State of my mind; I can barely breathe,
I want to control my chest but I sleep,
Shouldn't love amount to more than just words we speak?
Trying to connect, show the world I'm not weak.
Bad surprises lurk on a somber ledge,
Most find revenge in a simple sharp edge,
The majority of mankind is actually dead,
Living headaches feasting on misinformation they're fed,
I aim to stop this deceit, coax it to an end,
Intelligence is a worthy value to defend.
I can't trust my own feelings I've found,
I know I am foolish, but I sound profound,
I am completely hardened, I need help now,
Want to take off all armor, but I don't know how.
Never been with somebody who actually stayed,
Even the best left me feeling betrayed,
I tried but I was stabbed in the back where I laid,
I wish my life were a card I could give away or trade.

HOOK:
Life is a game I always lose,
Wrong decisions I can't help but choose,
All I want to do is improve,
And go forward but I can't seem to move.

9:30 PM I texted my friends,
With the same question, I know how this ends,
"Want to chill?" Say no or pretend
To have plans and no time to spend,
I decided to shut off my phone,
At least then it's my choice to be alone,
I heal with **** the only way I know,
I tripped and fell, as usual I'm on my own.
I attempt to stand up, need a helping hand,
But no one is there, this isn't what I planned,
I'm unworthy where I fell, so why would I stand?
Where did I go wrong? I need to understand.
Flames dance around me, life is a living hell,
Eyes blink but don't see, it's easy to tell,
The whole ******* world is under a spell,
You happily buy the ******* they sell.

(HOOK)

If life is a race I'm finishing last,
The future is near but I'm stuck in the past.

Life is life
Winding streets
Laughter
Love
Moving feet

Take every step
With cautious care
Eventually
You will get somewhere

Upon this shore my unsure feet stand
Slowly sinking into soft sand
Seashells shine as they catch sunlight
And drifted wood is washed all but white

Seagulls swoop from skies and soar
Birds and prey at a natural war
The sunrise glow fades
Air grows hot
In warm display beach is caught

Illuminates the sea below
From surface to undertow
A gentle ocean breeze waltzes by
As if the water breathes with a sigh

Enhancing sunbeams that darken my skin
Tranquility I am soaking in
This morning view so peaceful and bright
Where all is well within my sight

How many summer days remaining to waste?
When snow arrives I'll miss the taste
Of saltwater bitter on my tongue
The cool sensation filling my lungs

Upon this shore I memorize
The horizon distant from my eyes
The light outside fights the darkness within
And my cares float out as the tide rolls in

This must be destiny

I hear echoes of warnings from my former self ricocheting in my head

This must be deserved for the plethora of ways I have hurt people

To mark me with pain I will remember and maybe be a better person

This must be fate
There was no other way out

I still hope things will improve but I think this suffering was intended and therefore my punishment must be served

You make me wish I was as hollow as a feather

Believe I could ride wind directly to your palms even in a blizzard with enough will and small enough density

I would fold limbs over one another to form the shape of a paper airplane
A postage stamp on my face for good measure
And leap off porch railing to be carried away by spontaneous currents

Soulmates do whatever it takes to draw near one another
There is no obstacle larger than love

If you love someone you suffer in silence

Want someone you care for to live free of the pain that is harming you

Close in walls to keep them safe from your fires

Life is then never given the chance to twist them the way it twisted you

Let that person stay out of danger's way
They are better off lightyears away

Dear lover, best friend,
This *** I know is special
Like the first time felt

I am sick of your degrading
Constant constricting critique
You take criticism way too far
Tired of the negative words you speak

So stand there in your self-righteous glow
Throw ugly insults in a slur
The burning words you know I despise
That I am a little too much like her..

I don't deserve you
The way you are able to
Love me like I do

Like a wave,
You crash over me,
Open my eyes with,
The calm of the sea.

Like a book,
Your pages read clear,
Sentences true,
Chapters sincere.

Like a wagon,
You carry the weight,
Of love, hold it up,
As your wheels rotate.

Like a compass,
I use you to guide,
My direction
I let you decide.

And hear silent cries for help
Not a single word I've spoken
Look past perfect mask of joy
I am totally broken

Under smile pasted on my face
A thousand tears stifled by lies
Soul is drowning in the oceans
I refuse to leak out my eyes

I do not know if heaven exists or not
At this point impossible to tell
The one thing I know for certain
I am already living in hell

You told me you have to leave
For twelve weeks sometime in July
You knew I would be sad
You weren't expecting me to cry

I  could try to keep my greif unshown
I do not think it can be done
Because having you far away
Is like living without sun

I fear darkness will suddenly take me
I know I cannot make you understand
Hear the desperation in my voice
Take my shaking hand

I am already in this desperate state
I might as well admit
I am too weak for you to go
If you do I'll lose half my wit

I am sure my lack of sense
Is keeping you from being completely free
I know teases are well-meaning
But it feels like you are attacking me

I am hit with every careless word
You are winning, but who's keeping score?
I guess when you are gone I won't have to
Keep track of our games anymore

Wish each day would never end
But repeat in the morning anew
Or transform hours into months
So I could enjoy more time with you

I am locked deep in a part of me
Buried because I'm too scared to be myself
I shut the darkened world away
Staying perched upon my shelf

I want to discover who I am
But I'm simply terrified I'll fall
I grasp onto everything I have
So tight nothing is left at all

I search my body for the exit sign
I must find a light to guide my way
The rope I have been hanging on
Finally is beginning to fray

Swinging softly side to side
I wait for the final tug
Then I plunge, spiraling headfirst
Into my soul, the hole I have dug

I would love to climb out of here
There's no ladder around that I see
I'll stay patient in this place
Until the day my pain sets me free

I spend my hours lonely
Staring at a phone that doesn't ring
Lying to myself
Pretending not to feel the sting
Around my room in laps I pace
Because it is hard to stay standing still
Restless and anxious
I can't concentrate
Distress is too strong to ****
A tiny part of me is relieved
To see you haven't changed at all
It makes it easier to stand nt ground
When back to you I want to crawl
You must be a magician
Putting me under a spell
With one wave of your wand enchanted
Conjuring heaven
We're really in hell
You keep my adoration in your pocket
Instead of in your heart
It's obvious I am the only half affected
When our lives are forced apart
It feels as though I inhabit a cage
Only when you disappear
Your absence holds me captive
Then am freed when you get near
Dancing on a narrow line
Seperating sense and satiety
If I succumb to my shameful desires
That means forfeiting my sanity
Trapped behind bars inside my brain
Cannot escape my expectations
Disappointment is inevitable
Yet I still surrender to sweet temptation
Shades of blue inside and out
Mixed with the occasional grey or black
All other colors vanished with my trust
I'm pretty sure they're not coming back
Cloaked in heavy misery
Weighs down my overwhelmed soul
You don't even have the decency
To return all the time that you stole
You placed stars directly in my eyes
Just so you could watch them burn out
Ignorance was comfortable
Til you showed me what I now live without
Silence chokes with an icy grip
Solitude freezes spirit right through my skin
No matter how many games you play with my emotions
I still participate although it's impossible to win

There are pieces of
you scattered all over this
lonely map I walk

I think I'll still pretend,
That I didn't know,
But I saw the way you looked at me,
When you watched me go.
I can say I'm done with tears,
That I no longer cry,
But I'll admit it still hurts,
To look you in the eye.

Why must I feel the way I feel?
Want to wake up but this nightmare is real
Too many mazes clouding my brain
Swirling in circles driving insane  
Poor judgement leading emotions down hazardous roads
Lugging regrets like oversized loads
I worry
Stress over nothing at all
Convince feet I'm destined to fall
Tripping over thoughts I create
Actual obstacles don't get in the way
Self-sabotaging before having a chance to fail
Sink the boat BEFORE setting sail
It is better to know you're a loser than be unaware
Best get used to being alone because others won't be there

I lose last battle
Your attention awarded
To somebody else

On this losing streak
Has to turn around
Strive so hard but cannot escape
Failure to which I am bound

Until starting positive changes
Disappointment will remain on your face
Day after day promise to improve
Clear to see that's not the case

Gone are effortless exchanges
Excited words once eagerly shared
Sitting on sheets together
For a relationship was unprepared

In blink of an eye you lifted my world
A little closer towards the sun
Leaving each trace of regret beneath my feet
No idea what we had begun

All the moments spent since
I've discovered in your company
Collected and shown on display inside
Like antique coins or paintings in an art gallery

Done proclaiming pathetic excuses
Instead of trying my best
You deserve someone who would die in order
To protect treasure buried in your chest

The pieces of our friendship,
Are breaking away, shard by shard,
My heart feels lost, I had no idea,
Losing you would be so hard.

The layers of our endless love,
Like paint they start to peel,
It hurts because I hadn't a clue,
How losing you would really feel.

I hope that youve somehow noticed,
That youre still my number one,
and now I know exactly,
How it feels to come undone.

No worries, no concerns, no fears,
Is what my mask should show,
Although losing you is killing me,
I don't want you to know.

Smile, laugh, get through the day,
Not a single tear I'll cry,
Just close my eyes, drift off to sleep,
Dont think about the word goodbye.

But whispers fill my head at night,
Disguised as memories,
Light and airy, floating still,
Will they ever cease?

Theres a hollow ache inside somewhere,
A hole thats been made anew,
This empty piece thats missing?
Thats where there once was you.

But little by little i understand,
I'm finally starting to see,
That in the process of losing you,
I'm actually finding me.

I did not know I could fall apart
Until the instant I felt your touch
All I wanted was to have you
I guess that was too much
 
In the midst of attention
I should have realized
All of your good intentions
Were bad ones in disguise
 
I was blinded by your words
Way too easily deceived
I should have stayed away
Instead I trusted you and I believed
 
You did not think about your lies
Until they were shredded apart
I saw who you really were
Not before you broke my heart
 
Now it is too late to turn around
Could never be the same
Think you still know who I am?!?
Have no right to make that claim
 
I used to be full of life
Carefree
No defenses to disarm
Fear has taught me not to love
It will always bring me harm
 
You have changed the way I think about
What I know
What I feel
Showed me that despite what they say
Sometimes wounds never heal
 
I still want you in my life
Although I do not know why
Since the day you entered
You have only made me cry
 
You pushed me around each day
I gave you total control
Let you manipulate my feelings
Without you I wasn't whole
 
I sacrificed own happiness
Though it drove me insane
Managed to convince myself
You were worth the pain
 
Time passed away since then
I don't know what to do
How could I forgive and forget
After hell you put me through?
 
I am lost in my own emotions
Drowning in a deep empty sea
It is not you I miss tonight
It's who you pretended to be

Unexpectedly, my ship started to sink,
Sea pushing from all sides,
I didn't care until it was too late,
Was always moving with the tides.

Wish I was a good swimmer,
Not herded around by the moon,
A mess, drowning in my muddy flaws,
Fear I'll be at the bottom of the ocean soon.

My family threw a lifevest,
No longer have strength to hold on,
Will I completely lose myself at sea?
Where has happiness gone?