It's an odd feeling to be the only woman at a party without a baby. All of the mothers gather into a circle, guarded by their strollers and diaper bags. It's like being on the outside of the popular girls in highschool. You can dream and wish to be a part of their little club but it doesn't happen. You can look but can't touch.
“Oh hey, I have to run to the restroom. Would you mind holding the baby? He wants to see you.” My heart drops at the condescending tone in her voice but I take the baby anyway, playing pretend for the five minutes the little one is in my arms. That I can glimpse into my future just for a second. Until the baby’s mother comes back and takes him away from me. My arms drop to my sides, the weight of the baby gone from my arms. It doesn't feel any less lighter though. It feels ten times heavier.
It’s always, “When are you going to have a little one?” “Oh it's all great until it actually happens, then you’ll never sleep, have ***, or have a clean house ever again.” “Enjoy this time now because it's fleeting.”
I want to respond in screams, in frustrated grunts like an animal. I want to cry and yell. I want to break a table and plead to God on my knees. I want to take one of their babies in my arms and just pretend. Just imagine that I'm holding my baby, Not someone else's. I want to not feel this ache in my chest. I don’t want to look at a pregnancy test and feel my heart drop through the floor. Holding it up to the light to see a second line. There never is. I want to scream at the sky until my voice is hoarse.
But I sit and smile. “Oh we’ll start trying soon.” “Oh I'm sure it's not that bad, I guess having children isn't all it's cracked up to be.” “We are trying to savor the time when we can do what we want and sleep in.” Sit, smile, take it, don't be rude. Empathize, laugh, agree. All of the ******* things you're supposed to do. Not what I really want.
All of the things that have been said to me:
“Just the babysitter.”
“Always the babysitter, never the mother.”
“You’d make a wonderful mom.”
“You look like a natural.”
“Thanks for watching the baby.”
“Just a nanny.”
“Always a nanny never a mom huh?”
“Babysitter.”
“Aunty.”
“Can you babysit?”
“You'll understand when you become a mom.”
“When are you going to have kids of your own?”
“You’ll have a lot of practice.”
“One day it'll be you.”
“You’re like the mom who never gets to go home with her baby.”
“It’s so ironic that you have the most experience with children but you don’t have any of your own.”
“You’re the mom who doesn’t get to go home with your baby.”
“Are you sure you’re, you know, doing it right?”
“It’s not you, he just wants his mommy huh?”
“We don't need you anymore.”
“Don't come back.”
When will it be my turn?
I never thought I’d be the girl who would have to go through this.

Almost two years ago my grandmother died of breast cancer. She was the strongest woman I knew, she was beautiful, smart, steadfast, faithful, generous, funny, she was light. When she died a part of me died too.

A little over a year ago I had my first miscarriage. I saw a positive pregnancy test on March 17, 2024. I was so excited. Three days later the tests came back negative and I started bleeding. I was distraught.

Then five months later I had a second miscarriage. August 29, 2024 I had a positive pregnancy test, same thing as last time. I lost it a week later.

Losing my grandmother, losing my babies took some of the light out of me. I’m still looking for the light but it’s coming back. One single drop at a time. Sometimes I feel hopeless. Other times I feel grateful, excited and motivated to get started on something new. But I have this dread in the back of my mind. Nothing good lasts forever. And if I get too excited about something it’s going to slip away. “It was nice while it lasted” I tell myself. every. Time.
What man meant for evil God has meant for good. Joseph spent 7 years in a prison cell betrayed by his brothers. He didn’t lose faith. Jesus was beaten so badly he was unrecognizable. He died the worst death anyone could go through. What man meant for evil, God meant for good. And Jesus Christ rose from the dead, and now we are all saved through him.
The Lord is telling me to be patient, steadfast, and faithful. “Wait while I do a good work in you.”
I’m waiting God… I’m here, waiting.

I feel worthless
No one truly cares
I have a God who I’m almost convinced hates me.
He will never save me from this pit.
I feel like I have no purpose.
Like I just float around existing.
But not living.
I feel hopeless
And I feel like it’s all my fault.
I don’t even know what the truth is anymore.
Because every time I start believing it
It changes.
And what’s the point then?
If everything you thought was true
Just isn’t anymore?

Whenever you watch Star Wars I hope you think of me.
How we stayed up all night binge watching the whole series.
Whenever you ride a roller coaster I hope you think of me.
When you dragged me into my first one and was proud when I wanted to go again.
Whenever you look in the mirror and look at your eyes I hope you think of me.
I hope you remember the way I looked at you when you came back.
And the look in my eyes when you decided to leave again.
I hope you never forget the the way my voice shook after you said goodbye.
I hope you can somehow feel the way my heart broke when you didn’t come back.

If I spoke to you again would I have the courage to tell you the truth?

Would I be able to yell at you like you deserve and actually hear me? Would you apologize for everything you did and didn't do?

Or would you have a stubborn heart and refuse to see my side of things?

I hope that one day we can meet again and I can call you out on everything truth you made a lie and every promise you broke and maybe.

Just maybe I can stop writing about you and write about something that matters.

She feels sad and broken.
To her, hopelessness is now just an emotion.
She looks at her Bible and sees nothing worth reading.
She doubts and feels like she cannot pray.
“Where did you go?” She calls out to the God that was always supposed to be there.
“I’m lonely, I don't feel you anymore. How do I know you are even there?”
She whispers underneath her sleepy breath as she doses off to sleep, pleading to feel something by morning.