Why does having food in my stomach
Feel like I failed

I just changed my HP description thing
From female to gender questioning
I don’t know why the hell that’s so scary
But yesterday
I really did not feel like a girl

“A perfect quiet child”
They called me
Don’t call me mature when I was just scared and unhappy

I was not an adult
Why did you treat me like one
And now you dare to wonder
What happened to my head
Why I’m always in bed
It wasn’t just my father
It was everyone else too

Stop saying I’m an old soul
I’m smart
I’m just ******* terrified
I’m miserable
Trust me
You don’t be envious of that
Or at least if you knew why I’m like this way
You wouldn’t be

What has my life become?

I'm mourning the person
I never became
The one who was normal
Who didn't carry all the blame

My younger self would dream
Of many friends and happiness
But all I am now
Is a lump of unsteadiness

I'm mourning the idea
Of the person I would have liked to be
The one that could have been me
The one
That isn't

I never became someone
My younger self wished to be
Saw the things she wanted to see
Instead I feel all this pain constantly

Is that what she survived for?
She did not survive for me to be miserable
She survived for more
She survived for someone
I never became

You only love me when I let you pull apart my peices

No one talks about how painful it is
To love someone who wants to die
About the anger that you aren't enough
That they're okay with leaving this world
Leaving you here

We don't talk about
The constant fear
That they might already be gone
That couldn't save them

The terror when they don't answer
Every time
I find myself unable to breathe
Thinking about the blood on the floor
Imagining the rope around their neck
Picturing the empty pill bottle next to their lifeless body
There is so much fear

Please call me
Please tell someone
You cannot be alone like that to end your world

Please call me if you're going to do it
But it will not be for goodbye's
I will not tell you it's alright
I will say that I will ever be able to forgive you
Because I won't
I will only forgive you if you started breathing again
But when you're dead
That's it
You're dead

Yes I would be devastated
Completely and utterly
But that's not all
I would be angry too

2am anxiety attack
3am writing them poems
They're not enough
The words aren't enough
I'm not ******* enough
No one talks about being up at 4am doing research
How to help
Words to give
Grasping thin air for something
Anything
To keep them there

Now it's 5 am
Making lists of ways to make things better
How to make the world more livable
Because they are not allowed to die
6 am still awake
It doesn't matter that I won't get any sleep
I don't care about myself anymore
I don't care about my life
They just need to stay in it
That's all that matters

They say to respect our elders
But they don't respect the trees hundreds of years old
Tall in the sky
Watching all of us

They say to respect our elders
Yet
They don't respect our mother earth who
Aged rather beautifully
Billions of years more than them

I love my pillow
Its fabric holds my tears every night
And I never have to worry about it stopping

It'll just evaporate them and let me start crying again each time
Always

She said she felt bad for my father
Because I wasn't speaking to him anymore

Then she read my poems

"give"
They say
And I have
But I can't anymore
All I have left
Is hurt
And my shattered pieces
I refuse to make them bleed

I'm so ******* sorry I'm so broken

Oh for ***** sake
I just want a hug

Red lines could have been deeper
They should leave long lasting scars
These aren't enough
They will fade
They have before
And now I just want more
More
More
Deeper
More painful
Again
I can't let them heal

Please don't leave
Don't leave the world to spin without you
All ****** up and beautiful
Because Daisy needs you to scratch her ****
With it's majestic hair
And the little twirl at the end of it
Many more times

Don't leave this stunning disaster
Because there are so many queerphobs
Left un-twerked on
Without your **** in their stupid little faces

Yes, your mother will miss you
Yes, the people who caused the very pain you're experiencing will make some sappy fake Snapchat post about how they hope you rest in peace
Yes, your dog will be confused
I know you know that

I know you have heard the phrase
"It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem"
Everyone has
They shove it in your face as soon as they show you the word
"Suicide"
But yet
720,000 people are taken by it each year
So clearly these words are to no avail
Because when you're sitting in front of everything deadly you own
Feeling so much yet nothing at all
What they told you at a school function that one time that was kind of obvious may not come to mind
But anything that helps you put them away
Or at least save them for another day
Means everything

So can you stay
To stroke your horse again?
To finish your sketchbook?
To burn your math work?

Can you stay simply because firefighters with abs exist?
Because of the free **** website that's somehow not blocked on school computers?
To take a run and finally get the relief of feeling it all?

****
"You're too young to die"
If that doesn't do **** for you
Can you please stay here because you have the free will to go on Amazon and look at the reviews for speedos?

It's selfish to keep you here for me
I know I'm not enough
I can't help you as much as I wish I could
Though if you left me to spin on this **** globe without you
I can say that there's a good chance
in the end there will be more than one tragedy

You're right
Maybe laughing might not make you less tired of living
But what if
Like you said
We could just sit there and feel hurt
Because we deserve to after everything

When I'm in that place
Of such deep, strong pain
The last thing I want
Is to search my brain for people that love me
And see that I'm alone in the world
I don't want you to ever have to

I wish I could steal your pain
But I can't
All I can do is pull more words out of my ***
And if you let me,
Hug you

You are such an great friend
And if you ever want more
I have so many words
And I will write you more poems
1000 more if that's what it takes
Because you need to stay

You deserve to live
Really live
I wish you believed me
Please
Please
Stay

I know I'm not enough to keep you here
But I will keep on trying anyways
Because even though you may not care about yourself anymore
I do

It's not enough I know
I'm sorry
I wish I could do more
But every little thing that helps you matters
So can you please maybe just stay
Because sometimes when people laugh they do the thing where they hold the other person momentarily?
That beautiful human thing

Can you stay because the clouds are still moving?
Because even in daylight the stars are there?
Because your dog's ******* expands when he barks?
Because when you're drowning
I promise to always help you out of the water?

Can you stay simply because of trees?
Because your heart beats?
Because the show you're watching has a new season coming out?

Stay because life does this thing
Where is pushes you right to the edge
And then shows you something wonderful
That is just enough to keep you here?

For me that has been poetry, you, the person I told you about in Oklahoma, walking with music, and dancing in the rain
And I know that there will be more
If I let there be
And same goes for you
There will be wonderful things you have yet to see
Wonderful people you have yet to love
People that have yet to love you
Please let them
Stay

Dear friend,
Yes I'm being intense I know
Yes I'm writing a pathetic *** poem for you
Yes I know that these words probably don't mean anything
But I need to anyways
And I will continue for as long as I live if it helps you even the slightest bit
Because you need to stay
Okay?
Please stay

Pinching my arm
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't let them see
Ow
Not enough
Don't cry
Don't cry
Pinch
Harder
Harder
Something interrupts me

"You okay?"
She asked
Didn't believe me when I said I was
She wrapped her arm around me
It fell at my waist
She held it
As if to say "It's okay now, I've got you"
Gently
Finally someone gentle

Room dark
Only midnight
I usually wait a few hours to sleep
But it was different
I didn't need to do anything
I could just be there
Let myself be held

For the first few minutes
I was tense
Thinking about how sleep seemed so far
And how the monsters were too close
But then I realized
I was okay now
I can exist in someone's arms

No one was trying to hurt me
But it was hard to believe at first
For the only touch I know is aggressive
Angry
But this one was safe
And I just let myself be there
By the end
I just enjoyed the fact someone cared
Someone didn't hate me
At least enough to be so close

This wasn't threatening
This was safe
This was kind
This was gentle

Why is everything pain

I may be quiet
But that's just because my mind is loud

"I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry"
"My peices are making a mess"
"I'm okay with mess"

Pinching myself is
Not enough for me right now
I need to see blood

It hurts the most when it's the people who were supposed to bandage the wounds
Protect you from the monsters
And be a rock for you
Unconditionally
And forever
to lean on
End up being one
That just falls on you
Again and again
Until each bone is broken
And you can't move
Not dead yet
But you are just
Bleeding out slowly

"you don't really get angry, I do"
He says

And he's right
Right now I find myself unable to be so full of rage
I feel as though I just can't afford to be
But
There was a point in my life
Where anger ran through my veins
It filled my entire body
Every fiber
Every breathe I took
It consumed me

Mad
I didn't get what the other kids got
Mad
My dad just had to ruin it all
Mad
Everyone thought I was okay
Mad
Everyone said he was acting okay
Mad
I had to exist in this world

"No one loves an angry girl"
"Don't be angry"
"Anger is ugly"
"Anger is like your father"
They said as a clenched my fists

Now
When he does something unacceptable
The anger instead appears as blood pouring down my arm
Out of my body

Now
I am no longer angry
Just exhausted
Done with it
Again and again
It doesn't surprise me
It just ***** out my livelihood
And leaves me one inch closer
To giving up
Everytime

I don't get angry now
I get even more broken

Everything
Is
Pain
Yet the only thing that helps
Is more pain

I think I'm done fighting it
I need to bleed

I don't need meds or hospitals
Therapy or lectures
I just need a hug

Not a
"Don't be mad at me
Hug it out"
Kind of hug

But a
"You're safe now
It's okay"
Embrace

I'm done being alone

One day I hope to be healed enough to truly believe that people are capable of loving me

How can it be "all in my head" when I think everyone is mad at me
But real when I'm questioning if my trauma actually happened

Who needs Zoloft, Lexapro, or Prozac
When you have dancing in the pouring rain
Being angry
With the sky
Screaming
with the thunder
Crying of the purest joy
Along with the drops of rain
A splashing around
like the child you didn't get to be
Would have wanted to
In puddles

I don't miss putting my ear against the door
Listening to yelling and breaking of glass
The pain in my chest as sharp as the peices fallen on the floor

I don't miss the tension that overwhelmed me
As soon as I saw him
And soon as I felt the presence of his body
In the room

But I miss my old couch-bed
Dog *** stained and all
I miss the few good memories I have
I miss my tree
I miss my dogs, though they're long gone
I miss the nightly routine
My mother getting me water before I slept
She might not have always been able to protect me
But every night she got me a glass
In the summertime, she'd even put ice in it
And I would feel like the luckiest little girl

I don't miss forcing food down my throat
Or getting high fevers as a way for my mind to cope
But I miss waking up in the middle of the night one night because of nightmares
And my dad seeing
And being okay that time

I slept in his bed that night
He didn't drink
He didn't smoke
He didn't break down or yell
He just hugged me for once
As tears poured down my cheeks
Suspicious of it but more grateful than I had words for

I miss that
I miss home
Please understand it
I know it was bad
Miserable
But it was the first thing I called me own
And it's where I became who I am in

You know it's really bad again
When all I can do
Is sit on my floor
Staring at sharp things I can't have
And putting a pencil between my teeth
Desperate

No one knew
I hid the monsters
Silenced my screams
Let myself completely die when they mowed the lawn most times
So they wouldn't think of me as a ****
And pushed some of my peices of the broken glass I am under rugs
And some I tape together
To show them
A smile
And be able to try and hold my voice steady
As I mumble
"I'm okay"

I had to be okay
I had to be strong
Because strong in this society means looking together
Pretending to be okay
Walking on your broken legs and trying to push the pain away
Not telling them everything
Becoming vulnerable

If I told them
What went on
It would be like giving them a hammer
As a glass they didn't like
And hoping that they wouldn't go mad
Hoping they wouldn't break me anymore than I was already broken
I couldn't take the risk
Anyhow
No one decided to call ******* on my vague, iffy lies
"Yeah, I'm okay"
"Oh, why did I have to run to the bathroom as soon as I heard someone yell? That's nothing, I have a small blatter, that's all"
They didn't care enough
It was easy to decide

But now
Now I have some people
Yes, they're people
Not trees or stars
That ask me
"Do you promise?"
Ones that check in once in a while
Asking me to write anything
Just to show that I'm alive
Because they want me to be
Truly
They listen
To broken glass
So I show them my monsters
And they listen hard enough to hear my silent screams
To pick me up, **** and all
And say
"What a beautiful flower"
And tell me
That's what I am

All they said was that they care
Something a lot of people hear a lot
But for me
Every time
I start to sob
Grateful tears
For once not ones of deep, unending pain
But ones as if to say
"Really? Wow, finally"

And they roll down my cheeks
In a different way
A way that seems peaceful
It reminds me of when
You're gazing up into the sky
Waiting for a cloud to move
To reveal something
Anything to make it better
Soothe the uncertainty and melancholy
The heartwrenching pain
And at last it does move
And the star behind it is more extraordinary than you'd imagined
And you can do nothing but watch it for a while
Marvel at it
Take a race around your mind
Trying to truly believe
That it really was indeed finally there after all this time
Beautiful

When they say they care
They care about ME
Of all people
Me
In all my brokenness
In all my strangeness
My intensity

They care
And that's just crazy to me
So I'll look at the text
Over and over
Making sure my mind didn't make it up

I'll replay the moment
Again and again
Confirming it actually happened
Remembering it is capable of happening to me
Happening to broken glass

And everytime I do
The tears start again
Grateful
And in absolute awe

It's crazy what words can do

The first question I ever ask anyone I'm trying to get to know
Is
"How do you feel about rain?"
And then
"If it starts pouring outside, will you take out your umbrella?"

Because their response to these questions
Can say a lot more about them
Then what their favorite food is
Or their favorite color

It's not even the words that they use to answer the question sometimes
But the tone of their voice
The excitement, or lack of
When they answer

Do they feel deeply?
When they love something, do they avoid it?
Are they with mother nature?
Do they dare to question what society has deemed unfit?
Are they upset when the sky gets angry?

In my old house
In my backyard
Is a tree
My tree

I used to go to it
Whenever I needed to
It was always there
Strong
Sturdy
Comforting
And I could always hug it
When I needed a hug
I could always speak to it
When I needed to talk
And it was always there
To make me feel less alone
It knew
I needed to hear a heartbeat next to me
One that I knew's blood wasn't pumping anger
Fear
But just beauty
Just peace
And so I would put my head to it
Feel it's bark in my forehead
The texture, so familiar
And hear the tree's heartbeat
My tree's heartbeat

No one else heard it
I made my friends try
The tree only let me hear it
It knew I needed it
I suppose

I crave to hear the beating once again
To feel the texture of the bark on my face
To sit by it and gaze up at the sky
But I can't anymore

Just the fact that it exists though
That I know it does
That I know that it's heart is still beating there
Just for me
That itself
Can relax me a little bit
Even if I can't go up and hug it

I'm a deep thinker
In school I am distracted
Questioning too much
Asking why it is that we're doing what we're doing
That we have to listen to what we are blindly listening to
But asking why there
Is considered arguing
So I become a "problem"

In the outside world,
I overthink everything
Wave to theoretical strangers in planes flying above
People are embarrassed to be seen next to me
"Why is that girl holding her head to a tree?"

In relationships,
I'm called intense
I speak too much of what I think
And I see the slightest change in the pattern of the way that they blink
I feel too deeply

In life,
I'm feeling too much too
I say it's just solitude
But it's more than that
I'm lonely
Because lonely means unseen
Not alone

At parties,
Everyone wants things to be light
They enjoy being asleep
But no matter how much I want join them sometimes
I was born with a mind always racing
Never stopping
Always asking
Always feeling
So so much
And I can see all the problems
They're everywhere from
Problems they see just as reality
But i can't tell them
If I don't want to be met with looks of displeasure and disgust
Silence,
And worst of them all
"Anywayssss"

I'm done with people being surprised by my speaking
Not knowing what to say
Being scared off
I know I can be intense
I'm sorry

I love deeply and I want to say it all
But I know I can't
I'm too intense
But it's hard to pretend
People mean less to me than they do
To some people out there
I have so many messages
I know are just
Too much
For me to send

Google describes it as
"A delightful and positive term often associated with unexpected discoveries and fortunate outcomes. "

And It's true
You are delightful
After all
My dearest serendipity

"Oh
But I lie!"
You say

"Oh,
but I steal!"
You try

But oh
Dearest serendipity
I love every "flaw"
I love you with every mistake you made
And will ever make
Because YOU made that mistake
It is YOURS
And it is therefore extraordinary

And you hate your body
But for me that just seems...
Strange, wrong
Because I love it
Even though I haven't really seen it that much YET
Or hugged it YET
But I do love it
Because it is YOURS
It takes care of YOU
It holds YOUR soul
And one day
Which I swear will come
When we're walking
And I lose you for a moment in a crowd
The sign of relief I'll make
Will be because I saw YOUR body
And it's beautiful
Because it's YOURS
And you are magic
Which means it is too
And one day
In my wholesome, not-stalkerish manner
I will hug it in all its glory
In it's perfection
Because I wouldn't have it any other wayi

And yes yes
You came with some unexpected discoveries too
For one thing
I now know what things like
"Canning" are
And now, because of you, I also know of the little spiky things that stick to you in small America
I also know they ****

But it's not just that
You made me discover how different two people can be
While still simultaneously
Being the same
While simultaneously being
Dare I say,
Two of a kind?

Yes, I do dare
Because you convinced me to
You convince me to try
To keep the razor down
And you say you believe in me
And every time you do
The words going through my mind are
"Serendipity
Serendipity
Serendipity"

And don't even get me started on "fortunate outcomes"
Because every outcome
That includes my dearest serendipity
Is fortunate
Even the ones that don't work out
Because you're there

You've never failed me
For as long as I've known of your existence
You say you do, a lot
But never have you
Even once

Because just knowing
That you're out there
And that you see the same moon
Sky
Sun
Is enough
My dearest, dearest, serendipity

I didn't know I needed you
No one did
They just gave me yet another therapist
Another kind of pill
Each bigger than the last
But I just needed them to prescribe you
But they couldn't because
As serendipity does
You seemed to just appear
And change my life for the better
Completely and utterly

Who would've known
That some country girl
26 days away
A writer
THE queen of sas
The beauty
nThe mater deep thinking and eye rolling
Would save my life
I didn't, certainly
But the universe did, I suppose
And it gave me a present a month ago
It arrived with a caution sticker on it saying
"Magical, perfect, sasy"
And I thought it would just be one of those random packages
But little did I know
She would save myself
Be my reason to breathe

A month ago
Little did I know
I was just provided
With serendipity

The best gift on earth you are
And I'm so grateful
My dearest,
Dearest,
Serendipity

It doesn't matter
How deep the water is if
You're drowning in it

One day
I will finally climb that mountain
I will hyjack a car

One day
When the e cops will ask me if I'm okay as I walk in the side of the road
I'll say
"Oh I'm great"
And it wouldn't even be a lie
Because I would know
What was to come
In only a matter of days

One day
I'll walk and walk
Until my legs don't work
And I'll keep going
On my knees

One day
I'll reach that small town
In small America
And I won't even mind the MAGA's
Because you'll be there

One day
You'll say
"I wish I could hug you right now"
And I'll climb in your room from the window
And give you the biggest one
The world has ever seen

One day
I'll be able to hold your hand
And we can walk on earth together
And eat all the jolly ranchers you'll spare
But I'll let you have all the watermelon ones

One day
I won't have to ask
"Still down?"
Because I'll be there
To see it myself

One day
You won't be 26 days away
But right there
In front of me

One day
I promise
And that'll be almost as magical
As you

I think as a society we should talk about death more
Because I'd rather be comforted by it
Instead of letting it have so much power

"Life is eventual death"
I wrote on the inside of my locker
It was a nice reminder for me
Relaxing
But people don't think about it that much
How it takes the pressure off
How comforting the idea is
They don't understand why
And so they look at me
And see broken
Sharp edges
But it's because we haven't talked about how wonderful the idea is that we can see the other side even if there's something in the way
I just want it to be okay that I'm broken glass
And that death will welcome us all one day

Ever since I was little I always knew that I had a soul to fragile for this world
I felt so much
So deeply
All the time

And everyone else just wanted things light
Constantly
But all the things they looked at as light
I saw my through
And felt as heavy

Maybe that's why I don't have all that many friends
Most people want things joyful all the time
And I can't help but even find darkness in that very thought
And so I collapse
Because that darkness swallows me
And everyone just thinks to themselves
"There's something seriously wrong with her"
And they're right

Every day before school
I'd pick up a dandelion
Hold it gently,
Carefully,
the whole day
To feel a little less alone
Because at least it was there

When no one else noticed
Or cared
There was comfort in knowing that the dandelion was alone in this world too
Called a ****
Unwanted
Annoying
But that it was beautiful and so lovable
It made me wonder if
Maybe there was a chance I was too?

And it hurts the most
When you try everything
And you still feel
Like someone is constantly twisting your chest
And banging on the inside of your mind

I am like a broken glass
Super glue doesn't hold
Peices missing
A mess

I am like a broken glass
Made to look somewhat together
With ****** clear tape

I stay on the shelf
Because most people don't know how broken I am
Most people don't realize it when they look at me
But I know

I am like a broken glass
But just wait until they fill me
That's what I should be able to handle, right?
That's what glasses do
Just wait until they try to take a sip
And then feel water sliding down their body
And down to the floor

So I just sit on the shelf
Knowing I'm broken
And feeling bad for anyone that tries to pick me up

"And I notice you go like this a lot"
He says
He's demonstrating the pinching and slapping of my arm I frequently do
I thought no one noticed...
But he did

Tears roll down my cheeks
I'm so grateful
So lucky
And then I notice he's writing something down
And I hear him talking about a plan
A plan to train my dog to help me
He's going to do it

Someone I know
Would do that

Someone that knows my flaws
Traumas
Scars
Would do that

And for the next 30 minutes
I just sit there
Wiping off my tears as they come
Wondering how I got so lucky
Wondering how I survived before
And I wish he was there in person
Not just over call
Because I wanted to run up to him
And give him the biggest hug

He said I deserved one
I cried then too
I sobbed
He has no idea how much he means
How I would climb to the moon
To make him smile

And he says he hates his body
He says he looks like a girl
But I just look at him and wonder how anyone could hate that
How could anyone hate that?
But I can't say anything
Because everyone will start their chants
"Liana and __ sitting in a tree..."

And yes it's kind of pathetic
I only have one person in my state I feel comfortable calling
Only one I want to talk to
But I couldn't ask for anyone better
Because he's everything wonderful left in this world
And I can not thank him enough
For even just existing
And giving a **** about me

I tried
I’m so sorry
But I couldn’t do it
I failed
I couldn’t keep my promise
And that’s not fair to you
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m so ******* sorry

I am so much
I am too much
Too much everything
Clingy
Intense
Quiet
Loud
And I’m simultaneously somehow
Still not enough

And as soon as the door closes
I collapse on the floor
Gasping for air
What is wrong with me?

Isolation contaminates my entire being until I'm nothing but a smelly lump underneath blankets trying to hide from scary thoughts

But somehow I'm already there and it still eats me

The dangerous thing for me is that I would die and excruciating death a thousand times just to make them smile once
And then I'll apologize if my screams from getting burned alive disrupted their sleep

I want to be skinned alive
Until I'm just a floating soul
bouncing around in the air
I want it all gone
The scars remind me
I'm not nearly enough strong

Loud thoughts spread
Like a virus in my mind
Spreading
Spreading
To every shred of my being
Telling me I deserve to bleed
I deserve to die
What the **** is wrong with me
Why
Why
Why

"A rising star" said the certificate of honor
I guess they were right
Stars are meant to burn
Until they explode
After all

And maybe I'm just being dramatic
Like my dad always said
Maybe it is just in my head

I know others have it worse than me
I know I can be quite annoying
Quite needy
I just love so deeply
Everything I do
Is done that way
It reminds me of when I had the knife
The blood pouring signed that I had done that deeply too
In a drawer in my bedroom is a bloodstained cloth that screams the same thing
So loudly

I'm not usually loud
I'm the kid so doesn't talk that much at school
The one who just takes the rage out in the form of doodles on the back of papers with dull pencils during class
And with sharp objects at night

"They aren't answering, they hate you"
"You're not talking enough"
"You're talking too much"
"They're definitely mad at you"
My head monster, Fred, shouts
So loud
So loud
So loud
I hate loud
I hate me

I try to reason with him
Tell him everything he's thinking is a lie
But despite it he just continues
"Die
Die
Die"

And so I hold the razor
"Bleed
Bleed
Bleed"
He continues

And I wish I knew
What I did
To deserve this