I am trying to write happy poems
To smile once more
Dull ache in my stomach
Trying to ignore

Try and try to be stronger
My chin up high
Living in the present
Let it pass me by

Trying to focus on the good
Instead dwelling on the bad
Start making new memories
Missing old ones had

Try not to complain much
To stifle tears
Embrace what is in front of me
These are my best years

I am so sick of wasting my life
Chasing goals impossible to attain
Stop throwing my health and money away
Learned down a bottomless drain

I have been alive for two dozen rotations
Around the boiling sun
I die a little bit every day
Decomposing each one

From the very start
Always been my best friend
I promise that you'll always be
Up to the very end

I will never be too busy to talk
You need an ear to listen
Wipe tears from your face
Your wet cheeks glisten

You will always be my number one
My top priority
You're more than just my lover
The other half of me

You can be rightfully aggravating
When I have had a ****** day
As fast as my bad mood sets in
Make it go away

We have had amazing times together
Much laughter through the years
We've seen our share of heartache
Our relationship still here

Meeting was a miracle
Know I am truly blessed
Have found my perfect soul mate
In midst of life's madness

You keep moving forward
Towards our goals
Understand progress means
Wearing down and pushing our soles

When an avalanche of remorse
Buries me regretfully alive
Rescue me from suffocation
Dig a hole
I can survive

You do much more than I deserve
Why? I will never know
A lifetime of pure happiness
To you I will forever owe

You miss me wholly in my absence
100%
Selfishness and all
Take the stuff I hate about myself
Make those qualities seen small

You may not be the same again
Hate to see you suffer all night
Have made life hard sometimes
Believe me I need your light

I never asked you to give your love to me
Hold my weary hand
Listen to petty problems
Take time to understand

I never demanded your affection
Adoration and loyalty
Any of the compliments
Often murmured with sincerity

I never begged you to care for me
Invest energy and time
Undivided attention and eagerness to please
Give anything to ensure I was fine

I never wanted you to worry
Concerned texts, messages, and calls
Consideration for me when deciding
Yet you still made me your downfall

I never expected devotion
Be showered with thoughtful gifts
Spoiled with small acts of love
You chose the task of providing lifts

I never told you to fix my ****-ups
Put my emotional needs before your own
You were the one longing for company
I would have been fine all alone

I never forced your forgiveness
Accept flaws or compromise
Why did you keep giving 100%
After I hid secrets, fed you lies?

I never requested your love or life
Did not mean for you to fall
Did not steal your heart on purpose
I never asked for any of this at all

Don't you know what damage you do to me?
Obvious if you just look
Chaos easy to see
Can read me like a book

Love in the way I move
Embedding every cell
Impossible to decrease or remove
I am under some sort of spell

Dancing around corner housing truth
Afraid of what is lying in wait
Doesn't take an expert sleuth
To figure what signs indicate

With the time and effort I give
Hoping for resolution
Thought we would find a better way to live
Resulted in destitution

Don't you know you are the reason why
I tolerate array of abuse
Cheat on me
Manipulate
Lie
Yet somehow remain my constant muse

Potential picks up pieces
Each time illusions shatter
Infatuation never ceases
When promises scatter

And all that matters
The end of the day
Is overwhelming adoration I feel
Is worth the hefty price I pay
Experiencing something real

It is sad how I never cross your mind
In mine you never stop
Harbor peace I cannot find
Places wish we could swap

If love no longer hangs on heart
Inform so I can start to accept
Our bodies must be apart
Owe me at least that respect

Is it difficult to share
Thoughts inhabiting your brain?
Done my best to make you aware
Of both happiness and pain

Head spinning due to disappointment
Your silence says it all
Attempts to evoke enjoyment
Lead straight to a brick wall

Whisper prophecies in ear
How many moments til we're done?
Don not hide what I would rather not hear
Nowhere else to run

You do not dare to break the careful facade
Worked so hard to protect
In denial of behaviors flawed
Too badly to halt or correct

Somewhere along path we travel
Feet strayed from the planned route
We are forced to watch our dreams unravel
Trapped without a way out

Afraid problems are too high to rise above
Inevitable is here so quit trying to pretend
Don't you know there is nothing that can save our love?
Even the strongest relationship comes to an end

Someone deeply in love with once said
I quote
"You like being sad"

Give that thought
Doesn't make sense
Oxymoron at best

Eventually he will realize sometimes sadness sits inside of you and it burns like a flame no amount of laughter or love can extinguish

Inferior lives
You and I know it is true
Outcasts together

I'm watching my life go up in flames
Coughing lungfuls of smoke
Can't see around the glow from the blaze
Try to breathe but choke

I'm careful not to get too close
Keep a safe enough distance away
Helpless as I watch my home
Descend into a state of disarray

I try to escape the inferno
But the doorway is blocked by fire
I have no choice but to burn along with it
A victim to consequences of my selfish desires

Aches and pains restricted because they're self-inflicted
Sorry for behaving ways that you predicted
Laziness not just sitting still
Don't believe it's wrong that most days I don't do much but chill
Demands left expectations only define explanation
Arm me with explosives then act surprised at detonation
Deodorize your selfishness
Only meet my toes
Keeping track of exact amount each past mistake owes
Cuts leave scars
Words change who we are
It seems like lately you're always too far
Differences make time
Paint ourselves
Keep storing trust on too high of shelves
Heard the message the little birdie didn't say
Glance at your face unravels silence in the way
Knocking at door but you refuse to let me in
Upon a thin line tug back and forth but neither of us can win
My patience at moments is shorter than my bitten fingernails
Over-correcting when trying to even out the scales
The gateway to happiness is one I am eager to explore
Without you next to me what would I even open it for?
Any pursuit seems to be a colossal waste
Facing dead ends
Hasty pointless chase
Day after day repeat the same routine
Bouncing up and down on this infinite trampoline

Promise you will inform me if your feelings ever change

I sit in the dark in solitude
How did I get here?
Know how to get out
Paralyzed by fear

Bleed good intentions
I'm running out of red
See all my weakness
Instability in my head

So pretty appear to be
I perfectly play the part
I'll feel how I look one day
Til then inhale myself apart

Five long years I gave you
I will never gain back
Waiting for a careless driver
To get his life on track

Your plan did not include slowing down
You swore you would stop but you lied
As soon as I buckled my seatbelt
You swerved, I was then stuck for the ride

The road was bumpy, we flew too fast
I was scared the brakes would go out
Careening and navigating blind corners
Lack of concern filled me with doubt.

Each broken traffic law
Proof of your foolish bravery
I begged you to switch down a gear
Hand over the ignition key

Full of pride, you refused to change seats
Convinced me I was safer riding shotgun
Promised this lengthy joy ride was over
That your old wicked ways were done

Should have never gotten into your car
I see now you are addicted to the speed
You always choose the dangerous road
What you want not what you need

I eventually grabbed the steering wheel
We collided; a frightening flash
Now we are injured survivors
Trying to heal wounds left by this crash

I am not sure which words to say
Many thoughts crowding my head
And pride plus fear get in the way
I stay silent instead

In no hurry to lay heart bare
Each time I've done it before
Sentences hung suspended in air
You smacked them down to the floor

You don't have the strength or sensitivity
To face truth and come to grips
This time what I'm longing to set free
Remains barricaded behind closed lips

Exhausted from rapid obsessing
All I feel is aggressive doubt
To darkest hidden corners
My mind, heart, it flows throughout.

Deepest wounds make a home
Between buried thoughts in brain
Bleeding steady streams of uncertainty
I show nobody my pain.

Stomach knotted tight with effort
I wait for someone to notice
Difference in how I speak
I am in the background, something's amiss.

I am shouting "help!" with a silent mouth
In this world colors do not belong
Wondering why I overthink each  action
And why feelings persistently steer me wrong.

Get attatched very easily
To  the coldest, wicked, damaging touch
Let guys I fell for destroy soft parts
Denied truth because I loved so much

Pretty sure there is something wrong with me
A mutation somewhere in DNA
It's like no matter how great life is going
Somehow everything still appears grey.

Transparent, see right through my skin
Walking through crowds alone
Dreaming of better days
Harboring thoughts I own.

Long to travel far from here
Can't sleep with all this stress
My mind my biggest enemy
Memory I can't evict or put to rest.

Mistakes coursing through blood
Screaming to get on the right track
Frightened I am not capable of succeeding
Failures precariously balanced in a stack.

Images as clear as the instant they occurred
Until eyes distort edges, greatly exaggerate
Have to write to distract accelerating thoughts
Words and stanzas my reliable escape.

Always there whenever, wherever I am at
My brain a dangerous nest
Sometimes the ideas I overanalyze
Become tangled and knotted then manifest.

Wishing to be a better person
My value I cannot comprehend
Instead focus solely on flaws
Insecurity never seems to end.

I am kept awake until dawn arrives
Close to clawing out these open eyes
Near to dreams
Far from sleep
Further from the relief I seek

Every night feel taunted
The empty walls of my room
Space beside me sneers silently
Sunrise is coming soon

Sprawled in an asymmetric shape
Restlessly flipping pillows
In bed screaming
Into fistfuls of blankets
Drowning in sheets that billow

"You lost him!"
Written everywhere
Each and every item you touched
It's agonizing how I'm forced to see reminders
As if I did not already miss you too much

You are poking at my sore spots
Causing them to redden and swell
Leaving bruises upon ego
Due to show-and-tell

Tear at my facade
Standing there in victory
Watching as I fall down
Laughing while I scramble frantically

I'm screaming at you to stop
In an angry fog
Still love you even full of rage
When you won't say you're wrong

Arms sternly crossed, grow furrowed
Somehow caused me to react
Trapped within the spotlight
Wanting to exit your "concerned" act

Maybe I am just bitter because
You pretend like you care
But really take pleasure in
Exposing secrets stripped bare

It kills my pride to be embarrassed
Here you are mocking
Use my pain for satisfaction
False statements I try blocking

Your voice relentlessly cutting through
Dripping mean drops of bitter defeat
Eyes filled to the brim with resentment
The reason I flee on my feet

Although you are talking out of your ***
I know you don't intend any harm
You just love spreading propaganda
Masking wickedness with charm

Some opinions best left unspoken
Truth lies in your voice
You don't care enough to sort it out
Collect bits of conversation, share It, rejoice

Am I too sensitive, moody, and soft?
Experience should have made me strong
Losses only thinned armor
Eroded by countless decisions wrong

Caught in an infinite power struggle
You fight logic with exaggeration
I've surrendered, white flag waved
A soldier of your own creation

Go stir the *** again
That taunting tone I hate
I love you mom, tell me why
You have to instigate

Spanking and biting
Tying me to the bedframe
You make pain pleasure

What if I told you to stay away?
What if I hurt you?
What would you say?
Truth is I feel frozen inside
Like something essential wilted and died
It's funny because all the love I should be giving you
Is being wasted on the person who broke me in two
Only body and time is what you receive
When heart's been shattered can't wear it on your sleeve
Now when love tries to wiggle underneath my skin
I block it before it has the chance to begin
Or else I will surely pay the price like before
But I am bankrupt
I can't take anymore
My goodness has been stolen by someone else and for that I apologize
Trust issues run all the way to the bone
Though you have told no lies
I thought maybe meeting someone new would somehow relight the missing spark
You do everything right yet for reasons unknown my soul remains hollow and dark
I end most blessings bestowed on my life because I don't deserve relief
Caused problems myself so why should anyone else save me from my grief
Afraid to hear I am needed because I won't live up to expectations
Held captive in chains by ever present limitations
Work hard to accept myself with each one of my flaws
But self-hatred is a toothy beast that bites my self-esteem and gnaws
I used to believe I was beautiful when offered up the compliment
Can't help but wonder where that easy confidence went
I am incapable of self love because I am too broken
Inside the strength it requires will never be awoken
Much less courage it would take to love someone besides myself
I don't bother even reaching because it's stored on too high of a shelf
Sorry but the key to my heart is a treasure you will not find
The best I can do it to let you have a peek within my mind
I could tell you what you want to hear but I would rather simply be real
Let you know from the start I don't have any emotion left to feel
I never really got used to the sensation of being alone
Independence not a familiar quality because I **** when I'm on my own
I wish my favorite moments were memories made with you
Instead of with a person who no longer feels the same way too
It hits when I rise in the morning the hardest and realize again that he is not there
It's not that you are not enough for me
Nobody could ever compare
Was just never able to see clearly though I can tell right from wrong
If he is the devil then in hell I must belong
It hurts to watch you try your best knowing I can't share it back in return
Your admiration is a privilege given though I have done nothing to earn
And dream for a night of a universe free from past regret
There are times I would forfeit all my possessions just to temporarily forget
And break you is the last thing I want to do
But this can only end with one of us black and blue
The aching is inevitable
It's only a matter of time
Force of impact directly proportionate to the distance that we climb
I mean it when I say that I like you very much
Enjoying every second our skin gets to touch
There isn't much sensitivity left here in me
I've shut down my nervous system in order to be free
When all my needs have been neglected and ignored for far too long
Forgot what respect looks like
You treat me right and it seems wrong
Since birth dysfunction is the only home I've ever had
Different ******* up situations
But it never seemed that bad
So now that I am finally faced with something new
I doubt it assuming it has to be too good to be true
Sometimes I don't know what is wrong with me
Can't control which direction I feel
Like I am not the one behind the seat with hands on the steering wheel
I want more than anything to fall in love and see my eyes sparkle once more
But my heart is held hostage against my will by the guy I was with before
Maybe it's hard to let down my guard because I don't want it to end the same way
I am wise enough to know by now that  everyone eventually leaves one day
Whether it is by their choice or intervention from fate
Every happily ever after has an expiration date
Combine that with pre-existing insecurities and a truckload full of baggage
And you get an emotionally depleted wreck
Unable to recover from sustained damage
Been months now and wounds haven't yet began to close
I worry they never will
That the hole he left inside of me is a crater no one can fill
Is this emptiness all I'm destined for?
A ghost haunting memories?
Each minute suspended in solitude passes like centuries
Knowing I can't reciprocate everything you willingly provide
Is subconsciously tearing me to bits inside
I won't make you any promises I am unable to keep
Maybe we should call it quits before we get in too deep

I wonder what you're doing
Dwelling does not change how I feel
It becomes extremely hard controlling
Painful thoughts that won't let me heal

Time is supposed to mend wounds
I fear it's making them worse
My overwhelming desire for you
Has become the sweetest curse

I wish for a pleasanter plague to punish
Then we wouldn't be connected
Been watching in silent observation
To see if I end up rejected

Tonight
You are lying in bed
Happy
Be free of dark thoughts
Do not be pulled by negative energy
Memory you all but forgot

Why do I coldly imagine what's on your mind?
Sit and find no conclusion
What you don't know is your image invades my brain
Cannot tell if I love or hate the intrusion

Either I am untruthful or you are insane
Dishonest is something I'm not
Morals to you are invisible
During battles hard-fought
You remain blind to true character
After many months have gone by
Won't give the benefit of doubt
Yet don't have a good reason why
I'm feeling undervalued
Even more than that overlooked
You are impossible reasoning with
Against all sense I remain hooked
I believe you should bestow better treatment
Than accusations
Condescending words
Always finding justification
The way you view world is absurd
You'll start argument over something made-up
Afterwards realize you were wrong
Attempting to understand the thoughts in your head
Have trouble following along
It's like you expect to have your mind read
Before emitting one sound
I need you to spell-out the answers
We chase each other round and round
How can person who leaves me breathless
Be the same who causes me to suffocate?
Smothering in expectations
Buried under hefty weight
Your touch warms darkness of my sky
Also occasionally burns my skin
Since the day you entered life
Actions have made head spin
One minute everything is fine
Suddenly eyes turn cold
Picturing past simplicity
No pressure to fit a mold
I recall taste of potential
Back at the start
Saw orchards sprouting in the distance
Hope a priceless work-of-art
In harbour of security I wade
Waves gradually drag body down
Very same waters keeping me safe
Belong to sea in which I drown
You know exact places to poke
Press button turning me bright red
An expert contortionist
Twisting and rearranging sentences said
I wish I could plan visit
To inside of your brain
Take peek at the sacred sanctuary
To which access never will be gained
The longer we carry on in this manner
A suspended state of fear
More claustrophobic I become
Zero room to wiggle out of here
I mourn passing of your trust
Ponder if ever actually alive
Or if earlier before we met
Had stored in your archive
I suppose in both our natures
Are tall walls built to defend
Just manifested differently
History of trauma refusing to mend
And now threaten to end us?
If you do will be your loss
How dare you treat like garbage
A broken toy to toss
I desperately yearn to run
So you catch me in your embrace
What if you stare as I vanish
Like smoke without trace?
When ordering me to be quiet
Stings sharper than a bee
If uninterested in contents of my skull
Explain why bother staying with me
I look to the heavens for a shooting star
Outer space is empty tonight
I hold onto you through the blackness
Not letting go until we see morning light