They say to respect our elders
But they don't respect the trees hundreds of years old
Tall in the sky
Watching all of us

They say to respect our elders
Yet
They don't respect our mother earth who
Aged rather beautifully
Billions of years more than them

I used to be filled
With such intense emotions
Every day
A tear and a smile
Filled the jar

It was filled with anger and sorrow
But also filled with beauty and color
It was like stepping on sharp rocks in a beautiful sea of blue

Now the water has been drained
And the rocks made into sand that just sticks uncomfortably to me

I do not miss the pain
Bruises on my feet,
Blood making a pool of self-hate on my hands,
Or do I?

I think I just miss the ocean water
I long for the light of the sun reflecting on it
And the creatures that call it home

I feel that the sea has been emptied
And so has my soul...

I know I can't stop taking the little pill
That just keeps increasing in size
But I don't know how much longer I can take it

I don't know how much longer I can stand in the this big hole that was once the ocean

When I'm not escaping
In my social media, walks, books, art, music, or poetry
I am thinking
But thoughts are dangerous and scary
So I'll stick to escaping
And when I'm forced to look up
Into the scary world
I will use it as inspiration
And I will try to make it less scary for those who haven't found their best escape yet
And for those like me
Reluctantly looking up

Even now
Many many years later
I still feel like the 2nd grader who sat under the slide and carved shapes into the mulch during recess
Sitting there
Watching everyone be normal
And just thinking thoughts

Even the brightest stars
Will explode
One day

Even the sky
Needs to scream and cry
Sometimes

Even the most beautiful poem
Will one day be forgotten
Even if that's
When we reach oblivion

You're allowed too
Don't feel bad

I like to believe
That even the loneliest and least understood people
Have a star in the sky
That listens as much as you need
Gets you
And loves you

This star
Is just yours

Since you're basically one
When you hug yourself
It's like the star is hugging you
Wrapping it's brightness so tight
The darkness barely even leaks out

When the world *****
When you die
When you change
And when you cry
The star cares for you

Even in daylight
It's hiding there

Even when the star sees all the you do from up above
It loves you
And tries to help you
You just have to listen to the silence
And you maybe
Just maybe
Won't feel so alone anymore

Everything that goes up
Goes down

Everything that begins
Ends

Everything that lives
Dies

So what's the point of anything?
Or
So what's the point of everything!!?
At the very least
That's your choice

And I feel like I can't stand anyone
Except a few people
Who I love so deeply

No one touch me
Except I'll cry when they can't or don't hug me

No one ask me how I'm doing
Except for them
Who I'll spill out all my feelings
And we'll arrange them together
Into neat little piles
That'll all melt and mix together
Turning into love

But please
Everyone just leave me alone
But not alone alone
Just with them
Because to be honest I can't stand being the kind of alone I am
When there are some people like them out there

I know I am lucky for it
These experiences people my age don't get
Traveling and performing
Playing my instrument
But they don't really know how it is
At home
Scales and metronomes
Haunting me in my sleep
Playing and practicing for my audition
All while crying
Tears rolling down my cheeks as I crescendo
A little sob escapes
During the half rest

I love music
But It shouldn't be this stressful
It's fun when I play with my band
But not alone with my mom
While she's telling me to play that measure again and again
Until I get it right
But I don't really care about that scale
I want to play for fun

When some think of falling
They can't help but think of flying

And when some think of flying
They can't help but think of falling

When it rains
Little branches get wet
And droplets form on them
Not falling
Just waiting to drop
Some want it
Want to fall to this puddle from which there is no return
And some love it up there

They will drop though
That's for sure

Will they be shaken accidentally by a girl taking a walk?
Will the water build up so much
And they aren't strong enough?
Will they evaporate?

They will all fall
Eventually

Is that comforting?
Sad?
Is it crazy?

Every time you got better
I would make a mistake
I would think it might last
I would think maybe
Maybe this time it would stick
It was only false hope

Time and time again
The "new you"
Never lasted
In an unexpected instant
You switched back
Just when I thought you changed
False hope

I would rather never hope
Than have my heart crushed every time

"you need a father in your life"
He shouted at me

"Exactly" I say, choking back tears

Fathers
Bizzare creatures they are
For most
They cause pain and suffering
And for the lucky some
They hold your hand in hard times
Sing to you lullabies
Make your mother happy,
Not the reason she cries
They help you with your homework
And they work hard
They can control their anger
Raise their kid
Be responsible
Be kind
Care
Try
Respect that you are adolescents
And most of all
BE YOUR PARENT

Fathers
Bizzare creatures they are
I know that some are good
Which I admit
Gives me jealousy

Do you know that feeling(less)
Where you feel all the emotions at once
But yet
Feel none at all

Like you can't cry
But are choking back tears

Like you never want to open your mouth
But you do want to scream

And like you want to curl up and die
But also get out of the house and live?

A blue jay perches
Watches the autumn leaves fall--
And stays there alone

Your parent is waking you up
“Five more minutes!” You plead
And now all you want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep
The warmth of the blanket
The peace that comes with the dark
The calmness of your heart
In bed that very last night, none of this you saw
You saw monsters under your bed
Monsters living in your head
The blanket was too warm
Your pillow covers in tears
Only in the morning do you think this would please
In your head all would be solved
Five minutes and all problems
–****, gone!

There once was a flock of birds
All turquoise with yellow beaks
Flying together
In a V

They like to decide things
Like how to sing
how to flap your wings

Sometimes this flock
Makes some mistakes though
Like saying the only way to soar
Is throughout sideways flying
Even when some can't do it

Some birds try
And they fall

And now they're on the ground
Feeling alone and scared
Afraid they'll fly back up wrong
To get back in the V

The lucky ones
Find others who fell
And let the ones who want to fly upside down
The ones who fly straight
Backwards
Or even walk with their legs on thin air
Do their thing

They soar up
And they fly free
Together
In their own way

Why does having food in my stomach
Feel like I failed

"Forgive and forget"
They say

But I will not forget
Not because I want to remember
But because otherwise
I would get hurt over and over again
Like a moth going to a lamp
Bumping into it expecting the sun
But only being greeted
with a hard slap of glass
Over and over again

"Forgive and forget"
They say

I will try to forgive
Not because what was done was forgiveable
But because otherwise
The hurt and anger would be like rocks I had to carry in my heart constantly
I didn't even have a bag
My arms got tired
And sometimes they would all fall

"Forgive and forget"
They say

They don't understand

Dear, if you are cold
I will knit you a sweater
From every strand of my heart

Dear, if you are scared
I will knit another one for the monsters in your head
And together we'll hope
That the warmth will help to make the wounds hurt a little less for them
So they won't have to squeeze as hard
And they can just gently hold your hand

And then maybe
We can all hold hands together
Watch the world
And do nothing but be alive

My dear friend, if you feel like you're poetry
And the world doesn't even know their letters
I will write a book with you
From the pages of soul

Dear, if you feel alone
I'll show you that book
So you'll finally know

Will you knit a sweater for my monsters?

For the next two days
I'll be off and away
In the middle of nowhere
Where no one wants to be

For the next two days
I'll have no electronics
And that means no phone
And that means, I won't be on here

For the next two days
I hope you all can forgive me
For I will be forced to take a break

I found my old diary
And some letters I made to my future self years ago in it
I cried
I wish I could hug her
And thank her
I'll be doing this every year

I thought I'd never do it
That I was the only one in the universe like me
By I think I've finally found my tribe
And I think I've finally found my reason to keep going

Ever since I was little I always knew that I had a soul to fragile for this world
I felt so much
So deeply
All the time

And everyone else just wanted things light
Constantly
But all the things they looked at as light
I saw my through
And felt as heavy

Maybe that's why I don't have all that many friends
Most people want things joyful all the time
And I can't help but even find darkness in that very thought
And so I collapse
Because that darkness swallows me
And everyone just thinks to themselves
"There's something seriously wrong with her"
And they're right

"And I notice you go like this a lot"
He says
He's demonstrating the pinching and slapping of my arm I frequently do
I thought no one noticed...
But he did

Tears roll down my cheeks
I'm so grateful
So lucky
And then I notice he's writing something down
And I hear him talking about a plan
A plan to train my dog to help me
He's going to do it

Someone I know
Would do that

Someone that knows my flaws
Traumas
Scars
Would do that

And for the next 30 minutes
I just sit there
Wiping off my tears as they come
Wondering how I got so lucky
Wondering how I survived before
And I wish he was there in person
Not just over call
Because I wanted to run up to him
And give him the biggest hug

He said I deserved one
I cried then too
I sobbed
He has no idea how much he means
How I would climb to the moon
To make him smile

And he says he hates his body
He says he looks like a girl
But I just look at him and wonder how anyone could hate that
How could anyone hate that?
But I can't say anything
Because everyone will start their chants
"Liana and __ sitting in a tree..."

And yes it's kind of pathetic
I only have one person in my state I feel comfortable calling
Only one I want to talk to
But I couldn't ask for anyone better
Because he's everything wonderful left in this world
And I can not thank him enough
For even just existing
And giving a **** about me

You think that you are happy by yourself
Until you make wonderful friends
Then you can't stand to be alone again
But to make those friends
Is the tricky part
And it can be a lot more than tricky
So best of luck
I believe you will figure it out in the end

When I go to the airport
I always wear a funny shirt
Because waiting in line is so dull
And I want to make someone smile
Maybe get a laugh
Maybe make a friend
Maybe make a day

I want to know what I'm in for

Calling because you want to **** yourself and are in a terrible mood
Or
Calling because you are in a good mood and want to make my day hard?

Did you get me giant toaster that I don't want
Or
Or is there a favor you need?

When is ask you how you are
Will you get mad at me for asking
Or
Will you answer "Good"
Either way
You won't ask back
Because you don't care

All I wish
Is that it won't be a gamble
Anymore

Good or bad
I don't care

And after years of abuse
I'm still the one ending up feeling guilty
And wondering if he was right
And this was all just in my head

I just changed my HP description thing
From female to gender questioning
I don’t know why the hell that’s so scary
But yesterday
I really did not feel like a girl

Pinching my arm
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't let them see
Ow
Not enough
Don't cry
Don't cry
Pinch
Harder
Harder
Something interrupts me

"You okay?"
She asked
Didn't believe me when I said I was
She wrapped her arm around me
It fell at my waist
She held it
As if to say "It's okay now, I've got you"
Gently
Finally someone gentle

Room dark
Only midnight
I usually wait a few hours to sleep
But it was different
I didn't need to do anything
I could just be there
Let myself be held

For the first few minutes
I was tense
Thinking about how sleep seemed so far
And how the monsters were too close
But then I realized
I was okay now
I can exist in someone's arms

No one was trying to hurt me
But it was hard to believe at first
For the only touch I know is aggressive
Angry
But this one was safe
And I just let myself be there
By the end
I just enjoyed the fact someone cared
Someone didn't hate me
At least enough to be so close

This wasn't threatening
This was safe
This was kind
This was gentle

"give"
They say
And I have
But I can't anymore
All I have left
Is hurt
And my shattered pieces
I refuse to make them bleed

I'm so ******* sorry I'm so broken

Today
I am going back home
After a month
Of being on road
I really don't want to go
At home I feel so alone
Waiting for me is my nearly empty house
The hundreds of people I see daily that I don't care for
Don't talk to
Make me feel as small as a mouse
Waiting for me is my toddler of father
And the endless hours of work
All of the peace in my mind
Lit up by a torch
Waiting for me are the sleepless nights
Oh how ill miss performing and the people I met
The kindness that often cannot be found in my town in America
I don't want to go home

We laughed
Until we couldn't breathe
Not even knowing
What in the world
Was so funny
It was wonderful

Good night dear stranger
I hope you manage to close your eyes
And your mind won't start it's terrifying show and tell

Good night dear stranger
I hope you can take a breathe
And breathe in the air from a place you feel safe
And breathe out all of the memories from times you weren't

Good night dear stranger
I hope the darkness doesn't resemble your mind
And that your thoughts about yourself are kind

Good night dear stranger
I hope you dream sweet dreams
And that you wake up
Still feeling that peace
And not like you're in a living nightmare

It's crazy to me
How one day
You can go to a crate
Say "this one"
And you'll have 15 years
Of joy
Just like that

Pure happiness
In a being







Until one day





















They die

I know I am lucky though
To have something so great
That I would grieve for

I called them "grown ups"
Until I was old enough to realize
That some of them didn't grow up

From my experience
Mostly for bad
But sometimes for good

I refuse to laugh
Just because that's what they do
I'll just observe leaves

The halls swallow me
Luckily I don't notice
Thanks to my music

I always knew
That he wasn't really normal
I mean Penny’s dad never yelled
Or cried
Or switched all the time
But I didn't really obsess over it
Until I was around eight-maybe nine
Memories of the day
And the sound of his sobbing passing through the thin walls
Kept me awake

I did what they warn us not to do
I took my phone
And Googled
His problems
His symptoms
The things that I had to suffer from

There were too many questions
I needed answers
I needed solutions

Here, ruining each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of his hand
Nobody can, deny that he's not okay

There, manipulating all that he can
Both of us thinking how the other one's crazy
Someone has to be
But he doesn't know what he's doing

I want to be left alone
And he's beside me
I know i'll be choking back tears
But to have him as my father is painful
Knowing that he'll never care
Always believing that he is the victim
Getting hurt all the time
And hoping I'll always be there

I want to be left alone
And he's beside me
I know i'll be choking back tears
But to have him as my father is painful
Knowing that he'll never care
Always getting defensive over every little thing
Except for his mistakes
Hoping I'll stay right there

And it makes me sad to say
I see him there, and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

Hope sure is a heartbreaker
A beautiful creature, with her eyes of gold and daisies in her hair
Holding your life's happiness in the palm of her hand
Just out of reach
Saying "your almost there!"
Even though she runs away from you as you run to her
(In her graceful run)
And when your getting there
She throws them
In an endless pit
They are swallowed whole

She said she wouldn't do that
She promised she'd give them to you
She said those dreams would come soon
And that shed never betray you
She lied

She left you there
Heartbroken
To sob
And wonder why

In my head
I have this mantra
For anytime I feel uncomfortable
Or sad
Or just plain bad

I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home

The saddest part
Is that I say it in my own house

How can a world of
Hugging good books
Walking and listening to music
Dancing in the rain
Collecting shells at the beach and leaves in autumn
Helping someone get through an anxiety attack
Just smiling when there's nothing to say

Also have

Crying yourself to sleep at night
Sitting alone at lunch
Parents who aren't supportive of who their kids are
Parents that mentally insane and not good to be around
Ones that aren't even there
Homelessness
poverty
And war