In my past my fears have gotten the best of me on occasion, but I swear I would face all my fears for you, if you gave me the chance.

There's light at the end of the tunnel.

After all this time in the dark, my mind might be playing tricks on me.

The golden glow that, even from this distance seems so warm and clean,

could very well be a mirage.

Real or fake it's beautiful,

And im running as fast as I can in that direction.

See you on the other side.

I think of you less now, if you could believe that.

I still see you in poetry and in music and in art and the little habits I learned from you, and in food and in snails,

The list goes on but it really does happen less often now, and when it does im much less confused. Much more capable.

When this was all very fresh a friend of mine told me a day would come where, there wouldn't be the same pain anymore. Like an old bruise fading from a deep purple to a sickly yellow. Still tender and ugly, but dull and familiar.
    And that the dulling of that pain, the yellowing of that bruise as it heals comes with its own painful realization. The realization that we've grown so far apart from each other I don't even hurt for you anymore. At least not the same.

Its a type of magic really,

The way your gaze could hold me like a straight jacket.

Those clever marbles,

The piercing, calm blue of a winter morning sky.

What have they seen?

Id sit and listen to you tell me till you decided you were done,

Id lap up every bit of your story you offered me,

And never have my fill.

The pile of black paper butterflies in the center of the table grew ever larger,

Seeming some sort of monument to the night.

By the end it was a wave, big enough to send me rolling,

But I'll find my footing and I'll keep moving forward.

I hate you so much.

I hate you I swear I hate you.

I hate you for your double standards and your venomous outbursts,

I hate you for the way that you made me feel so whole,

I hate you for your dark curls and your subtle lisp,

I hate you for the days you made my life a movie,

For the days you made my life feel small and unimportant,

For the pedestal I drug around for you,

For your soft skin and loving eyes,

I hate you for the way everyone likes you effortlessly,

I hate you for how you left me,

I hate you.

I hate you so much it hurts me.

I hate you so much for making me hate you.

I hate you for the days I cried at the thought of us as old people, still by each others side,

I hate you for the days you made me feel so special,

I hate you for every beautiful second of those 7 years.

I hate you and I hope that you're living well, sleeping well, eating well. I hope you're loved. I know you are.

To tell the truth im absolutely miserable and not worthy of a shred of pity.

You prepared us a bowl of the tender juicy flesh,

Wet to the touch and the warmest orange hue,

I've always enjoyed cantaloupe, even as a kid it was a favorite of mine.

We agreed this was one of the best either of us had ever had and ate each morsel.

Each chunk melting in my mouth as if willingly being eaten.

The way id willingly melt in your mouth if it was your wish,

I'll never look at cantaloupe the same.