My picked thumbs
Bleeding
In such throbbing pain
But I'm sorry I missed a detail in your funny story
When you wanted to speak
Anyhow
You didn't notice

IwishIcouldhugthemallofthepeoplewhoeverhadtofeelthisawfulawfulfee­lingoflonelinessandunwillingnesstomoveortalkoropentheireyes Iwanttotellthemthatit'sokaythey'reokaythey'renotalonetheyaren'tth­eonlypersonhavingapanicattackinthebathroomtheyweren'tthe onlyoneswhofeelthisbadandIwanttoheartheir storiesandIwantthemtohearmineIwishwecouldallgotoafarawaylandawayf­arfromtheruinersoflivesandthethingsthatmakeyouwanttocommitsuicide­Iwanttotellthemthey'renottheonlyoneswhofeelthekeyboardintheirmind­isglitchingmakingnopunctuationorspaceforabreakfromthought

Alone
Alone
Alone
I think I’m going crazy
Talking to myself
Questioning if I’m even alive
Hurting myself to see if I can even feel
Alone
Alone
Alone
Me and the sound of the air conditioner buzzing
Me and my million thoughts that all drown each other out
And it’s summer
I’m supposed to be happy
But I’m broken
Broken and
Alone
Alone
Alone
I just want someone to answer the **** phone
And I’m just so ******* sad
So so sad
And when people are sad they’re supposed to ******* cry
But my eyes are dry
Dry and sad
Sad and
Alone
Alone
Alone
I wanna see red pour down my body
The color to make me feel alive
Vibrant unlike my head which seems grey
Grey grey grey
Did you know grey is my least favorite color?
It feels so empty
Empty and
Alone
Alone
Alone
Like me
I’m my least favorite too
And I just slapped myself
My cheeks burn
And I want someone to reach out and stop me
But no
I’m just so utterly
Alone
Alone
Alone

I have the urge to be one of the poetic person the universe has seen;
To show up to somebody's house unannounced with their favorite flowers and poems and chocolates so we can kiss in the rain and so we can talk about the very fact that despite the odds being against us, we both live in the same world at the same time

I want to send long handwritten letters
Ask what their love language is
Hold everyone's hand
And make sure everyone knows that my shoulder is theirs to lean on

I want to walk up a stranger who looks like someone Id want to be friends with
And ask to be penpals

I want to send people every song that reminds me of them
And write them poems about the conversations we had

I want to write all over bathroom stalls
To make every person feel so so loved
And ever so precious

Why is that so strange in our modern day world?

I don't wake up in time
My mom is yelling at me
Loudly
But she doesn't even notice what she's doing
Or she doesn't care

I can't be yelled at by her
My eyes are beginning to water
My chest is getting tight
My tired cold body gets tense
I can't go to school like this
Not now at least

"Mom, can I go to school a bit late today?"
"No"
She says
She yells some more
I still think she doesn't know that she's yelling
"Mom, you're yelling"
I say calmly as tears leak out of my tired eyes
All I hear is anger and
Disappointment because her daughter is acting like someone her age and not someone who seems especially mature

"Liana, if you need to go to school late
You need professional help"

She means a psych ward
And I know it

No, no, no
Fear spreads through me like a virus
It takes control
It makes me power off
My screen is glitching
I don't work anymore

If I want to act like someone my age who got 3 hours of sleep I need to go to a mental hospital where I won't go to school at all?

As I get up out of bed
Run to the bathroom
To cry

I brush my teeth
Wash my face from the tears
But new ones spill out
They won't stop coming
It's a thunderstorm
It's been brewing for a while

Come back to my room
My mom in there doing something
I step into my closet to change

What am I doing?
She's your mother
she's your sane parent.
So many would wish for one like her
I think

After arguing
Crying
Explaining
She says
"I'll take you to school after my shower"
And now I'm writing

I can't go to school like this
I'm a thin plate
Just waiting to break
And school likes throwing things like me
So I'll split into a million little pieces
And maybe never put me back together

"I don't deserve anything"
She says
Tears pouring down her cheeks
Like little pieces of her soul

Were they claustrophobic
Or is there a hole where they should be now?

"You deserve everything
That's just Fred"
I tell her while caressing her back
Trying desperately to soothe the pain

"What?"
She says with a break in her voice that hurts to hear
I wish I could all of her's

"Fred is that monster in your head that tells you exactly what you don't need to hear"

"I hate Fred
And I hate me"
She says
I hear the desperation in her voice

"You're my friend
And I love you
Which means that I have to love Fred too
Because he is a part of you

Fred is just pain
He's often forced into these small nooks and cranny's in your mind
But it's dark and scary in there
He thinks he's helping you
And feels he has to come out sometimes

He's just bruised and broken
And that's fine
We all are
I still love you"

She says that she doesn't
She says she wants to die
I know how the world looks right now in her eyes
And it's not beautiful

I tell her that I'm there for her always
And that she's wonderful
That the world is awful and ugly
But also stunning

I tell her that those people don't know her
And that those words in that letter might have hurt her
But do not define her
And that some other ones might even comfort her

And after many more tears,
A coconut ice cream,
Some comfort food with a comfort show,
And a warm embrace,
Fred finally held her hand
And maybe,
She hated him a bit less
By the end

Dear, if you are cold
I will knit you a sweater
From every strand of my heart

Dear, if you are scared
I will knit another one for the monsters in your head
And together we'll hope
That the warmth will help to make the wounds hurt a little less for them
So they won't have to squeeze as hard
And they can just gently hold your hand

And then maybe
We can all hold hands together
Watch the world
And do nothing but be alive

My dear friend, if you feel like you're poetry
And the world doesn't even know their letters
I will write a book with you
From the pages of soul

Dear, if you feel alone
I'll show you that book
So you'll finally know

Will you knit a sweater for my monsters?

I remember one night
As clear as day

It all started when I watched a movie
The dog has died
And it reminded me of mine

I let myself sob
I knew my mom would only come back late
And my dad wasn't truly there

So I cried and cried
Distracted myself by watching more
And cried again

When she got back
She came with me in bed
As I sobbed


Soon enough
She said "it's time to sleep!"
And that's when I realized
I couldn't stop to weep
And it wasn't just that
I couldn't breath
I was shaking
I realized
It was a full blown panic attack

Unable to stop
Already 3am
My mom not knowing what to do anymore
She said "If you don't stop
I'll have to take you to the hospital"

A nightmare

Scared out of my mind
Knowing that's the last thing I wanted
I went to the bathroom
And took a cold shower

It was cold
And miserable
I hated it so
But after collecting myself a bit
I was able to sleep
A terrible sleep though


I've had nights
Feeling so physically ill
But I know
Nothing will ever
Compare to that night

I was only like 9
But I'm telling you
I was so ready to just crumble up
And die

.

      My                            I’m
   Cat is                         Lucky
  My baby.                   To have
And I will                 Such a good
Always love him a, loving, adorable,
Comforting, and amazing cat. He
  has been there for me ever since
    I remember. I am dreading the
     Day he dies. He was there to
         Comfort me for the death
           Of my two dogs. Love
                  Him endlessly.
                 Yes, he’s crazy

             Yes, he's steals food

           Yes, he scratches his skin

         Yes, he stinks up the house    

    But honestly it doesn't matter to me

None of that matters to me at all because

He realizes I’m crying and comes to make
  Sure I’m okay

    He brings me very  suspicious presents

        He makes me laugh on bad days

                      He is my friend

                               He is my
                               Crazy,
                              Amiable,
                   ­             Cute,
                                Bright,
      ­                          Loyal,
  Cat                         Lively,
  Brave                  Witty,
     And              Charm-
         Caring,       Ing,
                  Loving,

There are so many things I need to get done
And there is both too much time that I feel I can delay it
And not enough to get it done

Suicide
Parents dying
Crying
Crying
Crying

We're too young for this

Scissors cutting into skin
Not eating or eating too much
Kids raising parents

We're too young for this

Panic attacks
Everlasting loneliness
I pull off skin
They pull out hair

We're too young for this

Body dysmorphia eating so many alive
Social media getting them addicted and ruining their limited time
Feeling empty inside

We're too young for this

Psych wards
Abuse
People killed from war
War is old but it continues to destroy homes

We're too young for this

Sleepless nights
Death is a joke now
And so is autism

We're too young for this

Drug prevention lessons every week
It started in 6th grade
They don't help though at all

We're too young for this

Barely even teens
What happened to us?

I don't know how it will be
I fear it will be hard for me
I know it's anxiety filling to act socially

Thinking of topics for conversation
For small talk is exhausting
What to do?
How to act?
How open to be?
I fear that those nights
Will be ones without sleep

I want an idea
Of the way things will work
I find it hard to picture

Its been months
And I know I was so vulnerable
When she last saw me
The places we were
Brought back such terrible, terrible, memories

I want to be lighter
And more fun to be around

This time I plan to eat
And maybe hide my hands a bit more
But it's hard
When you have to play trumpet with them
And she's observant
I'm not used to that either

Of course
Sometimes I feel cursed
Because of my mother's job
For she plays music
Professionally
She plays trombone

Never a routine
Always schedule based on shows

No sleep
The gig ends at 2am and there's a flight to catch at 4

No social interaction
With anyone my age

And pressure
To be a talented musician

But also
I think it's worth it for

The moment I watch her solo
Go crazy and show her soul
I get to think to myself
"****, that's my mom out there!"

I get to play on stage
Big audiences watching
Or more
Listening

Meeting people
From all over the world
With so many stories to share

And see her
Be a role model
For young girls who really want to be like her

I remember a teacher telling my mother
That I was
"One sweet cookie"
And she was right

My father was the scorching tea

He grabbed from my comfortable bag
Loved me in his
"Unique way"
Left me soft
Feeling like it was finally olay
Then
Took a big bite
With his ***** mouth
And broke me

And after all of that
He thinks he can just buy a new pack

How wrong
Can he be...

I do believe in ghosts
But I don't think they need to be dead
To cause fear
And horror stories

They can make things happen
That should never happen
And make people see things
That they shouldn't see
Even when they're breathing
And their heart is pumping their cold blood

I do believe in ghosts
But they don't haunt houses
They haunt minds

They screech open the doors
To anxiety and panic
Making a terrible noise
In my heart

You feel as if they're in the halls of your very being
Watching you
Maybe even controlling you
Whispering loud enough
So that only you can hear

I do believe in ghosts
But I don't think that they can walk through walls
Because people right next door
Have never seen the same ghost that haunts me
They can only hear
Pleas
And screams
When it jumps at me

I do believe in ghosts
Because I have one
That haunts me

Doctor said
I just need rest

Came back a year later
Still messed up in the head

Doctor said
Just drink more water

Came back two years later
After I took a test and it said I was depressed

Doctor said
I'd be fine
I just needed a therapist

Came back one year later
After 4 of them
Not feeling the best

Doctor finally said
There's a problem
And set me up with a psychiatrist
To give me meds

I hope I won't need to come back again

Even now
Many many years later
I still feel like the 2nd grader who sat under the slide and carved shapes into the mulch during recess
Sitting there
Watching everyone be normal
And just thinking thoughts

In and out
Out and in
Trying to catch my breath
Stop my momentary calm from flying away
But they escape me

I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I tell myself
But I can't breathe
And tears are rolling down my cheeks
I don't feel that way at all

My head will explode soon
Or collapse in on itself
I don't know what to do
And this was all just caused by living
And doing the simple things it requires
Why can't I seem to do them?
I everyone else do it
It shouldn't be this hard

I can't breathe

Help
But don't look at me
Hear me
Or tell me lies
Actually
Just go away

Fathers
Bizzare creatures they are
For most
They cause pain and suffering
And for the lucky some
They hold your hand in hard times
Sing to you lullabies
Make your mother happy,
Not the reason she cries
They help you with your homework
And they work hard
They can control their anger
Raise their kid
Be responsible
Be kind
Care
Try
Respect that you are adolescents
And most of all
BE YOUR PARENT

Fathers
Bizzare creatures they are
I know that some are good
Which I admit
Gives me jealousy

I could like whatever I wanted to like

My dad got upset as he always did
Usually something unpleasant for me
Until I decided that it was simply funny
And that I got a kick out of it
And though this was not true
It helped a bit


It was raining and I was walking home from school
Soaked and miserable
Until I decided I liked to walk in the rain
And the rest of the walk went by
---no pain!


I had tripped and fell
Bleeding and trying not to cry
Until I decided that people just decided that pain was a bad thing
So I told myself that I enjoyed it
And it helped a bit

You say good day sunshine

I say bad day and now it's nighttime

I still have so much to get done
And I'm angry
At myself
My teachers
My "friends"
My "dad"
And the world

I am here on earth
Technically

I am in my mind though constantly
And that's the reality

Unfortunately
Being in your head
When it clearly hates you
Is exhausting

The overthinking
Doubting
Repeating that same words over and over again
Guilt for things you didn't do
Morbid thoughts about someone killing your family
Intrusive thoughts about stepping on to the road

"They're not realistic"
You tell yourself
But still inside believe that they could be



It's like if you always were eating the same food
Everyday
Every second
And you don't like it
It makes you feel sick

I feel sick
All
The
Time

Both mentally
And physically

Please release me from my head
My hands hurt from trying to break the bars
But don't do it like I do
Where I end up kind of not feeling anything at all

"Is this because you are a part of me?"
I wonder
Maybe
Maybe not

In my head
I have this mantra
For anytime I feel uncomfortable
Or sad
Or just plain bad

I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home

The saddest part
Is that I say it in my own house

Too many things to get done
They overflow my brain
Made me feel like I need to punch something
And walk
Walk far far away

I tell my mother
And plead
I know it's late
But I need this for me

She says
"Max four blocks"

I seem to teleport outside
It couldn't take a shorter amount of time for me to leave

I walk
Blast my music
And I take off my jacket
Even though it's cold
Even though it makes me shiver
I need to feel something
Even if that's all it is


Music intensifies
I want to run
And I'm done holding back
Acting normal
Acting calm
So I run
As fast as I can
Hands in the air
With the occasional spin

What a powerful feeling
The night is mine
The sky is on my side
And I can run

I smile
The most genuine smile
In weeks
Maybe months
While I cry

I
Feel
Alive

For the first time
In what feels like forever

When I see my bleeding skin
I think of you
How you did this too

When I cry
I think of you
How it's your fault

When I see a good father
I think of you
And how I'll never get that too

When I think of that big tree on what used to be my front yard
I think of you
And how you kicked me and my mom out

When I feel depressed and terrible
I think of you
And how you're proof that it doesn't always get better

I hate when people say
"No one asked"
It makes whoever it is said to
Just feel so bad
For trying to share whatever they wanted to share
To the world
Why are people so cold?

I hate when people say
"No one cares"
How is it a thing
Said so casually in conversation?
What if it's someone's greatest fear?
And then they get told that
For talking
Like that helps anything
Or anyone
Ever

So if anyone says this
I'll just give them a glare
And I'll say to the victim
"They should speak for themselves because I'm listening
And I care"

Step one:
Roll up your sleeves so they won't get wet because of you

Step two:
Wash your hands

I look up at the ceiling fan
The brownish red wood of the five blades
Three bulbs shining down on me

It looks perfectly clean
Even kind of happy

Then I look at the other side of those blades
And I see dust
Grayness piling over eachother
On the other side of those blades
Is the silent suffering
Sometimes spilling over the edges
Though barely visible

If you don't look closely
You might have no idea
Plus, it doesn't really matter
It still fans you
And helps you feel good


Do you ever feel like the fan?
Or are you a person in this situation?
What do you notice?

I would prefer
That he would seem completely
Bad

But I got a really confusing mix
That makes me head go crazy

He knows how to manipulate
Without seeming manipulative

Word things
So that you can't say no

And tell you untrue statements
Until you feel you don't even know what you know

But he does it in a way
That looks ever so innocent

He does it in a way that looks as if
he's in the right
Like the victim to an unheard of crime

It confuses me
And though I know he's wrong
And that he lies
It messes up my mind
All the time

I would prefer
That he would look completely
Bad
Than whatever this is

Airports are so interesting
Everyone is going somewhere

But some are going to funerals
Some baby showers

Some to visit their families for a couple days
And some forever

Some waiting for them is only their dog
Some a whole big family just waiting to give them a hug

Some get picked up or dropped off by strangers
Because they have no family left

Some get picked up by their parents
Which some love a lot
Or love less

Probably
Someone will die in their trip

Probably
Someone will have their baby
And maybe they'll be good parents
Or maybe not

Is it just me,
that finds this fascinating?

Lying in bed
It's morning now
I don't remember falling asleep
I never do
I just have to believed it happened

Yesterday is gone
Like my rest
But my dog is still lying next to me
Warm
And comforting

Ba-doom
Ba-doom
Her heartbeat is constant
It reminds me that I too am alive
Can she hear mine?

Tired
Forgot to shut off my alarm
My eyes are closing once again
I am being taken over by sleep
Slowly
And then all at once
I remember a book that once compared it to love

Next thing I know it I am awake again
Don't remember falling asleep
It very well could have been millions of years and my memory could have been erased
Whatever though

I look to the right to my mirror
My hair is a mess
More than the usual curly bird's-nest

Lying in bed
But this time
Calmly
Not crying
Or wishing for sleep
Of course my head still overflowing
It always is

But I
I stare at the ceiling
...
Peace

The noise and messyness of life
Surrounding me constantly
I've learned to think in verse

The
Breaks
Between
The
Lines
Help
Me
So

To think in verse
oh
It is so not a curse

It makes the simplest things
Seem fascinating
And the biggest things
Less scary

Thinking in verse
Makes me merry

Ideas floating through my head
Making it less haunting for me when I'm in bed

I've learned to think in verse
It gives me such perspective

I've learned to think in verse
Making my thoughts branch out
And out
Into something crazy

I learned to think in verse
And it might be because my free time
Is poetry immersed

In and out
And out and in
Poetry made
And
Poetry forgotten

Thinking in verse
Pulls me away
And toward
This beautiful and treacherous world

Thoughtswhat'sarewrongpilingwithover,mystopheadnow

We were at a dinner table
Yes a dinner table
It's crazy
And as I sat there laughing
My heart felt a sharp pain looking around;
Two kids
A mom
A dad
They called eachother babe
They loved eachother

And I know things are so far from perfect there too
But at that moment I wished that would be my life
But then they drove me back home
To my empty house
Where I cried alone

I don't know what I did to deserve this

I love
The idea
Of thanksgiving
It's a holiday
To be grateful and eat good food
But I hate
How my dinner
Will just be two people
Who ordered takeout
Because the rest of the family
Is dead
Mad
Or thousands of miles away

That first night
When I lost him
I went to my backyard
Looked up at the stars
Picked one and decided
That was my dog Sandy

On my hands and knees
I cried to it hours
Outside in the cold
Asking why he left me
To face this world
Alone

I told him
How id never forgive him
But please come back
I miss you so much
It's all I ask

I made sure he knew
That I was sorry I didn't walk him that day
That I wish he would be there on my bed
Lying next to me
That I miss his bad breath
And even his high-pitched barks

My mom comes to get me
Also in tears
"What can I do?"
She asks
"Bring him back"
I answer

And now
Whenever I miss him
I pick a star
And using my mind
I talk to him again
Knowing that he doesn't actually hear me
But still taking comfort in it

Ouch
It's so **** painful

I don't know what to do
With the pain

I don't know what to do
With the knowledge that I did it to myself

My thumbs bleeding
Throbbing as if my heart was right in there
Yelling at me
Judging me for what I did

The worst part
Is the next time I'll see a bump
I'll just do it all over again
Until it scars my heart and my body forever

I feel guilty
But I know it's mostly his fault
I got it from him
He gave it to me
I know he doesn't notice
Or worse
He doesn't care how he impacts me

But all I can feel now is
Ouch
Outside and in

Everything that goes up
Goes down

Everything that begins
Ends

Everything that lives
Dies

So what's the point of anything?
Or
So what's the point of everything!!?
At the very least
That's your choice

Maybe I'm so used
To the oblivious
That it's strange for me
To see the people who notice
And care

Is that why
When you asked me questions
I froze?

It's not that I don't want you to know
I just can't believe it
And don't expect it

I just need a moment
To shake it off
Before I tell

I'm sorry
I couldn't answer
I really didn't mean
To make you feel
Like you made me feel uncomfortable

I'm used to the ones
Who don't ask questions
And just ignore
Not the ones
Who think

Its hard for me
To speak about these things
Sorry

Once should have been enough
"Stop
...
Please stop"

I shouldn't have to say it 11 times
I shouldn't have to count
Yell
Or cry
Still to no avail
You're truly blind

"Stop"
It should be enough
To say once

Maybe I shouldn't even have to say it at all
Maybe he should have learned these simple things by now
Nevertheless
I need to

"Stop"
I try

"Stop"
I sob
...
It's in vain

It's not often
That I can't find words for something

Though often
I see them
Except I can't pick them up and order them
There's a glass barrier in the way

When I can't use words
Is when there something big to say

I just need a moment to contemplate
And order my brain
To find the best tool
To smash the glass getting in the way

What do you think it does to a child
When their father tells them
That they're the reason they want to commit

What do you think it does
When they try infront of you
Twice

"Because of you" he shouted
Cursed at me
Calling me a *****
Telling me I was the reason he stepped in to the street

What do you think it does?
Well they don't remain normal do they
They don't want to be put in that situation again
At the very least

For the next two days
I'll be off and away
In the middle of nowhere
Where no one wants to be

For the next two days
I'll have no electronics
And that means no phone
And that means, I won't be on here

For the next two days
I hope you all can forgive me
For I will be forced to take a break

My therapist told me
That you said
You wanted to be friends

She didn't understand how messed up that was

I don't want to be his friend
I don't need my father as a friend
I need him as a parent
And a good one at that

You choose your friends
I don't choose you

You're forced to be someone's child
Like I was to you
Except you want to be my friend
I don't want you

My mom had an escape
She divorced him
And even then
It took her a child
And 25 years

I'm stuck
He's in my bones
There's nothing I can do
Except choose not to be friends with him

I want to be his daughter
And for that he has to be my dad
Thats on him

Step one:
Be an adult

*Failed