I wasn’t done grieving. I was tired of going through

All the BS. I ran away from my city, from

Back-to-back traumatizing real life ish.

And here you come,

At full speed.

In disguise, ready to lie, starting fights, I was your punching bag. Forgot who I

was, forgot what love is, forgot about bliss. You never missed,

And I kept going back to it. I was such an idiot.

I understood it, you hate me. I was  

Okay with it...

Because when no one answered my call, you did. Because when

I felt alone, you were there. Because when I felt low,

You picked me up. Because when I wanted

Someone to talk to, you heard.

You are my curse.

I really did love you, and at times I miss you!

They say not to hold on to the good  

Memories, it’s dangerous.

Believe it!

We are the perfect match but for all the wrong reasons.

We shared the same interests or maybe we

Mirrored each other too well.

I thought I had to put up

With it forever.

I haven't yet escaped you. Figuratively speaking, feels like you

Can't let go of me either. We both have our reasons.

Your maliciously thinking, I'm still  

Reminiscing the times

You made me

Feel special.

I think optimistically, your finding ways

To appear back, potentially.

I used to feed your  

Ego daily.

My life has been great. I love myself and deserve to be happy!

I’m excited finally, the plans I have for my future.

I’n set! I wish you nothing but the best.

I hope you overcome whatever is  

Holding you back.

I still want you to succeed, that’s just who I am.

Others might say I'm excusing your

Bad actions. Genuinely mean it,

Helps with this thing

Called healing.

It was nice meeting you Syco, bittersweet moment. Our novel ends here.

Goodbye and I hope to never see you again. Find your peace love.

With much love,

XO

It has been four years and three months since you have passed. My life hasn’t been the same without you, but I did carry out a lot. It has been a whirlwind without your guide. I will always cherish the time we had. I am grateful for crossing paths, you set the bar high for what I deserve to have. Thank you for being there on my journey of mental healing, you knew exactly what I needed. You were able to handle all my feelings. Things happen for a reason. I was there to give you the experience of what love is and in exchange you taught me how to manage myself. I was mad and upset that you left. I'm not trying to be selfish or mean it's something I always held in and in a way couldn’t help me heal. I just couldn’t believe that I had you here one moment then you disappeared. Once upon a time, my prince charming left my dreams. I daydream of all the times we stayed up telling each other stories about our past. We both have a funny bone in us, I enjoyed going to all your comedy shows. Listening to you tell jokes that featured me. I even helped you create some of your skits. I wish I had more time with you, hate that you had to leave so soon. I try not to live with the guilt, but I regret not helping you. This is why I keep living my life, you gave me motivation, you believed in me you wouldn’t think twice. A milestone you helped me achieve was starting a small business selling chocolate covered strawberries. That’s when I knew I had potential to be anything, couldn’t have done it with you that's what I call a team. You gave me reassurance when your phone broke you put the effort to email me. Thank you so much for loving me and treating me like a queen. I love you, Kenny!

Forever Yours,

Ba <3

What is forever? Something that is there all the time, right? That’s how this feel, never ending cycles. I try and I try. After many diagnoses they finally got it right. I felt relieved but at the same time I asked myself why? When I got to the root of it all one event had the power to change my life. I hate that I gotta live with this. I’ll never see sunshine. That’s a lie. BPD can be manageable if you really want to. I learn something new about myself, and I love that. Only I can change and make things right. Only time can tell when I'll be alright. Forever is not always a terrible thing. I stopped looking at it that way to find peace. I give myself credit for putting up with myself and not giving up so easily. It’s not an easy thing to do, it becomes a lifestyle. It’s like battling concrete. You get a lot of ****** knuckles, always made sure I won. I can always forgive; I forgive myself forever I wouldn't want to live with this pain for eternity. Don’t allow yourself to let it take over. Don’t allow it to choose your world. In the end it’ll be all worth it. Forever is true, forever upgrading never knew what prime is.

Twenty-one was the age I put everything at rest. It felt like a mess. I finally realized it was time I chose success. I went cold turkey. It was hard, it’s not something I suggest. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. When I got the chance to catch some z’s, the nightmares I would see. I would wake up from my own scream. Cold sweats down to my feet. I couldn’t believe how much I had lost; it was as though I had left my soul in the streets. It never helped me just made me 10 times crazy. Before I even picked up this evil thing, another symptom that comes with BPD is paranoia. I have this thing that I always thought about. The people out in the world are here to wish for my downfall. Ever since I was a kid, I always had to prove some. It felt like I was never enough, it was always I was doing too much. Twenty-one and I couldn’t enjoy the very first bar hop. I was fifteen yrs. old with a fake ID card. It was nothing new, but something I never got tired of. I know no one will ever understand why I act so impulsively, why am I always compulsive. I was glad I was able to see the way that I acted and the way people perceived me. It’s nothing normal but what is normal? All I wanted was a healthy mind and body. I asked myself please forgive me, I was left alone, no one could hear me. Excuse my language but it’s ****** up the way we raise these children. We become ****** up adults with ****** up mind sets. That our parents gave us. With no good role models to guide me I landed myself in an asylum. Stuck in an ongoing cycle, it was vicious. And that’s how I knew I have the power of resilience. To have a BPD mind it’s confusing I don’t even understand myself I know I can be obnoxious, if I don’t get my way, I throw tantrums I’m **** near 30 acting like I need a change of diapers. The anger that I display at very inappropriate times. One of the best years I loved is twenty-one; I officially started my journey of recovery and mental healing.

I'm not done, I'm not finished.

There’s three parts within these three sections.

I like odd numbers; my favorite is three.

I’m only half evil; I try to be nice.

Occasionally.

I don’t get even, I get mad. I also live with shame and guilt.

It’s rooted deep inside.

The technique to this is to be immortal,

I flow, I row, someday I’ll grow.

It came in different forms; it ate away at my soul.

I cried, never laughed, I lost hope, I couldn’t sleep.

Crystal wouldn’t leave me alone, I hated her. She also scared me.  

I chose her and that made me weak. I wished at some point to get into heaven. 11:11 make a wish, I wished I hadn’t met her. I stayed with her; I did things like... I’m no criminal!

I just gambled with my life, you dared me, I abide. Those sleepless nights. Didn’t think twice.

I hated my mind. Crazy to know after I got caught, no one questioned, no one thought, they forgot.

**** it.

They say be careful, it might last you forever.

That’s not what I cared about, I cared about my two-steps, my moves.

I cared to not make myself look like a fool. I heard he’s handsome. Heard he’s a mood.

He didn’t care about me, but he had me weak at my knees. I extended my hand,

They will all say...

‘What’s her face’ became my best friend; I tried to see her every day. I met her through a mutual homegirl, about a year ago.

I asked her, why are you out here for? I guess she wondered too.

She had told me once If I am ever too much, just drink some *****.

It stuck with me. ‘What’s her face’ always knew what to do.

What attracted me about her was that she never judged, she never lied, never gave me a reason to start a fight.

I escaped home to go see her, we painted all day and all night. I scraped up change! At this point, I really needed her.

She was home! She didn’t make me feel crazy. I was never alone. She held me. She helped me.

**** PAINTING!

She kept me... She kept me whole. I thought so. ‘What’s her face,’ what’s her name, I can’t remember for the life of me!

It’s Crystal!

Yeah...

Crystal last name Methamphetamine.

I should've listened to Gucci Mane, I’m stubborn I get it. I was a dummy and got lost in the sauce. **** the paint, I was in agony pain! **** these feelings and **** healing.

Crystal was dope, she helped me cope. How does that slogan go?

DRUGS, NOT HUGS!

You know which one, the one they had you pledge you’ll stay “drug free,” they had you wear a red ribbon on your wrist for a ******* week.

I’m so angry, why did I feel so lonely? I missed my sixteenth birthday. I was grounded cuz my mom found my piece.

It was pink.

I hate pink.

It didn’t matter, not for crystal, not for me. I was at peace, twisting the pookie!

The smell of aerosol flowing through my brain,
I like to paint,
Spraying on the walls,
Was the only thing to keep me from falling apart.
I walked in the rain; I walked in the heatwaves.
I don’t play, I splattered on pavements.
I have no crew, they call those, the ones.
BIG.A oner
It was never about street cred.
I am an artist, that's what I repped.
Rode the 460 bus, all the way to LA.
That’s where I met, ‘what's her face’?
Anyways, forget her.
You ever had a dream you didn’t wanna wake up from?
Ever felt like you were up in the sky, on cloud nine?
Maybe it’s just me; I’ve been working on this piece since 12:03?
I think???
The one part I hated, getting high off these paintings.
Trust me, never intentionally
I love that about me thank you borderline, for the personality of creativity!
Don’t get lost in the sauce.
‘What’s her face’ called; she said she’ll meet me at the same spot.
I like to paint,
I loved getting lost...