while september cicadas
were singing my neighbors to sleep
i was up walking holes in my shoes
over love once lost
so many poems ago
that the only thing i remember
about the house at 38th & bluestone
is that it reeked of alcohol and is
as i'm sure of it
still saturated in perfume
and abandoned laughter
but that's not the point
give me a minute
what i'm trying to say
is i always thought god
enjoyed watching things leave me
it makes me wonder
what was on his mind
that night in september
when i stooped to cough
or tie my shoelaces
i no longer remember why
but i recall their trajectory
the way gravity cradled my hands
and brought them crashing back to earth like a 747
they landed inches away
from a scrap of crumpled loose leaf
folded in half like the smiles
of my relatives on a holiday truce
you see, lately i've been looking for scars in the newspaper
i find myself checking the obituary
for my former selves since the day i found your suicide letter
maybe that's why i can never explain my obsession with history
maybe archeology is just a funeral
in reverse
maybe hell is just rewinding home movies
or watching confetti
turn back into photographs
i never told anyone
the reason the doors to the gun cabinet in my family's house are locked not because they are afraid
i will take my life
but because sometimes
i sing them birthday songs
on the day you died
it makes me think
of how rooms only echo
when they are empty

*you know
i never echoed until you died

At what point do you realise you're a number
How do I know that all these promises, you didn't whisper to them too
I say I've never felt this way, you say you love me
I can't stop holding myself up against them
And all I feel is scrutiny, inferiority and broken
I hate myself now for only seeing an act

On the journey from your mouth to my ears
All these words lose everything and end up empty
But I've never thought me good enough
And perhaps I never will

So the ones who come before me stand tall over me and promise to never let me go
Yet somehow in the dark, in the deep deep dark

I see you

You're alone and holding in your hands all the meaning from the words that were lost
You hold it up to me and look further into me than anyone has ever done before
And I break and the tears that leave me carry the doubt away into my pocket and form a weight
I kiss you and embrace everything you hold and make it my own
I fall into you and become aware of how much I love you

Until I reach into my pocket and they're there

Waiting to grasp my hand

Swirling and swirling,
that was how the coffee went
as I stirred it,
wishing at the same time
that I could go into the whirlpool
and just drown.

And I drank the coffee
without cooling it,
not caring if it burns my throat.
I felt it trace a warm trail
on my esophagus
and scatter on my chest.
It finally reached my heart
which has been cold for so long.
The feeling was comforting.

i exist somewhere between the kick drum and the snare

i am the blood thundering in our veins

i am the rhythm that gives us life

i am the 375 nanometers of ultraviolet light shining down on you

i am the space between the notes and the silence before the drop

i am oscillation, reverberation, undulation of bassline

i am rattling ribcage from excess decibels

i am titinnitus waiting to strike.

3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine,  Lysergic acid diethylamide,  tetrahydrocannabinol, ethanol, benzoylmethylecgonine; choose your poison so that you may enjoy me better

i am the sweat that slicks our skin and keeps us cool

i am the longing look that leaps from eye to eye

i am mellifluous melody, motivator of movement, master of mind.

i am the sea of strangers you find yourself lost in, minimally clad bodies moving in ways you didn't know were possible.

i am the fire-poi spinner, the LED hula-hooper, the melbourne-shuffling madman, the obnoxious bro, the ancient hippie, the obviously underage girl, the idiot overdosing in the corner, and the person wearing more pony beads than clothes.

i am the rave.

You shine so bright,
Blessing us with your light,
Around the sun so insignificant,
As he shadows your magnificence,
But night will cone with no electricity,
And people will flock to the city,
Begging you to flicker for them please,
But you're not at ease,
Because of the times you were forgotten in the dark,
When people didn't notice your spark,
You don't need them they need you,
Until the moon kills your mood as she replaces you.

Its sad really
Because the only reason I haven't killed myself yet
Is because I don't want to hurt anyone
But the reason I want to **** myself is because everyone is hurting me

i will watch as you walk away with pieces of my brittle heart lodged into your palms
and i hope they sting every time her hand slips into yours

i will watch empty promises tumble from your mouth as you exhale  
and i hope you choke on them

and as you breathe in every molecule of her perfume
i hope the scent stings your nose

i will watch you kiss her and kiss her and kiss her
and i hope it's the best experience of your life

so i watch you fall from grace as she discards you like a jumper she has outgrown
and i taste the same sweet satisfaction you did when she kissed you

i watch as a drunken mess
because the hangovers hurt much less than even a fleeting thought of you

If you could not
Mention her
Just for a while
I'm sick of the stories
I feel so vile
For lingering on it
But I guess you are too
Why are you with me?
Are you sure your over her?
The questions
The worries
I don't tell you about
But please don't mention it
It hurts to be compared
Or to feel compared
I could be wrong
I hope I am
But the demons inside
Don't understand
So please
Could you not
Linger