remember when you use to video call me,
we would be chatting for hours.
that's when you use to talk to me.
i could barely get a text back now,
but it's all my fault, there's my accountability.
i really took things for granted.
that phrase i always say pops up,
if you are not meant to be my lover,
i hope that you can still be my best friend.
i want to blame it on one thing but i could only blame myself.
i hope you see my actions i am really trying to break these bad habits.

Bieng A Loner Is My Life Style ! <3 So **** Friends And Family ! All I Need Is Me Ive Been Crushed By Pple I Dnt Fuckn Need . Feelings Misunderstood Pure Lies And Evil, Beware The Seven Sins Tht Will Bring Men To Its Endings Greed , Gluttony , Pride , Warth , Sloth , Lust & , Envy !

Kikn It With The Devil For The Hell Of It; Laughing At Your Exaggerated Lame *** Facebook Statuses !

the love i have is pure
i love like it’s a cure
i become love sick
and it’s hard for me to tell if it’s a fib.
i love until it hurts
and suddenly I’m filed with remorse
because why can’t they love me equally or more
it’s a twisted delusion
if i end up loving you
you would think
‘why didn’t i keep it pushin’
i do mean good intentions
it’s the unhealthy obsessions
the frustrations
i lack self respect
i end up doing things that label me as a *****
being desperate only led me to be alone
did i learn my lesson
no
this time I’m saying it out loud
to stop my future self from doing
the same thing that i am not proud of

i did it alone
i sat in my room
contemplating whether i should stay
or just go
i hate that i know why or how my actions occur
i was doing so good
i was sober i had it all
i got stuck in 2020
the loss i experienced
it rewired my brain
all i felt since then is pain
tomorrow marks five years
i pushed it to the back
a memory of watching a love
get put six feet under
open casket it ****** me up
a 4 am call did it all

i really have no clue
today i was hurt
everyday im such a fool
i’m drowning in this pool
full of tears and blood
i hate how i love
i hate who i love
i miss them
i don’t hear them behind the walls
i wanna be distant
not really i just want a hug.

I was a child,
never asked for this!
I try not to view the negative,
I see the beauty; not just myself,
but what I am able to create with
my illusions!
I have a bad habit of romanticizing
a suicide!
Everyday is a beautiful day to die!
I have so much too loose,
I cannot afford to be a fool.
To let my talents go to waste,
there’s not many of us who are chosen for this.
Many don’t have a clue!
Can you read between my lines?
Are you able to know if I am telling you lies?
Stay long enough, I can probably make you cry.
The words I express,
I rather feel than to be emotionless!!!
The other Cluster B members are powerless,
I am able to get under their skin because of it!

I hate this term!
As a mentally ill woman,
what makes you think
you know, what’s better for me?
Let alone to know what makes me think?
The surface is what you see,
and if I don’t know you well;
what you see is your own image.
I wear it better, maybe that’s why they envy me?
I have my own flaws, I learned to take accountability.
That’s the difference,
that some cannot see.
A symptom for BPD is guilt and shame.
I have managed it,
I say it out loud!
Those who have wished on my downfall, I see them drown!
You know nothing,
i’ll let you in on a secrete,
I am very proud
of who I am!
I don’t care about the fame,
just here me out.
As write MY LIFE away!

What do I have to do to be accepted
to be me, to be judgement free.
I couldn't even fit in with my own family.
Half of them don't even speak to me and don't dare speak of me, they'll shut u up immediately.
Yes, I can be a handful, they call me dramatic
but they never wondered what caused me to develop very bad habits.
They ignored it,
so, I turned to drugs and alcohol.
My own image is distorted.
I wonder if BPD was just genetics, because my own mother can be so hectic.
Or if it was inflicted, by my older brother
that needed to bust quick, because he couldn’t get any *******.

many things i know are unspoken,
as i sip this drink,
they start unfolding.
i tell myself,
‘i shouldn’t go there.’
to whom it may concern?
i don’t even know them!
they don’t believe me,
because i have BPD and addictions.
it’s unfair,
but they forget i'm very self aware.
if i didn’t care,
i wouldn’t be here.
i’m using this outlet,
to speak for my BPD peers!

i don’t even wanna vent
i’m so lost
i used to beg
used to talk to strangers
used to tell all my tales
now i walk around on mute
i could only talk to a few
not really
it be ******* up my mood

Never been so deranged
Remember how you came
Not first place
Who says
I chase
I rather do well
Watch how far I go
Go ahead
Go kiss and tell
I be up in your mind though
On the highest pedestal
I know I be tripping
Stay daydreaming
Life be hella fun
hehe haha
Ran outta funds
This ones for my friends and foes
If you wanna holla at me
You gotta keep up
Got so many **** phones
Might **** around
Leave you on dial tone
I am not sorry
I'm ******* insane
Come ****** and fed
Finna vent
**** that
Mood switch
******* pay me
Leave me alone
Don't wanna be lonely
I don't know it makes sense to me
Get rich and cry trying

Last year’s summer    

I moved to South Central    

I don’t miss the heat strokes, but it did take a turn    

I ended up losing my mental    

Driving down LA    

It’s a sight to see, all day    

They don’t talk about Skid Row    

Now I see why so many lost hope    

Junkies, they were once someone's loved one    

You see them using dope    

Just to cope, they’re lost souls    

It’s easier to live on the streets    

The people out in LA don’t want to see you succeed    

Living in my car, bouncing around sober livings    

I am surprised I didn’t end up permanently on the streets    

In a tent, sitting next to someone’s auntie    

I'm grateful for the experience just lost my mind, not completely    

South Central, Los Angeles    

Land of the not so righteousness

Life is so weird, one day you have it all  

The next day you are walking down a jail hall.  

You stop talking to a person for months,  

Suddenly now you have an incoming call.  

You say goodbye,  

The way life is working, could that be a lie?  

You feel uncertain  

All the emotions just come bursting.  

What's greater than life?  

I suppose I just got to try.  

If I keep myself closed in, will it be the same,  

The same as when is say it, I don't hold it in.  

But I talk too much, honestly  

I don’t talk enough.  

Life is weird,  

Like me, and I cheer.  

Hoping for my mind to just be clear.

Learning each day to be patient  

It's easier said than done, I hate it.  

I forgive myself a lot every time I slip  

“I'll be okay” is what I tell myself when I start to trip.  

I have walked through darker days,  

But lately I started using an umbrella,  

Life has been raining down on my parade.  

I don’t fear losing, I fear success,  

With my type of patience, I can’t explain the amount of stress  

I have bottled up in my chest!

My mind is overwhelmed

It has been hard to get into bed.

Sometimes I wish I could turn off my head

But it just doesn't stop, its overflowing  

It's like a river, come and sit by the riverbed.

Let me tell you about the knots, the ones in the back of my neck.

It's stressful, I am so over it.

I want to avoid it, like it’s the plague.

Waking up to the sun beaming at my face

I slept great, only problem I had was my foot was on the break

A good night’s rest in my car is all I needed, you’d be amazed.

Getting too comfortable is dangerous,

It eventually ends, all we do is fight and fuss.

We are meant to grow, be a better version of ourselves

Instead, we bring each other down and I start questioning myself.

I am worthy and so are you, I am letting you go, and you should too.

We both know how this will end, it’s something we can’t bear.

Summer nights, I hate
Survivor, new beginnings
Summer nights, I love

the pain that I feel
my name is what u smear
u hate yourself but blame it on me
I was wounded when I met u
wouldn’t think we’d still be together
I’m bounded by trauma
playing, don’t step on lava
too late now, I just ponder.
if I ever see you again,
ima act like Stevie Wonder.

Ten years, it has been ten years. All put together into fifteen poems. A summary, this is the life I live. There’s no such thing as a perfect human being. I owe it to myself, for never giving in to the mean voices in my head. Including those who walk side by side with me. I know from right and wrong, at times the wrong feels right. I go looking for trouble I have damaging habits to kick off. My actions aren’t helpful. It's a paradox, my biggest flaw. Change feels uncomfortable and I’m in constant sorrow.  

I don't mean to lie,  

I don't mean to manipulate,  

I don’t mean to refuse help,  

I'm empty inside,  

I hate to be alone,  

I space out n daydream because the real-world *****.  

I don’t mean to physically hurt myself at the slightest inconvenience.  

Self-sabotaging is my greatest enemy.  

Living in the abyss of misery.  

I still think everyone hates me.  

I haven't figured out who I am just yet.  

From the top of my head these are the basics. I love to write, draw, and read. I listen to music because it brings me peace. My favorite color is yellow my lucky number is three. I'm ambitious, I chase my dreams. My mind is different, I consider it creative. I am sweet and kindhearted. I’m hilarious, I like to brighten people's days. I’m not a demon. Underneath all these wounds and the mask I wear, I’m just like you.

I wasn’t done grieving. I was tired of going through

All the BS. I ran away from my city, from

Back-to-back traumatizing real life ish.

And here you come,

At full speed.

In disguise, ready to lie, starting fights, I was your punching bag. Forgot who I

was, forgot what love is, forgot about bliss. You never missed,

And I kept going back to it. I was such an idiot.

I understood it, you hate me. I was  

Okay with it...

Because when no one answered my call, you did. Because when

I felt alone, you were there. Because when I felt low,

You picked me up. Because when I wanted

Someone to talk to, you heard.

You are my curse.

I really did love you, and at times I miss you!

They say not to hold on to the good  

Memories, it’s dangerous.

Believe it!

We are the perfect match but for all the wrong reasons.

We shared the same interests or maybe we

Mirrored each other too well.

I thought I had to put up

With it forever.

I haven't yet escaped you. Figuratively speaking, feels like you

Can't let go of me either. We both have our reasons.

Your maliciously thinking, I'm still  

Reminiscing the times

You made me

Feel special.

I think optimistically, your finding ways

To appear back, potentially.

I used to feed your  

Ego daily.

My life has been great. I love myself and deserve to be happy!

I’m excited finally, the plans I have for my future.

I’n set! I wish you nothing but the best.

I hope you overcome whatever is  

Holding you back.

I still want you to succeed, that’s just who I am.

Others might say I'm excusing your

Bad actions. Genuinely mean it,

Helps with this thing

Called healing.

It was nice meeting you Syco, bittersweet moment. Our novel ends here.

Goodbye and I hope to never see you again. Find your peace love.

With much love,

XO

It has been four years and three months since you have passed. My life hasn’t been the same without you, but I did carry out a lot. It has been a whirlwind without your guide. I will always cherish the time we had. I am grateful for crossing paths, you set the bar high for what I deserve to have. Thank you for being there on my journey of mental healing, you knew exactly what I needed. You were able to handle all my feelings. Things happen for a reason. I was there to give you the experience of what love is and in exchange you taught me how to manage myself. I was mad and upset that you left. I'm not trying to be selfish or mean it's something I always held in and in a way couldn’t help me heal. I just couldn’t believe that I had you here one moment then you disappeared. Once upon a time, my prince charming left my dreams. I daydream of all the times we stayed up telling each other stories about our past. We both have a funny bone in us, I enjoyed going to all your comedy shows. Listening to you tell jokes that featured me. I even helped you create some of your skits. I wish I had more time with you, hate that you had to leave so soon. I try not to live with the guilt, but I regret not helping you. This is why I keep living my life, you gave me motivation, you believed in me you wouldn’t think twice. A milestone you helped me achieve was starting a small business selling chocolate covered strawberries. That’s when I knew I had potential to be anything, couldn’t have done it with you that's what I call a team. You gave me reassurance when your phone broke you put the effort to email me. Thank you so much for loving me and treating me like a queen. I love you, Kenny!

Forever Yours,

Ba <3

What is forever? Something that is there all the time, right? That’s how this feel, never ending cycles. I try and I try. After many diagnoses they finally got it right. I felt relieved but at the same time I asked myself why? When I got to the root of it all one event had the power to change my life. I hate that I gotta live with this. I’ll never see sunshine. That’s a lie. BPD can be manageable if you really want to. I learn something new about myself, and I love that. Only I can change and make things right. Only time can tell when I'll be alright. Forever is not always a terrible thing. I stopped looking at it that way to find peace. I give myself credit for putting up with myself and not giving up so easily. It’s not an easy thing to do, it becomes a lifestyle. It’s like battling concrete. You get a lot of ****** knuckles, always made sure I won. I can always forgive; I forgive myself forever I wouldn't want to live with this pain for eternity. Don’t allow yourself to let it take over. Don’t allow it to choose your world. In the end it’ll be all worth it. Forever is true, forever upgrading never knew what prime is.