you are the closest thing i think i have ever had to perfection

you are the cliche perfectly imperfect to me; you are the pathetic love story teenage infatuation boy who makes me smile more than i should when i think of you, the boy who makes me want to stay with him for the rest of the hours in the day, the boy who makes me wish i could stop time, the boy who makes everything feel right

you are what makes my day complete

your laugh, your eyes, the way you always smell like clean clothes, the fact that i have stuffed my head in your chest enough to know your scent, the way you're always warm, the way you do things just to make me smile, the fact that you always continue the conversation even when we have nothing else to say, the way you say my name when you're concerned, the way you hug me, the way you just touch my hair, the way it falls back from your touch as paralyzed as i am

you are more than just a boy

you are my 4am thoughts, you are my 2am thoughts, you are my thoughts all the time, you are the lead in my pencil, you are what forces me to write, you are why i look forward to the mornings, you are the reason i dont study and cant sleep, you are the reason i want to sleep, you are why i constantly stay on my computer during class, you are what fuels motivation, you are the only boy i cannot lie to, you are the only boy i have never wanted to lie to, you are the only boy i have ever thought was this worth fighting for...

there is an invisible barricade*

sometimes i stand in a pocket of space with you where it just feels right, where everything seems to melt away, where i go home and listen to songs and just think about you, and hear the words "we might be dead by tomorrow" constantly from my computer speakers, telling myself that one day i will send you that song so you can understand that today is for today because there may not be a tomorrow and yesterday has already gone, but i know that deep down i can never get you to understand this

your presence lingers far after you leave

when you walk away i don't want you to; i've never wanted you to. it sounds ridiculous but your presence makes me happy and i don't understand it but i just understand that i like the feeling and i don't want that feeling to end, and when you leave it does end, but you seem to stay in my memory for a long time after that

i am frustrated

i am frustrated with how much i happen to like you, with how much you impact me and how happy you make me, because this puts me out of my element, and i am frustrated that there seems to be so much potential between us, there seems to be so much happiness, i know things about you no one does, remember? and i will always be willing to learn more because i do not want to stop learning more; i learn more about you everyday...

i am scared, too

the prospect of whatever this is that we have, whatever you want to call it, scares me too, because that means that we have to sacrifice a friendship in the name of something better, knowing that it may end. but i am willing to drop everything and sacrifice it all for this, and i know that deep down you are too, and i know that right now if you ever see this you will say i do? and i will respond, gently, with a you do, because sometimes things mean something more than what we think they do, or they mean more than we are willing to admit them to

when will the barricade fall

let me perform a coup d'etat on your heart, let me break down the remnants of previous love and pain and let me build my own wall there, myself, one that you and i will stabilize throughout time, together. let me let your guard down, let me let you finally fall on a cushion, let me be the person there at 4am, let me be the one there in your worst moments and your best, during summer nights watching the sunset, during winter nights when the dark encompasses everything and everyone

I'm conveniently late to everything
so why can't I be conveniently late to life?

My days are numbered by the amount of tears I now shed.
"Today was a good day; I didn't cry at all" meanwhile I feel like
screaming. This is the only way I can assure
some kind of optimism in my life.

But today is not a good day, because I cried and
it's gotten to the point where I don't know why
I randomly do but just that I do and
no one but my one true best friend
cares about how I feel.

If anyone cares, it's only temporary, because they find
happiness later on and they can tell you that it is
easy as hell and they can scold you for not trying
hard enough.

But is happiness truly happiness
if you have to try?

Perhaps when she looks at you
and she smiles
and says "I'm okay"
she is saying
the most
b
  e
     a
  u
t
  i  
      f
  u
l
*lie

sometimes things change and we can't control it
and sometimes it's easy to forget that we are only human beings,
incapable of preventing something inevitable.

but i do have to admit, it is a shame when you see someone
you really care about go through such pain
and such emotion and still pretend to be okay to you
because it is as if you are stuck in a box with no opening, and only
a little hole in the box will allow air to flow in.

at some point you don't even want to breath in the air
anymore. sometimes you would rather suffocate so you can forget
temporarily about everything. sometimes you would rather ignore
it all than notice it's there. maybe if you don't admit it to yourself
it isn't true.

but i have been through the "i'm fines" and i know
this isn't the case and no matter how many times you want to
say it, it will simply not come true. no matter how many times i claw at
my skin and the ground, no matter how many times i sigh and stoop my
head down, no matter how many times i cry, i cannot bring back
the month of november; i cannot redo my mistakes.

things have changed back then and circumstances change
and maybe you never did change because i created this perfect mold for you
and expected you would fit in it, but maybe it was my mold that was flawed,
not you. maybe i'm the one who changed, maybe i'm the one that
caused my own pain. that's what i think now, anyway.

i wish i could rewind the hands of time, and i wish that things were
the way they were on a nice autumn day. but they are not, and i have to learn
to accept change, and i have to learn to control my frustration with it
because maybe this was all for the better; i just don't know it yet.

I'm in a relationship with Life,
and together we intertwine fingers as she pulls me in closer and closer
away from the edge of the world.

I'm in a relationship with Life,
and together we push each other to our limits
and when one stops beating the heart of the other is enough to keep us going.

I'm in a relationship with Life,
but I'm flirting with that dame in black named Sorrow
and she keeps tugging at my arm and flashing me a smile that begs for attention.

I'm in a relationship with Life,
but I'm starting to feel my shackles as she no longer works with me but against me,
and the jealousy she has perpetuates whatever happiness we might have together.

I'm in a relationship with Life,
but I'm now cheating with the comfort of Sorrow,
and I often sit alone in my room with her black veil near me
as the flowers slowly die outside.

I'm in a relationship with Life,
but she rarely comes around anymore,
and so she causes me to look at Sorrow in her eyes,
and wonder, "Where is my Life, anyway?"

---------------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------

I'm no longer in a relationship with life, for she has left me to **die.

I have a feeling that this won't end well
but something inside me keeps pushing me forward
and I catch myself looking forward to your texts and your presence
to your smile and your complaining

i walk down the hall with armor on my face
because i have to be the soldier that cannot say anything

images reflect off of me as i greet people with smiles
but deep down i want to rip off all the fake steel that people cannot see behind

i feel myself growing weaker and weaker as people are ******* the marrow out of me
instead of their own lives, as they gain their momentum from pointing out flaws
of a girl

i am many things but psychopathic is not one of them and how dare you decide it is okay
to speak about someone like that, to create a dungeon built from your lies and hold me prisoner.

i feel like crying but you will never see because i will greet you with a smile
and talk to you about your day

**** them with kindness they say,
well i'm ready to watch this **burn

you are the king and i am the queen and together,
we practice the art of self destruction

denial is in our blood and fake smiles run red hot through our dna
we are accustomed to hiding the pain until one day we can't anymore
and we should look out for one another but we like to feel broken

you and i are the king and queen of denial
we assume it will all go away and nothing is true
we shield away from the sharp knives that dig their way into our backs
because we can feel the pain but if we don't see it it's not there

the air in our lungs will collapse one day as the heart takes one last palpitation
and we will gaze into each others eyes with death as our stares become empty

you and i are the king and queen of denial,
i dream of being with you and you dream i am not here
and our dreams are slowly becoming realities as we over-analyze it all to ensure
that you are for me and i am over you

but i have mastered the art of reading your eyes and the way you walk
and i know something is wrong deep within
so just remember that i have already fallen enough to learn getting up is not worth it
but you cannot deny your fall any longer
and all your universe has ever known will change and there will be no more denial

i will be here when the king turns into a corpse, giving in because
*he will finally learn how to accept

i realize i look at you the way that they all do now,
that long list of girls that admire that smile

but i look with a tint of concern too when i know that you're hiding things
and you don't want to say them but they weigh on your shoulders more
than your backpack

i also realize i don't want to begin anything again
because anything now will be half-assed
and will just cause more pain than anything else

but when she hugged you today it bothered me in a way that only i can say
and when she talked to you today and when they all talk to you
and you respond with effortless smiles and pay them all
mind and joke around about how the timing is all off for them to talk
i secretly wish that they could all go away because they are a reminder
that this shouldn't happen again

i fell
        down
              down
                      d o w n
into the depths of my heart
and i felt like i was
d r o w n i n g

it'll all be okay now
don't look at me that way
because i feel
perfectly
    f  
i
          n
      e

and i know the longer i speak
the more it will come true
and there is no point
to look at you the way
that i now do

i cannot handle you being near me
but i cannot handle you leaving
please don't leave
come back
stay away forever

what is wrong with me

My mom once told me hate was a strong word, and I can thus say for certain
I hate this.

I hate how I keep thinking about you the minute I wake up,
I hate how when I see a photo of you my heart drops,
I hate how when I go to bed I can't escape you because you're in all of my dreams,
I hate how I still get dressed in order to catch your attention,
I hate how I spend time thinking about what we could be, what we never will be,
I hate how you walk around and act like everything is okay,
I hate how you can smile everyday and seem to not care,
I hate how you have the option to ignore all of this,
I hate how I decided to tell you how I felt in the first place,
I hate how you stare at me still for moments that feel like they last forever,
I hate how time still stops when I hear your voice,
I hate how when I see you you're the only person I focus on,
I hate how we don't talk to each other anymore,
I hate how impatient I feel like I'm being,
I hate how you're taking your time,
I hate how I know you know how I feel,
I hate how I feel so vulnerable,
I hate how after everything I still like you,
I hate how I can't just let you go,
I hate how I'm *still wishing

Is it nice being you, knowing all but saying
n o t h i n g?

Is it nice being you, doing well in school,
not having a care in the world about emotions?

Is it nice being you, being ignorant of
the amount of pain you cause me with everyday
going unchanged?

Is it nice being you, having the ******* privilege
of the fifth amendment, having the option to not
use your words?

Must be nice being you.

Do you know that everytime you look at me
my heart feels like it's been stabbed with
a needle -- small enough to make an impact but
not a permanent scar?


You probably don't know that I've cried. You probably don't know that I hope for interaction everyday, that I dread things like pretending it's all okay.

With every joke you make, every pathetic attempt
to ignore reality, you hurt me more and more,
because I don't have an option for words; I can only stay silent now.

It must be nice being you.

I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve,
get it stepped on, and then promise myself to never
show it again; to keep it locked away in the dungeon
of my chest until someone can come with the key.

I have a malfunction to fall for someone again and again
and not wait for them to find a key but rather hand them the key
to my own heart, assuming that they need a little push in order
to be let inside.

I have many, many false assumptions about love
and optimism, and that maybe each time I like someone,
maybe each time it'll be different,
maybe the next time I won't feel any pain,
I won't feel ignored,
I won't have to do all the talking, all the convincing.

And now, I have a broken heart.

Something about your smile captivates me like a single star on a dark night,
when the sky is cloudless and all you can see is it
shining.

Something about your eyes take my breath away,
so whenever we speak together and you gaze into mine
as the politeness you are so accustomed to requires of you,
I stop to think.

I always think, but there's something in those eyes that make my mind
turn into a compilation of mush and butterflies,
when my face begins to turn bright pink and people blame it on the temperature
when really everybody knows it's because of you.

Something about your voice tranquilizes me,
the minute a word slips off your tongue it causes me
to just focus on your soft tone, a voice that seems it could never be mad.

Something about you completes me,
and I'm not quite sure what it is yet, but I want to find out
if I can complete you, too.

One chance, one moment to be together with your smile,
your voice,
your eyes,
you,
and surely, I'll have the world at my fingertips.

When I think of you my hearts skips not one,
but ten beats.

My palms get sweaty, the butterflies get unleashed in my stomach, and my emotions seem to surface to my head
faster and faster.

When I think of you, I get filled with dread and sadness, but happiness all the same.    
How can you have that effect on me?

I want to throw my pillow in the air, let out a joyous sound and catch it, but I want to lay in my bed all day and wonder why life treats me this way.

When I think of you my mind often stops working.
Everything turns into mush and I can't think of anything to say other than to smile.

When I think of you all I can do is get trapped inside my thoughts
and I desperately try to run away from them but can't because you won't let me.

When I think of you, I wish my mind would let you go.

When I think of you, I don't want you to ever leave.

Eyes closed, but never asleep.
Heart beating, but never alive.
Eyes open, but never see.
Mouth moving, but never speaking.
Ears listening, but never hearing.
Smiles form, but never happy.
Hands working, but never touching.

Interactions mean nothing as the world becomes silent
around the thoughts that consume me day in and day out.

"You're not good to him and you're not bad to him. You're nothing to him."
I'm meaningless,
and perhaps,
that's worst of all.

Today, I let it all out.

I've ignored the situation and pushed it to the back of my mind
the way the snow plows push the snow to the side of the street.
But for some reason today I just couldn't activate the plow in my mind
that let's me forget about everything and concentrate on the moment.

I started to reminisce and with that came intoxication. I became intoxicated
by the past memories of every time you looked at me, smiled at me,
talked to me, stared at me. I was so foolish, under a rock of such false hope
that I couldn't see the signs clearly directed towards my blind eyes.

But now I can; it all didn't matter, and I don't matter. I highly
doubt you take time out of your day to allot to thinking of me
even in the slightest sense -- it's easy to fill your mind with school
and other occupants that seem to fill whatever section of your
heart could potentially be left for me. Maybe it's only convenient
for you to acknowledge me when you want to be kind or when you
just want a self esteem booster. Funny, how with one single phrase someone's
self esteem is raised while the other person's is crushed under the weight it took
in order to get those words out just to be greeted with another disappointment.

And so now I spent a while just listening to sad songs and letting out all
the tears I promised myself would never leave my eye for you in realizing
whatever I thought we had was never true.

I can't sleep because you're the first image that flashes in my head
but I can't stay awake because all I  do is think about you and how
much I want to talk with you and how I can't because then I'll know
a friend is all I'll ever be but all I just want you to do is see the real
me.