I never had to ask you
To be a good friend
I never had to worry
About you saying bad things
I never had to hesitate
Before telling you everything
I needed you to get me
And you did
And you will
Midnight or not
And I felt so at peace
Knowing I was safe while I slept
Hearing your voice
Gentle and caring
At the lake with the breeze
Outside with my cat
The one you kept for me
Thankful
For you

I’ve realized
I don’t like being touched anymore
Not a gentle hand on my back
Not a hand in mine
Hugs are tense
I don’t like them anymore
I used to think I needed contact
But I hate it now
Don’t touch me
I don’t want an arm brushing mine
Fingers on my knee
I don’t want my hair played with
I don’t like it anymore
I used to crave the closeness
Now I just want to be left alone
Don’t touch me anymore

Words flood my brain
Tsunami
Rain
Depression eats away
Should I leave
Or stay
Anxiety rattles me
Fingers busy
What will I be
Tomorrow

Adjusting to a new kind of normal
One where everything is tense
Trust is long gone
And I don’t know who I am anymore
I don’t have the mental capacity
For things that used to be easy
Like helping people
Like eating
Like sleeping
This new normal is different
But it was necessary

I ran
From my problems
They came back
But I didn’t
In a way
I’m still trapped
In that night
Cowered in a corner
Arms over my head
“I’m sorry”
“I’m sorry”
But you wouldn’t listen
Couldn’t
I ran
But my problems followed
They came back
I came back

i have these voices in my head

with me when i’m awake or in bed
when i’m smiling and happy
they come and break my peace
telling me weird things
that make me lose my ease

they tell me i won’t get better
they tell me i don’t matter
they tell me one day ill be dead
so why not get it over with instead

the voices are evil and cold
but they comfort me when i’m all alone
they tell me to do things to myself
and be sure that no one knows

oh the voices in my head
they walk me to my death