I wasn't her first.
Or her second. Or third. But I didn't need to be. I said
"I'm no good with words", and she said
"they don't speak to me anyway.
Anyway you were the first
to run your hands down my body, stop at my chest
and ask me if it hurts". When she said yes,
I told her yes too.
To this day she says "that was the moment
I fell in love with you"

I find comfort within the tall trees and long blades of grass. I feel my soul singing when I hear waves crash and the splashes gracing my face. I long to live for chasing the stars that the universe creates.

Hello?
Who am I?
Guess again.
Don't you recognise my voice?
No?
Why?
Well, you can hang up,
It's your choice.
But I just wanted to call
for old times sake.
You know:
Those times where we'd talk
at times we shouldn't have been awake.

Are you still there?
Can you hear me?
Oh, right.
You don't remember me.
Maybe I have the wrong number.
Well, I guess I'm sorry.

But before you let me go,
There's just one thing
I want you to know.
At the end of December,
when the mountains meet the snow.
I'll think of you, as always,
and I'll remember.
How it was me,
who once heard
your hellos.

My inner demons have looked me in the eyes for the last time yesterday.
They screamed, clawed the floor for help.
They pointed to my head, my heart and my stomach as they are all golden like they once were.
I named them all after bad habits and bad addictions.
Their eyes are red and their skin is black. They never spoke, but one of them told me in a soft voice, 'I hope it all works out for you.'
Thank you, guilt. I hope so, too.

there's a photo in an old photo album
and it's of a birthday party with my family
only the kids are smiling
the relatives are looking at each other with disgust
and that's not the first photo I've found like that

Watching your eyes shut and twitch on your final hours of life showed me that you really weren’t ready for a life of responsibility and maturity. Your skin was flushed white and translucent like snake skin, and your legs blown up like balloons, your veins popping like your eyes after you snorted ******* on your dashboard from your arms , bruised and black like your tarred lungs from the diabetes and poor circulation. You weren’t ready for this lifetime, your soul wasn’t ready to become a parent or a husband. You tried your best as a father, but your inner demons told you otherwise when you left your youngest and second youngest alone with your cancer ridden wife that night. The drugs pumping through your body as fast as the ambulance lights could go when your wife found you on the floor having your second heart attack. Every single day, your wife and your youngest daughter spent in the hospital making sure you were well taken care of. Your inner demons told you otherwise. Your demons told you to tell them to go **** themselves and to leave you alone on the third week. Your youngest continued to latch onto you for years after. On your death bed, your siblings and your youngest crowded around you. Your brother was red in the face with tears, like a little kid who wasn’t allowed to have candy before dinner. Your sister in law who followed the footsteps of your brother. And your mature younger sister, sitting there with your youngest daughter trying to get you to at least open your eyes and see who was there. You knew who was there, your soul wouldn’t allow you to. You strived to open your eyes and mouth to speak. The only words you muttered was, “I need to get the **** out of here.” Your siblings preached about how this could’ve been saved, your youngest said otherwise. She said, “there was nothing left to do,” she held your hand sobbing quietly, knowing you were going to pass away less than 24 hours later. She forgives you for not being the father you were supposed to be, because your soul wasn’t ready for this life. Your soul was meant to be free, short lived, and spontaneous. Your inner demons took over young, and led you to a long painful death. You know how they say, when you die your life passes before your eyes? Wrong. Everything you didn’t do when you were alive that you regret passes in front of you while your soul emerges from your body. You regretted having children and raising them to be codependent while your wife was the complete opposite. You regret dropping quarter of a million dollars into drugs. You regret beating your children and listening to your inner demons again, and again, and again. You regret beating your wife when she had cancer, and prior to cancer. You regret losing the house because you wanted to buy **** with the mortgage money your wife specifically told you to pay with. You died with these regrets at 11:30 AM on February 28th 2014. Your youngest forgave you, but has a constant thought of killing herself since you left this earth. She screams out, ‘why didn’t you take me with you?’ to the sky at least once a month. Your oldest daughter abandons her family to marry someone who she feeds lies to about her family. Your oldest son stays with someone as emotionally abusive as you. And your wife lives with regret, lives in a rental with her boyfriend and the youngest. 5 years in remission of breast cancer. She will always love you, but will never forgive you for what you did to her children and to her. You died with these regrets.