Since my adolescence and my consciousness began to grow,
Within a shadow began to develop with me side by side.
On the days I smile ear to ear, my shadow is lurking near.

I feel its haunting aura deep in my bones like an itch I can't scratch.
When it takes me and absorbs me, my presence is not there, and my impulses take over.
Suddenly my phone is in my hands, cutting off all my friends.
Suddenly a cold piece of metal is in my hands, cutting whats left of me.
I hear it whispering to me in the dead of the night, stripping me of my worth.

And then in the morning it leaves without a goodbye, leaving me to deal with  reality.
But am I really alone when any moment my shadow can return, after all, the shadow is just a part of me.

The cycle never ends, the highs and lows.
Mom says its puberty, I am just a kid. Now I'm 17 and yet I always loop back to where it all started, where the shadow introduced itself without a hello.
Will my shadow leave me once puberty ends, or will I cut everyone off by then.

You take my breath away, but not the feeling of astonishment and awe
You take my breath away in the feeling of where breathing is suddenly not an option

Somehow you've become the very thing that grounds me yet uproots me at the same time
You are the north star guiding me through the white capped sea yet you are the waves that are bringing me under

My unpredictability and impulsivity has pushed you away like the rest, but unlike them I keep trying to crawl back to you
The sporadic mood swings and late night texts of I'm sorry and we're done for the 50th time shouldn't be something you have to be used to
The please forgive me's yet I don't deserve your forgiveness

The thing we both latch on to, or maybe its just me, is the link we used to share stronger than a lock
We used to love each other, platonically, romantically, that's for you to decide
I mourn the loss of that love, knowing we can never go back to it as much as I try to reverse the damage I have done

I switch faster than a blink of an eye
One second I am grounded to the world I'm in
Blink and I'm suddenly in another dimension, the world feels as if its crumbling beneath my feet.

Adults have wisdom, they've been around longer than us.
They call what I have teenage hormones, they know best, they were my age once.
But then again, this is their first life too, so they don't really know anything.

The back and forth between sane and manic
The pushing and pulling away and the long midnight texts of I'm sorry
I start to wonder if there's an underlying cause
Or maybe its just teenage hormones.

3 alarms to waken you from your sleep coma each morning
Get ready for the day with extra time to ****, then head to that job against your will

8 hours of employment each day, reminding yourself that paycheck to push you through

5 days a week to be that friendly camper with a big smile on their face, one because you have no choice, and two your thinking about home time


3 hours of sleep and 3 alarm clocks

At least you're getting that paycheck.

I miss the late night calls until we hear the morning birds sing
I miss the late night walks to your house when there's no one else awake
I miss the comfortable silence between us or laughing with you until it hurts

Now I look at my phone and months go by since the last call we shared
Now I walk and pass by your house, both of us awake, but living separate lives
Now the silence between us is tense, only small talk of "how have you been"

I miss you even when I'm with you, because when I'm with you I feel like I don't know you