I spent too many nights waiting,
For you to finally be,
The person that I needed,
But you were never there for me.

I wasted countless hours,
Laying awake in the dark,
Savouring the words you spoke,
Holding onto every spark.

I wanted every moment,
To stay perfect in my mind,
And they did until the day,
You decided to leave me behind.

I picked up the pieces of my heart,
And with thread woven with blame,
I stitched it back together;
Since then it has not been the same.

Now it's covered in cracks and scars,
And I place the fault on you,
Occasionally it falls apart,
That's just what broken hearts do.

I wish I could freeze moments shared in the past
The courageous minute time sealed certain fate
The little girl I was, stubborn, stupid, and immature
Wanted too badly to be your forever mate.

My young heart; pure and poetic
Easily misled by alcoholic lips
Remember our first real conversation? I melted
I long to have those same sweet stomach flips.

I watch you now, older body and face
Laugh at how blind I was to your flaws
While clouds darken the past even more
You breathe in the same hurt you cause.

Cannot see beyond the suffering
I watch you try to rekindle the fire
You dance among burning embers
Absence dismissed, I begin to tire.

A soundtrack to our summers
Birdsong always seemed to fill loyal air
Now cheerful melody seems mocking
Inhaling their tunes with barely a care.

Out the window, I recognize clear roads
Recollect ancient paths, sigh and reflect
The breeze is the temperature it was then
Can't withstand the ice memories collect.

Heart trips over unclaimed baggage
I cannot see how big yoursuitcase really seems
You're dying, at least part of your life is
You are fine with losing all our dreams.

In your gaze rest a few hints of regret
Out of time, still let it finally show
Bedroom reminds me of the worst pieces of us
Feel like the walls contain secrets only we know.

Sitting on my floor, staring at a small mirror
An assaulting intruder is what I see looking back
An unwelcome guest forced her way in
My view alights an invisible attack.

The fangs you sunk beneath my skin
Always had me ensnared
You were worse than a drug, loved your high
No matter what family said I never cared.

Sight muddy from substances, I was stumbling
Didn't think I could be ready to say goodbye
Back in those days I owned no worry or concerns
Now I am chased by echoes of a beautiful lie.

Did I fall for you, or your friendly illusions?
Looking backwards, its hard to seperate
Which chapters were real and which were fake
Regardless, they will not cease to resonate.

I spend my hours lonely
Staring at a phone that doesn't ring
Lying to myself
Pretending not to feel the sting
Around my room in laps I pace
Because it is hard to stay standing still
Restless and anxious
I can't concentrate
Distress is too strong to ****
A tiny part of me is relieved
To see you haven't changed at all
It makes it easier to stand nt ground
When back to you I want to crawl
You must be a magician
Putting me under a spell
With one wave of your wand enchanted
Conjuring heaven
We're really in hell
You keep my adoration in your pocket
Instead of in your heart
It's obvious I am the only half affected
When our lives are forced apart
It feels as though I inhabit a cage
Only when you disappear
Your absence holds me captive
Then am freed when you get near
Dancing on a narrow line
Seperating sense and satiety
If I succumb to my shameful desires
That means forfeiting my sanity
Trapped behind bars inside my brain
Cannot escape my expectations
Disappointment is inevitable
Yet I still surrender to sweet temptation
Shades of blue inside and out
Mixed with the occasional grey or black
All other colors vanished with my trust
I'm pretty sure they're not coming back
Cloaked in heavy misery
Weighs down my overwhelmed soul
You don't even have the decency
To return all the time that you stole
You placed stars directly in my eyes
Just so you could watch them burn out
Ignorance was comfortable
Til you showed me what I now live without
Silence chokes with an icy grip
Solitude freezes spirit right through my skin
No matter how many games you play with my emotions
I still participate although it's impossible to win

Sometimes I enjoy life more
When my view is hindered by tears
The edges of images blur
Like mascara, how the world smears.

I like it better out of focus;
My vision, my goals, my dreams
When it's blurry it's easier to pretend
The pain in my heart isn't as bad as it seems.

I am sorry you met me and fell in love
If there was a way in time to go back
I would keep our paths from crossing
Spin my life on some other track

I would block our lines; save us
Before we got the chance to intersect
Tangle and destroy ourselves
I'd stop them so we could avoid being wrecked

If only we could unsee eachothers faces
Erase memory from your lips and my eye
We could have avoided this pain
The difficult task of saying goodbye

All I want to do is delete wrongdoings
Undo wicked disloyal deeds
Find a way to wipe out forces connecting us
Before your name became one of my biggest needs

I am holding the damaged remains of what's left
Shattered memories and pieces of our trust
Trying to put our romance back together
Instead I stare as it crumbles to dust

Revealing twisted thoughts that emerge in my head at night
Needlessly pouring my heart to you
The cold chaotic chess game that lingers
I wonder if you feel disturbed sometimes too

I wish I had told you that you were my best friend
Come to realize that fact now
After your life met it's end
Nothing said or done could ever bring you back
I still beg unseen forces to reverse your passing and unfade surroundings from black
Your death hit like a bullet straight through my chest
Here on out I'll continue bleeding every sentiment left unexpressed
I can't help feeling bitter towards the world turning round and round
For taking my heaven-sent angel and burying her in the cold ground
I wake each heavy morning and barely face the sun
Swept up in a hurricane but I seem to be the only one
Driving down an unpaved road no signs saying yield
Rain is crashing so hard I can hardly see through the windshield
And know if you were here you'd be encouraging me to keep fighting
I ****** myself bit by bit
Demise I'm expediting
I'm stranded on remote island surrounded by ocean of my fears
Beach shrinking as tide rolls in
Helplessly watch as all land disappears
It is not fair you deserted me in a barren expanse of loneliness
Wilting I long for the familiar warmth of your caress
Now aching hours are blistered by regret and rage
Heating shaky hands as I spill my story onto this page
Ready to give up what is there to continue breathing for?
Nothing lasts forever and I admit I simply don't want to anguish anymore
It's like I'm held underwater by a dozen unbreakable strings
Lay in bed when night falls tormented by sound of your laughter as it rings
How is it possible to be dead as my pulse simultaneously races
Feet exhausted from sprinting in circles over the same four bases
I once was aware of my worth
Moved with purpose and care
Presently time warps wasting away as I navigate this nightmare
Drinking nostalgia like alcohol
Enjoying shot after shot
Intoxicated with reminiscence
Drowning in love I have no longer got
I caught cranium on fire in attempt to warm up insides
Pursuing this glow your presence no longer supplies
Beneath sheets I roll until my limbs become a tangled mess
Dreams only location where I am briefly unshackled from distress
Speak to you sleeping then expect you to remain
Once eyes open you are left behind in another domain
Then experience you parting to the point like it was new
For one second I forget that there is no more you
And everything comes tumbling around me in a blink
Dire circumstances are slowly nudging me towards the brink
Trying to gain some distance between me and the edge of this cliff
Spent enough energy wrestling with two words
"What if?"
To taste that state of carefree bliss bathed in as a child
Unharnessed love shadowed me before innocence was defiled
Wrapped in an insatiable yearning for arms laid to ashes
No bandages or stitches are able to close up emotional gashes
I should have savored sweetness of your affection while I could
Every last bit of maternal nurturance is gone for good

I take a deep breath and open my eyes,
It looks like morning has come again,
I roll over and peek at the clock,
"Perfect timing," I think, it's not quite ten.

Not too early, not too late,
I take a shower and get dressed,
Then I load a bowl and get ready,
For the part of my day that I like best.

I sit on my bed and sip my tea,
I grab my pipe and take a big hit,
It feels so good i don't even care,
That it makes me cough a little bit.

Now it's time for another ****,
I take a breath and inhale once more,
My lungs fill with smoke. ****, this one is
Even better than the one before.

The THC runs through my body,
I'm finally starting to feel high,
My **** is slowly disappearing,
I'm out of tea and my throat is dry.

The haze in the air is dank and sweet,
I can taste crystals on my lower lip,
Life feels good and wonderful today,
So I smile and take one more rip.

You're one in a million, one of a kind,
The one thing that never leaves my mind,
I spent my whole life trying to find,
Someone like you; gentle and kind.
Now that I have I know there's no way,
I could leave you, no words can convey,
How special you are, what I'm trying to say,
Is no matter what happens I'm gonna stay.
No chaos could ever pull me away,
You are more than my man, you're my soulmate.
Your arms are now my permanent home,
I know I will never again feel alone,
Your heart is only mine to own,
I won't ever give you a reason to roam,
It's clear to me these feelings have grown,
The bond we share is solid like stone,
When you call I will always pick up the phone.
I wish I had an explanation for the way
I feel. I don't, but I'll try anyway.

HOOK:
When I wake up you are the first thought on my mind,
Your face the last image I see before night leaves me blind,
You keep my worries low, and my hopes high,
You are my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

I love having you around, it's true,
I wish I spent every second with you,
I hate that I am not able to,
Give you the support I know is past due,
Or finish all the things you need me to do,
But you give me motivation to improve,
And one day soon I'm certain I will be
The version of myself you see inside me,
That's when our lives will finally
Become what we envisioned; simple and easy.
Then we'll get married, pick a place and settle down,
Build a house, start a family, in a sleepy little town.
Let's grow old together, just us two,
I found my happily ever after in you.

HOOK

I know there will be troubles, we'll fight,
But when it's darkest I'll be your light,
The future is coming, clear and in sight,
Give me your hand, let me hold it tight,
Understand that although this moment right
now might not be happy and bright,
There is much more in store, i am quite
Sure of this, we'll prevail despite
Obstacles, let's keep eachother upright,
Until the day our dreams take flight,
And take us both to greater heights,
Our destiny is a book, pages blank and white,
A story only we are able to write,
Instead of a novel doomed to recite,
Perpetual fates. As long as we unite
We can take on the haters with their spite,
I'm excited, I strike a match and ignite,
The fuse leading to your hearts dynamite,
Hoping an explosion of love is what I incite,
Or at least a spark of mutual delight.

I promise one day everything will be alright,
Tomorrow isnt promised but at least we have tonight.

I spent most my life fitting in
Shapeshifter in my own skin
To squeeze to whatever size
Matched the proportion of everyones lies

I listen to point of view
Eyelids opened so wide
I never see until too late
Thoughts moseying through your mind
I hear your message with ears
Try practicing what you preach
So I witness joy cover your face
Gentle ways you cannot seem to teach
When fingers lace together
Forget our friction for awhile
Avoiding conflict best as I can
Still fail to make you smile
Refuse to learn from mistakes
Present is clouded by dread
Human histories breed hesitation
Future is dangling from a thread
Tired of being the erroneous one
Doomed to displease from the start
Afraid of ruining intimacy
How easily I fall apart
When you're less than perfect
Stop treating you like the enemy
The truth is I don't deserve you
Swear I'll change and become a better me

I want to be with you

Not if that means being lied to

I am sorry for the words I say
When feeling down and blue
I only shout that I hate your guts
When I see you hate mine too
I am sorry for taking for granted
The little things done each day
Making food to cheer me up
Asking twice if I am okay
I am sorry for hurting your feelings
With selfish careless actions
I do not realize how harmful I can be
Until I witness your pained reactions
I am sorry for making you worry
Not listening to your advice
Blaming your flawed genetics
For the reason I'm colder than ice
You deserve a much better daughter
Who takes time to care
Someone not only always honest
But who also wants you to share

Hopefully
We live to see
The day I once again make you proud
I strive to grow
And be what you always hoped
Somehow

Until
That day arrives I will
Keep giving you what I can
You will be there every
Step of the way accepting me
For the miserable mess I am

Let my silence be a lesson
To be careful what you choose
You dropped what you assumed would always be there
Now you covet the thing you lose

Your life is absent of my sincere words
And you miss the way they sound
Yet you took my voice for granted
All the time it was around

What you did not bother to say
Was what my spoken thoughts meant to you
I expressed my love for you every day
But you couldn't tell me too

I spent all night attempting to take
Care of you even after you said
I was needy, I stayed awake
Sober while I put you to bed.

I covered you in blankets we shared
Wiped puke off of your face
I did not mind having to stay there
(Boots weren't that hard to unlace)

Helping makes me feel good
If I was the one passed out by two
I know without doubt you would
Take care of me the same way too

Night came and swept your soul away
Staring at space left behind
The depth of your vacant body is heavy
Wish I had the strength to save your sick tortured mind