But my favourite all time sneeze
has got to be French
It makes the strongest ever breeze
that my wife fell off the bench

I love dancing in Bahamas
and in New Orleans
I love dancing in pyjamas
and in your ripped jeans

I love dancing when in Delhi
and when in Hong Kong
I love dancing when I'm smelly
and when i really pong

I love dancing in Kathmandu
and Ole in Spain
I love dancing when skies are blue
and much more in the rain

I love dancing in Greece in Crete
and then when in Rome
I love dancing on the street
and when i am at home

I love dancing when leaving Dover
and on the ferry going to France
so before this song is over
let's make Paris our last dance

it's a good day when there is no mail
and the phone has died
it's a good day when there's rain and hail
and it's nice and warm inside

it's a good day when i'm home alone
and it's on the tv too
it's a good day when i'm on my own
and i'm laughing till i'm blue

it's a good day when the couch is mine
and the table pizza on it
it's a good day when there's loads of wine
and a bucket case i *****

it's a good day when i don't need pants
and i am dancing in the ****
it's a good day when i'll have the chance
and maybe one day feel this good

I am a normal guy
With a normal life
Some pants, a shirt, a belt, a tie
an almost normal wife

I have a normal job
With a normal wage
I drink, i smoke, i laugh, i sob
I am of normal age

But in a normal week
Normally Friday night
I look, i search, i find, i seek
dragons to a fight

And with my mighty sword
I am a dragon slayer
There's no one else on the board
as good a D&D player

Then home I'm normally back
Usually half past ten
I drink, i smoke, i hit the sack
I'm normal once again

Home is where the
... salted caramel chocolate **** is

Seeing old chaps exercising
gives me lots of hope
that as my years keep rising
not to ditch my skipping rope

and also have my dumbbells handy
by the liquor cabinet
so my hands can hold more than a brandy
and a cigarette

definitely I'll keep my running shoes
as a memory when i was thin
and to run to get a bit more *****
or from wife's rolling pin

i'm half the man i used to be
and now weigh twice as much
my outside world is on tv
with my remote i touch

the other hand tends to grab
and shove food in my face
my solid plans have turned to flab
and have seen better days

more of this world and not my belly
one day perhaps I’ll see some
tonight it's pizza, me and the telly
is still my favourite *******

Do you believe in destiny
that it’s not all a fluke
we’re living out a fantasy
from someone’s great big book

where everything has been scripted
written line by line
all that we have here gifted
ours, yours and mine

on paper with his pencils sharpened
the future he could see
but whatever it is that happened
you and I were meant to be

I'm a hopeless old romantic
who just wants to be with you
I'd cross the Pacific, the Atlantic
and then reach Timbuktu

I'd walk to the ends of this rock
and climb Mt Everest
I'd adjust the Big Ben's clock
and make it our love nest

I'd steal Neil Armstrong's boots
then make my giant leap
It's what happens when cupid shoots
you in the heart so deep

alarms have been raised
of a disturbance great
a fly has its feet placed
on Julias dinner plate

it landed fair and square
on her sirloin steak
and then without a care
on Helens chocolate cake

then it took a trip
onto Stevens crotch
followed by a sip
from his glass of scotch

and then from angry Andy
through its ***** snout
it took a liking to his brandy
until his angry shout

though loudest came from Jill
who screamed out every note
then suddenly all came to a still
it flew inside her throat

I used to Zinc back then
you were my Oxygen
a shoulder I could cry on
and as strong as Iron
but as the years passed
your love began to rust
and when I got the flick
I Zinc you were my Arsenic

Love starts in a blink

then ends with words we ink

The advantages of smoking cigarettes
at first might not be clear
but once visibility better gets
their benefits appear

It's a great method to befriend
others around you puffing
you learn to drive with just one hand
and you cough instead of laughing

You get a quick five minute break
each hour on the dot
sometimes a double you can take
when the boss is in a knot

It's enough time to make a joke
or tell your whole life's story
any place is great to have a smoke
except an airplanes lavatory

Take me to a happy place
where sadness is a sin
take me where my gloom-filled face
has to have a grin

where tears are against the law
and cryings not allowed
where you cannot drop your jaw
but use it to laugh loud

Take me from this awful hell
and close all the doors after
then throw me in a jail cell
where punishment is laughter

Ellen didn't have a cat
but she had twenty one
she lived in a small tiny flat
that never saw the sun

Inside her carpets were once clean
but now were kitty litter
all stained ***** brown and green
where air was tasting bitter

Her neighbours could also something smell
so they went to investigate
and found twenty one cats alive and well
as they Ellen slowly ate

i was looking for an inspiration
about what to write
searching for a perfect combination
of words all day and night

i was hoping for a revelation
a burst of sunshine and of spring
waiting for a sudden palpitation
to make my heart again sing

and i was almost out of time
when you softly whispered hi
and once more each word and every rhyme
became the stars, the moon and sky

it might be a beauty spot
or a melanoma
one day a runny nose you got
the next you're in a coma

ordering that last beer please    
could lead to cirrhosis
or some very rare disease
with a poor prognosis

so if you are fit as a fiddle
don't waste time being pensive
do it all, don't your thumbs twiddle
before you're in intensive

the law of averages is pretty clear
I'll live to 78
drinking 79,000 cans of beer
and 20 kilo's overweight

consuming 60,000 cans of cokes
with 14,000 burgers, shakes and fries
smoking about half a million smokes
with half a million coughs, surprise !

and i will have 1.6 wife's
with 9.66 cats
joining the 99% of married lives
where 99% stay in debts

which leaves me with just one percent
so i think it's pretty clear
that no one wants a 79th birthday spent
without drinking beer

In the jungle the mighty jungle
there is a polar bear
there must have been a mighty bungle
how did it end up there ?

In the ocean the deep blue ocean
there swims a kangaroo
among the fishes there's commotion
did it escape from the zoo ?

In my garden my luscious garden
there is a black rhino
before you say i beg your pardon
how it happened i think i know

and why the lion the mighty lion
tonight is wide awake
in cargo hold flying Hawaiian
from yet another Fedex mistake

If i was a dog
all would be my friend
while everyone I'd snog
and eat from every hand

My tail would be like a fan
waving left to right
every woman, every man
i would love with delight

Except of course for cats
they think they are so smart
a bunch of dumb aristocrats
I'd love to tear apart

Medical trauma is life changing
look at Jimmy Hendrix
He only started his guitar twanging
after his burst appendix

Similarly too **** Jagger
who was one of the unknowns
and only picked up all his swagger
after removal of his stones

and Madonna's inspiration
came from a top notch surgeon
after her new ***** implantation
she sang Like a ******

This year I will need Santa
to bring us more than Fanta
and i don't mean world peace
our wars will never cease
and i don't mean more presents
they are for kids and peasants
but this year Santa Claus
must think hard and then pause
and moments before swooping in
spread love and joy with his vaccine

The best things in life are Brie
there is nothing better
although a few might disagree
and say that it is Feta

While others say there is no match
for Swiss is a best seller
Some think that is bit of a stretch
and swear it's Mozzarella

But maybe there is no winner
and every cheese is great
especially when you've had no dinner
and there's cheese on your plate

in my previous life i was
a great big wandering albatross

which is why i love to fly
staring at the big blue sky

that's why i sometimes stare for ages
at my atlas and it's pages

and when there's ocean on the map
that's when my both wings start to flap

so when my next life comes around
you'll know exactly where i'm found

What makes a poem good
is it the rhyming style ?
is it based on your mood
or if it makes you smile ?

Is it about the storytelling
and use of metaphors
must it have the right spelling
a few might say of corse

A few might say that it's free flow
poems should have no rules
some poems will give out a glow
and others shine like jewels

But maybe every poem can
be good and have a light
and that's why every night my pen
just wants to write and write