capitalization 6.20.25 (3:43 pm / 15:43)
i used to capitalize
i used to scream on the page
it seems like i used to be unafraid
and now i whisper
what happened to me?

[playing: no tears left to cry by ariana grande]

mood swings 6.21.25 (1:24 pm / 13:24)
something’s wrong with me, isn’t there
everyone says this is okay this is normal this is fine
doctors: this is just a side effect of the meds
friends: this happens to everyone
parents: it’ll be okay it’s okay

and me: this is fine i’m fine i can stay fine if i just keep this face of fineness
and blankness and stare into space

it’s not it’s not fine
i can’t do this anymore

i don’t believe in god but please someone help me
i was happy just a minute ago
please
let me go back

alone
a lone
not lone.

I’m tired
I want to sleep
My brain is no longer wired
I’m weary
I’m done
The bed has won!

your hair is still on my comb,
your scent still on my shirt,
the ink of your drawings still on my calloused palm.
sometimes i look into the bathroom mirror
and remember the mist
from when you showered.
there are small traces of you everywhere,
it haunts me in the cruelest way.
my lips still taste of yours.

i listen in
to the whisper of the trees-
like a silence that the earth
can’t quite hold,
words that try to be secrets
kept between the land and the sky
but the wind grips my sap-stained palms
and the branches reach into my soul
like bones crawling out of a grave
and into the air
quietly
but there.

i have a sadness lurking in me
the base of every poem i write
the core of my love
as i give myself papercuts
from your letters
and your poems
and i sit quietly
in the shadow
of your starlight.

Countless tries
Failure always fails to make me cry
Swallow my pride, let you bring the lies
You fail to understand I already understand
Myself deep inside
I can't afford to carry your remorse