Hope sure is a heartbreaker
A beautiful creature, with her eyes of gold and daisies in her hair
Holding your life's happiness in the palm of her hand
Just out of reach
Saying "your almost there!"
Even though she runs away from you as you run to her
(In her graceful run)
And when your getting there
She throws them
In an endless pit
They are swallowed whole

She said she wouldn't do that
She promised she'd give them to you
She said those dreams would come soon
And that shed never betray you
She lied

She left you there
Heartbroken
To sob
And wonder why

Oh no
Tomorrow is monday
Tomorrow is the beginning of the end
Of everything
How I am so supposed to smile with that knowledge?

"I don't know what to do!"
You cry
So I cut some warm carrot cake and make some tea
And we figure it out
If that's crying
Talking
Laughing
Making pro and con lists
Or just sitting their in silence
Eating

"I don't want to think about this right now!"
You cry
So we go outside
And I play some happy music
To dance to in the backyard to
And I make you run because it's hard and makes him not your biggest problem anymore

Oh, but me?
You have no idea what goes on in my mind
Or my life
Never once saw me cry
And you don't ask anything
You never thought to ask why

For I am there for you
And that's all you need it to be
But what about me?
What about when I need to talk, or dance?
Why should I have to do that alone?

Cry
Cry
Cry
"You have had enough time!"
I tell my tears
Though they keep
f
  a
      l
        l
           I
          n
        g


Scream
Scram
Scream
"Just as long as no one hears you"
I whisper to my voice
Though in my mind
All I can hear is
AHH
AHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Smile
Smile
Smile
"Keep it up, but only at the right times"
I tell my mouth
Though sometimes I catch myself

             o        w     n     i
     r                                     n
F                                              g

I hate when people say
"No one asked"
It makes whoever it is said to
Just feel so bad
For trying to share whatever they wanted to share
To the world
Why are people so cold?

I hate when people say
"No one cares"
How is it a thing
Said so casually in conversation?
What if it's someone's greatest fear?
And then they get told that
For talking
Like that helps anything
Or anyone
Ever

So if anyone says this
I'll just give them a glare
And I'll say to the victim
"They should speak for themselves because I'm listening
And I care"

Lying on the bed
My friend sound asleep on the other side
And her cat that runs away from family comes
And lays next to me
Rubbing against me
Asking me to pet her

It makes me feel okay
It makes me feel home

Everything
Is at least
A little bit better

I'm telling you
Cats always know

I breathe anxiety
I cry panic
And I carry bombs just waiting to burst all of it out

My eyes are wide
From every terrible thought that comes to mind

My eyes are filled with tears
From holding them in

My eyes are red
From barely any sleep

And my eyes are tired
Because they have to make it through the day and again

I'm glad it's dark
So no one can see them

They say to live in the moment
Which I admit
Usually is a good thing to do
But for a second now
I want to live in the past
So I can feel like
Everything has worked out
(And this time not for you)
And so I can appreciate how much better things are now
Big- like how we don't live together anymore
And small- How all the plates finally match
Both are good enough

And then I can return to the present
With a more pleasant
Point of view

People
We are like colors
Of different shades
And different materials

Some preferred more than others
But no matter those differences
Together
We make a painting
On this giant canvas
That is our life on earth

And like all art
Some love this messy painting
Abstract and complicated
"Beautiful!"
They exclaim

And some think
"Orange and blue?
What idiot would do that?
I need to tell them that they're wrong
What's their name?"

I look out the window
Of my room
I see the dark night sky
Houses with people making memories inside
Tress
poles of light

I wonder
How many other people
Are like me
Looking outside
Just watching time go by
Maybe they're thinking
And wondering
The same thing
As I

Showing people I know my poetry
Is like taking out my insides
My most vulnerable feelings
And giving them a bow and arrow
Just hoping they won't shoot

It's like leaving a prescious item
In the open
Just waiting to be stolen
Or destroyed
It could happen any moment

Dear Faby,

If you are reading this
I am very mad at you
You promised
You wouldn't look for me on here
I showed you some of my poetry
But all that I was willing to share
The rest is too personal
For your ears

I love you
My dear friend
But please don't continue reading
It's an invasion of my privacy

We laughed
Until we couldn't breathe
Not even knowing
What in the world
Was so funny
It was wonderful

Dear, Monster Of A Being

Hello,
I just wanted to tell you
That I hope
The next time you take a chocolate chip cookie
All the chocolate chips
Turn out to be raisins
I also hope
That your allergic to grapes

You're welcome,
Your Secret Hater

Have you ever had a recurring nightmare?

Every time I appear in a forest
And walk through the door
I know I will not be able to come back out from
I don't want to go in
But I'm not in control
It's a dream
So it happens
And I have to face my doom

Nightmares can be so realistic
I believe
They can also be real

Is that what life is?
Just a really
Really
Realistic nightmare?
We'll never know
And that's the problem with such dreams
We can hope only
That our suffering will end soon

I have always loved words
They have always comforted me

And you
You never have

So I'll just stick to writing
And not going on the terribly scary rollercoaster
That is life with you in it
It makes me throw up constantly

People are so strange

I was messaging one person on here
About some struggles that we both face
It was a pleasant, polite conversation
Very normal if you ask me

He asked me questions
And I answered and asks ones back
Normally

The thing that was weird
Was that when I said my age
(Honestly)
And he saw I was a child
He just said
"Bye bye"

That's okay with me
I don't talk to people who don't want to talk to me
I just didn't know children and adults couldn't have conversations
Oh well
Thanks for educating me

There's a bump there
On my skin
I need to peel it off
It's making mad
I scratch at it
Pinch it
And then rip it off

What have I done?!
I think as blood starts gushing out
I am such pain but I have to keep a straight face

I knew I was doing it
I knew I was picking at it
But then again, I didn't at the same time

I hide my injury
But it hurts terribly
I want to keep it a secret
But it's killing me
I need them to know
So that they can stop me
Because as much as I hate to admit it
I am not in control of me

After it bleeds
It is a scab
And it's taller then the rest of my skin
I need to pick it off
Once again

And when I do
It bleeds again
I am mad once more
At myself
For I did not stop my urge somehow
Like I promised myself I would

And this time
It comes back as a scar
And it taunts me for the rest of my life
A living portrait of my mistake
That gives me a look of judgement
Whenever I dare to glance at it

Sitting on my cozy chair
With my blanket
And on top it it
My cat

It's the first time
I've ever used the fireplace
Since we moved to this house
It's wonderful
I wish to have a fire every night

If only
My mind would be as calm as the fire
And as bright

I could watch the fire forever
It wraps itself around the wood
And they sing together
A beautiful, crackling song
Just hearing it
Makes you calm

Fire is something people yell in their last minutes
And something that eliminates all feelings wrong

It is hypnotizing
But in a way that you still feel in control
It makes you warm
Inside and out
It's sad that it's also a result of drought

Nevertheless,
I could watch it dance
Forever

They "teach" you science at school
But the final goal is to pass the test
So you passively connect things in your head

But you don't enjoy
How it makes you feel so small in such a big world
And how you figure out how things work


They "teach" you English in school
But the final goal is to pass the test
So you have to write the poetry about what they want to hear
(Things you don't believe)

And you don't enjoy
How the words relieve you of stress
Make you connect with characters
And escape yourself


They "teach" you history/social studies in school
But the final goal is to pass the test
So you have to memorize the definitions of words
Without even processing them

And you don't enjoy
All of the things we have done before
And how different and similar we all are


They supposedly teach you in school
But honestly
They just make you hate learning
So even the curious minds
Who want to
Will not feel like it anymore

You don't deserve to be written about
But I deserve to let the anger go
And that's all I can do as of now
So here we are
And you find yourself in another poem of mine

I will be trying to forgive
Not because deserve to be forgiven
You haven't apologized
But because I need that peace in my heart

Don't worry though
I'll never
Forget
I'll make sure of it
I need to remember
So I don't get this hurt again

I love
The idea
Of thanksgiving
It's a holiday
To be grateful and eat good food
But I hate
How my dinner
Will just be two people
Who ordered takeout
Because the rest of the family
Is dead
Mad
Or thousands of miles away

I cry
For fake characters in movies

I dream
Things that could never come true

I lie
To myself

I walk
To places only on the map of my mind

I jump
Into an invisible hole

And I miss
Things and people, when they're alive

I found my old diary
And some letters I made to my future self years ago in it
I cried
I wish I could hug her
And thank her
I'll be doing this every year

We often ask ourselves
Why we are even crying
And I promise you that the answer is not that we are babys
pathetic
Or stupid
It's that we are human
It's we're made to do
Though it's painful and cruel

IwishIcouldhugthemallofthepeoplewhoeverhadtofeelthisawfulawfulfee­lingoflonelinessandunwillingnesstomoveortalkoropentheireyes Iwanttotellthemthatit'sokaythey'reokaythey'renotalonetheyaren'tth­eonlypersonhavingapanicattackinthebathroomtheyweren'tthe onlyoneswhofeelthisbadandIwanttoheartheir storiesandIwantthemtohearmineIwishwecouldallgotoafarawaylandawayf­arfromtheruinersoflivesandthethingsthatmakeyouwanttocommitsuicide­Iwanttotellthemthey'renottheonlyoneswhofeelthekeyboardintheirmind­isglitchingmakingnopunctuationorspaceforabreakfromthought

Of course
Sometimes I feel cursed
Because of my mother's job
For she plays music
Professionally
She plays trombone

Never a routine
Always schedule based on shows

No sleep
The gig ends at 2am and there's a flight to catch at 4

No social interaction
With anyone my age

And pressure
To be a talented musician

But also
I think it's worth it for

The moment I watch her solo
Go crazy and show her soul
I get to think to myself
"****, that's my mom out there!"

I get to play on stage
Big audiences watching
Or more
Listening

Meeting people
From all over the world
With so many stories to share

And see her
Be a role model
For young girls who really want to be like her

She just told me
The same thing everyone else did
"Try meditation
don't be on your screens after 8
Drink tea
Don't eat"
And I've tried even more things
None it worked
They never work
For as long as I remember
I have had to stare up at the ceiling fan
And wish to sleep
To rest
But I never could
And I fear I never will
I really want that to change
But the same old advice
That everyone gives for this
Simply doesn't work for me

My mother,
She claims that I need it
Because I
"Have a lot going on"
But I'm quite clear on my thoughts
And I pretty sure I know what I want
And that she won't tell me anything I don't know
She is nice and all
But I don't believe she can help me with squat
My therapy is poetry
And long walks
Not an old lady writing notes in an office

I am aware of my problems
I know my mistakes
And I know how deal with the ones
I didn't even make
How?
Years of experience

Plus, when I ask her questions
She just asks me ones back
When I needed answers

It might be helpful for some
Which is great
But for me
It doesn't work that way

I am aware of what's going on in my head
I think I even know too much about it honestly

While I laugh
Someone is crying

While I dance
Someone just found out they lied

While I can't sleep on my bed
Someone wishes they had a blanket

While I eat
Someone starves

While I walk
Someone loses their parent

While I live
Someone dies

When I remember,
I wish them to feel better
I send them some of my momentary joy
Because maybe
That's how miracles are born

The stars are beautiful
They always are

It's just
Sometimes
The light pollution gets in the way
And we can't see them anymore

But who knows
Maybe
Tomorrow you'll see them really clear

They tell me I'm mature
That they forget I am a young teen when they talk to me
Or look at me
That I think far too much
And far too deeply
For someone just in middle school

And though
I know that they say it with love
But it is sad to me
For I was not born this way
Things had to shape me
And make me grow up quicker than I should have

I had to be the responsible person
Way too often
I had to comfort my father as if he was my child
I had to learn to analyze people
To keep myself safe

I have always wished I was older
So this wouldn't be weird
But I also wished I would be younger
So I could be carefree for once

Self awareness kills me slowly
I fear I have too much

You took my vision of the world
my childhood
And how I think
And crumbled it before me
You were just thinking of yourself
For yourself
You did these things
Manipulated me
Until I questioned myself
And what I could see
Often I didn't see you stabbing me
For you had taken my eye
An I for an Eye is what happened
Don't even try to lie

When things get to be to much
I change my perspective
I am no longer there
In the place
Or with the people causing me stress

Im simply observing
For my own pleasure
In some way
Like I have the controller
To a video game
I am always playing
But I'm not in

I walk in the hallways
And I hear someone say
"This is the worst day of my life"
And we just had class together
And I know
Someone stole a pencil of his

I can't help but wonder
How could it be
That for someone it might be losing a pencil
And some it might be getting beat really bad one day
seeing a parent being put in jail, maybe leave
Or seeing your father say he wants to die
And get on his knees crying and shouting
In the middle of the street
Oh why
Oh why

I constantly need to check myself
Make sure I'm not turning in to him
I need to be more self aware
Then he'll ever be

I never want to make anyone feel
Anything close to the way he did to me

I am a master
Of avoiding arguments
As for the entirety of my existence
Looking at you wrong
Could mean a tantrum
Making a helpful suggestion
Could make you shout at me
And asking you
"What's up?"
Could mean a suffering two day tragedy

It's best to keep my head down
But not for too long
Because that might make them mad too

My head hurts when I move
My brain hurts when I talk
And my heart hurts when I trust you

.    
         I                                    
            Love                              
              Stars,                  
                   They
                     Are so
                      Far, but
                       Feel so
                        Near. I love
                        The moon ,        
                         How it's    
                        Always
                        Changing
­                     But I hate
                  How
               I can't
          Sleep
      Ever

You took a blade
And you stabbed my back, heart and my brain
Made me so confused and hurt
Now bad feelings always lurk
Especially when something reminds me of you
The problem is
I've known you forever
So everything reminds me of you

The worst part
Is that you're too blind to see any of it
I never got a single apology
And I know if one day that you ruined for me
Would be on repeat until you got it right
You'd be stuck forever
You don't see your problems
Those problems are a big part of me now
So I guess
You don't see me
Do you?
Not at all

Something I did
When I was younger
While I was feeling good
Was I would send my future self love
For when I needed it most
For when things were just too much
I would tap the back of hand
And it was sent
And to receive it
I just had to tap again
And though there's no way
That a little movement of hand could do so much
But it really felt that way
At least I was there for me
And that was a comfort

The end of the day
Slowly yet ****** approaching
And I have done nothing

Regret and guilt eat me alive
Grief for the time I have lost
Wasting

Things were there
Waiting to be done
Calling my name out in vain
Taunting me
And I ignored them

Remorse

For today
I feel as though
I have accomplished
Nothing
I'm sorry

My mom
Is music
watching Gilmore girls with takeout thai food
and comfort

My Dad
Is loudness
Uncontrollable anger
And reluctant love

My cat
Is laying in bed with me when I cry
Stealing my food
And making me laugh even when I don't want to

My friends
Are eating orange peels
Singing let it go as loud as we can at 2am
And walking at 11pm to Walgreens

My extended family
Is 13 hour plane rides
Friday night dinners
And having ice cream on the balcony

My feelings are rain
Pouring down
Messing up plans
Gloomy things they are
The raindrops build
Coming together
More and more
Until they start to flood the city of my mind
And then I write
And it's like suddenly
A sewer has appeared

There are so many people in this world
That feel lonely
And most of the time
We tend to get along
There are so many of us
And yet
Here we are
Alone
Wishing for someone to care
To ask us questions
And wanting to be the one asking

There are so many of us
But we can't seem to find eachother
So here we are
Lonely

I always knew
That he wasn't really normal
I mean Penny’s dad never yelled
Or cried
Or switched all the time
But I didn't really obsess over it
Until I was around eight-maybe nine
Memories of the day
And the sound of his sobbing passing through the thin walls
Kept me awake

I did what they warn us not to do
I took my phone
And Googled
His problems
His symptoms
The things that I had to suffer from

There were too many questions
I needed answers
I needed solutions

One of the best feelings ever
Is when I finally
Get to be alone
And feel the relief of removing the mask
Of a normal, calm person

I can let out the breath
I didn't even know I was holding
And I can finally be
The weird specimen
That is me