Éclair My Heart

Fill me up with custard’s glow,  
soft as secrets whispered low.  
Chocolate coat our midnight vows,  
each bite a bow that time allows.  

Glossy tease of vanilla sighs—  
declare your love in pastry cries.





.

Have you ever seen a person drown?



You fight, muscles straining as you reach--flailing helplessly toward what you need most. You can't stand it anymore as your body screams for oxygen. You gasp-- hoping, praying this is a dream, but a searing burn rushes down your throat and through your lungs as water floods in. It shouldn't be there, you know it-- every cell screams but it's too late, the water is inside and keeps flooding in. You reach for the light one last time, it filtering and bending into bright rays around your fingers. Your vision grows dull, your muscles no longer respond to what your brain is telling them to do. The light growing dimmer and dimmer as the last bubbles float to the surface. One last ray of gold slips through your fingers... Then nothing...



It's to be expected for any animal to struggle as much as possible while drowning in the water. Some will put others of their kind underneath them, just for precious moments of rest and survival.
So what do you do when you find a person overboard, drowning in the sea of black?
Naturally, I throw the life preserver in hopes that they will grab onto it and I can save them.

Remember what I said when some creatures will force their own kin under in order to live?
Well, what do you do with a creature like that?
Eventually, it's you or them. At this point, it's natural to choose you!

So out of touch,
Lost, out overlooking sea.
Adrift, alone —
Cast out, wayside of the rift.
Scream, beg, but no sound.

Tired, futile to ease,
One foot forward, drag the back.
Adrift, alone —
Struck down, caught by the plague.
Scream, beg, but vacuum surrounds.

So uneasily unstable,
A crumbling world, can't fix the cracks.
Adrift, alone —
Fallen once, an angel, now trapped.
Scream, beg, but alas,

No sound.

I can't guarantee
my words shall stay
as fertile tomorrow
as those of today

inspiration
is a queer thing
it's miracle now
but next be nothing

ah,  this is the sad lot
of the lonely poet:
he can shine one day
or drown in nought

as his muse diminishes :
words, oh words--the grief
when away they hid
and such void it does leave!

Apples
in a bowl
on a wooden table
glowing
in a beam
of sunshine

A window
facing trees
gently moving
in the winds
of Summer

A hand
pooring coffee
for a friend
at the table

Senses intermingling:
apples, wood, summer wind
talk and friendship
in a timeless moment
of simplicity.

I am fixed
to the walls of this house

so tightly joined to it,
this bed
through sinew and bone

thread, thread, thread

another plait into me

the night, the breed she is
with that ****** needle
and thread, thread, thread

knows I can’t stand within it
the vignette
the solitude

the white coats,
the men of the word
those in the mire of the clay
all prescribing the same thing

a hit of perseverance

“Oh, okay,”

“oh, okay,”

“oh, okay.”

I lick, lap at
the slow drip
so tightly fixed to where I always have been

don’t come in,
don’t go out

“I’m sorry,”

in the pooling of spit
one hand in the *****
reaching into the pit

the *******
night
I don’t say in vain

“Okay,”
“Okay,”
“Okay,”

she waits
loosens my thread
slips those little tethers
so much good slack

I run
take my hit of perseverance
I burn
burn, burn, burn
right up in the fire of day

she waits for the ash

the sun rises and sets
on the same thing, always

always
always
always

they don’t understand
those free feet, walking the narrows
I watch them all go
no wince, no limp

no thread, no spit

the way that it seems,
from my portion of shadow,

“Oh, okay,”

so easy ‎

You don’t have to rise like the sun each day—
some mornings, it's enough just to open your eyes,
to sit with the silence,
to feel your heartbeat and whisper, “I’m still here.”

You are not the storm that passed,
nor the ruins it left behind.
You are the seed under the soil,
waiting for the right rain,
the quiet miracle of a soul not giving up.

Let no one shame the pace of your healing.
Let no voice drown out the hush of your trying.
Because surviving is not small.
And breathing, on hard days,
is a kind of bravery the world forgets to praise.

So rest, dreamer.
You don’t need to shine tonight.
You just need to stay—
soft, alive,
and wildly worthy of tomorrow.

I cradle hurricanes in my ribcage
while words swirl around my head.
I try to catch the good ones-
but mostly, I wish I was dead.

I do everything too much-
the joy, the sorrow, the dread.
Yet somehow, I’m never enough-
what a curious truth to be force fed.

If I laugh, it’s always too loud;
my mouth too sharp to make anyone proud.
Crying is a dangerous game,
I could sob away a city, drown in the blame.

My rage leaves no survivors,
as if I line people up on personal pyres.
When I vent, they hear preaching-
a sermon no one wants, a fear of my leeching.

I don’t love, I dissect-
obsessively search for the trap I expect.
I can’t just leave; I burn it all down-
the bubbly, funny girl wears a permanent frown.

I do too much and my inner child feels seen,
She's acting out, we aren't this mean
I just get scared when the vibe is off, and ruining the mood makes the blow more soft.

Despite the chaos I still crave love, an equal partner, wearing fireproof gloves.

“The Establishment” has been tarnished by
Entitlement, abuse of power…
Neglect…
Trauma —
Absence of soul;
Values and beliefs have left a vacuum.
Where we need to return to the Ancient of Days for the true source of power,
Beliefs and
Life —

¡Ya coronó la dicha tus amores!
Un hijo tienes ya, que habrá nacido
Oyendo, cual los dulces ruiseñores,
Músicas en los aires y en el nido.

Sé que la madre de ventura loca
Cifra en él sus más dulces embelesos,
Y que en la fresca guinda de su boca
Acendra miel con lágrimas y besos.

Sé que a ti ya te enferman los sonrojos,
Pues cada extraño que en tu bien repara
Te dice que sus ojos son tus ojos.
Que en su cara de cielo está tu cara.

Y hablando la verdad, si se parece
A su progenitor, yo lo bendigo;
Ya verás cómo vive y cómo crece,
Y halla en cada mortal un buen amigo.

¡Todo igual a su padre! el mundo dice,
Y tú lo miras, y con tierno arrullo
Tu mano lo acaricia y lo bendice
Con infinito amor y noble orgullo.

Hoy tiemblas si en la cuna se menea,
Y tiemblas cuando duerme sosegado,
Y al ver que gesticula y pestañea
Dices en tu interior: ¿qué habrá pensado?

Ni la brisa sutil dejas que roce
Su frente angelical; te ve y suspira,
Y dices con pasión: ¡ya me conoce,
Y ya me quiere hablar cuando me mira!

Habrá que verte cuando ufano pasas
Llevando al nuevo rey de tus amores,
En un coche de mimbres y de gasas
En triunfo por los anchos corredores.

Seguro estoy de que gozoso gritas
Cuando ves con qué gracia tu heredero
Alza al aire las blancas manecitas
Y agita el argentado sonajero.

Y que, por más que está recién llegado
A tu hogar, venturoso cual ninguno,
Lo sueñas almirante y abogado,
Capitán general, sabio y tribuno.

Y lo miras del mundo en la faena
Desdeñando lisonjas y oropeles,
Y su mirada cándida y serena
Te habla de gloria, aplausos y laureles.

Siendo tan pequeñito lo ves hombre,
Y hasta pretendes inquirir ufano
Cómo pondrá las letras de su nombre
El jazmín diminuto de su mano.

Comprendo bien que el serafín te engríe,
Que con él van tus horas muy de prisa,
Y que miras a Dios si te sonríe,
Pues está todo el cielo en su sonrisa.

Miro a la joven madre en su recato
Cómo lo baña en su mirar sereno,
Y hallando en él tu amor y tu retrato,
¡Le da toda la savia de su seno!

Comprendo tu alborozo: en tu alma anida
El más augusto y santo regocijo;
¡Ser padre es ser devoto de la vida,
Porque toda la vida está en el hijo!

Hoy pensarás en todo; si te exalta
El más ciego furor, pronto al mirarlo
Exclamarás con miedo: ¡le hago falta!
¡Yo no debo por nadie abandonarlo!

Es nueva religión la que en él tienes;
Al verlo tu esperanza fortificas,
Y la mejor corona de tus sienes
Es el inmenso amor que le dedicas.

¿Nació para cantar? ¡destino santo!
No lo veré; mi vida se derrumba
A un abismo sin fin; pídele un canto
A mi cariño a ti, sobre mi tumba;

Dile que se estrecharon nuestras manos
Cuando viniste a honrar el suelo mío,
Que tú y yo nos quisimos como hermanos,
Que le amo mucho, y que me llame tío.

Que ha visto el claro albor de la existencia
En esa fecha llena de esplendores
En que mi patria ungió su independencia
Con el grito del cura de Dolores.

¡Dios te vele esa joya de valía,
Tenga en el mundo mirtos por alfombra,
Y que mañana puedan tú y María
Entrelazar sus canas a su sombra!

I will
cultivate the exquisite
portion of my own remarkable
consciousness

I shall
remain untroubled
strew petals and
relish the long,
long solitary days

Decorate my
tortoise with jewels
perhaps

And society, I remain in a
perpetual state of undeclared
war with you
and I owe you nothing

I don’t want to die,
I want to cease to exist.
To never have been born
And never have lived
For my soul and body to disappear
For any memory of me to be gone
To dissolve into nothingness and
Never have been anything at all

May your grateful heart
Be filled with laughter, joy,
And the magic of each new day.
May the spirit of wisdom
Color your life through many years
Just as the mountains and the oceans
Cover our wonder-filled earth.
May your grateful heart be full.

One day
I will finally climb that mountain
I will hyjack a car

One day
When the e cops will ask me if I'm okay as I walk in the side of the road
I'll say
"Oh I'm great"
And it wouldn't even be a lie
Because I would know
What was to come
In only a matter of days

One day
I'll walk and walk
Until my legs don't work
And I'll keep going
On my knees

One day
I'll reach that small town
In small America
And I won't even mind the MAGA's
Because you'll be there

One day
You'll say
"I wish I could hug you right now"
And I'll climb in your room from the window
And give you the biggest one
The world has ever seen

One day
I'll be able to hold your hand
And we can walk on earth together
And eat all the jolly ranchers you'll spare
But I'll let you have all the watermelon ones

One day
I won't have to ask
"Still down?"
Because I'll be there
To see it myself

One day
You won't be 26 days away
But right there
In front of me

One day
I promise
And that'll be almost as magical
As you

Beneath the beauty of the night's grace,  
A moment bloomed in time and space.  
Her eyes, a spark, the world stood still,  
A breath, a pause, a silent thrill.

Her lips, like petals, soft and slow,  
With her tingle cherry gloss, they seemed to glow.  
A scent so sweet, a winter's breeze,  
That danced like whispers through the trees.

The warmth, oh! It spread from skin to soul,  
A quiet fire I couldn't quite control.  
No words were said, none dared to speak,  
Yet hearts conversed in blush and cheek.

The stars leaned in, the moonlight sighed,  
As if the heavens, too, replied.  
And in that kiss, so pure, so true,  
The world was born in shades of you.

When miracles were given away,
It's found that there weren't them for me.
Maybe they didn't put down me in list
Or I forgot to join a queue, you see?

Maybe I got on a shift turnover.
Wizardry's also a job, hearsay,
With lunches, holidays and days off surely.
There're no fools to work the whole days.

Well, I guess I'll have to wait.
I'm a human. I know what's what.
I'll scroop by myself. I'll be patient.
I'll do my best. I hope I would.

Some things are better off dead
Buried in the ground
The memories stuck in my head
Spiraling around and around

My soul sits in its tomb
My hopes are the coffin it lies in
My inner child is the surrounding gloom
My dreams are the flowers lying on the stone

My trauma make up the walls that surround
My pain is the drawings underground
My soul was buried with the shackles that bind me
I had to bury it all so it would let me breathe

You have to stop looking behind to look ahead
That’s why some things are better off dead

At life's next threshold
I can live my questions now
Not drowned in answers

the ego, sometimes it feeds
sometimes it bleeds
which leads me to
self serving
ways
but it’s not
the soul connection
i yearn for
i bleed
or write for

every word on the page
does not show the soul bound to it

And that

but lacking these words,
the soul would have nothing to bind to

You listened
You stopped looking and you found him
Love is love
Your face told the story you shortened for the sake of time
Mr and Mr will walk down tbe aisle
Listen for Evergreen you said
I will dance at your wedding with my husband
Much happiness and looking forward to celebrating your Love

How do you come to hate,
The ones you loved?
You don't.
They tend to turn on you,
Either that,
Or they weren't real at all.
I forsake any shard of regret I had,
From leaving you,
I regret any feeling I had,
From loving you.
If anyone lost here,
It was you.
Because you'll fall back into emptiness,
Trying to replace it with people,
But I, I will not.
I'll continue to cradle my own light,
Which you came so close to taking.
I'm done sacrificing pieces of me,
In order to receive nothing.

i lick my own wounds
because
only i know

exactly     where       it      hurts

screaming,
all you do is scream,
i’m not good enough for you,
never enough.

i eat too much or not enough,
wrong clothes,
wrong hair,
wrong me,
all for you.

i can’t take this anymore,
please,
i’m crying,
breaking on the bathroom floor,
why can’t you see?

you told me you loved me
but love isn’t supposed to hurt,
not like this.

The room,
bone white,

painted
freshly,

the clear
glass of

water—
reflected

in the small
oval

mirror
—sitting

on the
well worn

seat of
a chair,

vivid,
illuminating

after-
noon sun.

It’s no surprise
that kindness feels so sweet
when you’ve been starving ,
even crumbs are a treat.

It’s easy to miss,
but the truth is this:
a little kindness
can feel like bliss

More and more
This feeling grows gradually
It makes me feel sore
So brutal

AHHHHHHHHHH
why do I have to wait
longer and longer
These moment that I hate!

my most toxic trait is thinking

     everything will work out.


haven't died yet

     must be doing something right or

getting very lucky.