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Hannah Marr Jun 2018
the sky
was painted
last night

in the west
it was pink
and blue
and gold
like the sun

in the east
it was grey
and cloudy
and angry
like me

the sunlight pierced
these storm-cloud eyes
blinding me

the sun slipped
below the horizon
like a lover
under bed sheets
fleetingly bright
then gone

the sky
was painted
last night

a van gogh
a starry night
at eternity's gate

with lightning
thunder
and stormclouds
blowing west
to cover the sky

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Nov 2018
my staccato heartbeat drowns out your voice
but i trace the words on your lips all the same
as i strive to decode the message held
in your gentle eyes.

this language of joy i see
is a foreign one
that my tongue trembles with,
stumbling over simple phrases.

my breathing stutters under your adoring gaze,
and suddenly the air is gone from my lungs.
how can such fear, and such warmth,
coexist, side by side?

i'm burning up from the inside,
my stomach sitting like molten lead in my gut.
words sear my throat,
though i don't know what i am saying.

i am posed on the edge of a blade
with your soft hands on my shoulders,
balancing me, as you speak
words of encouragement and peace.

i would die a thousand times for this feeling.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Nov 2018
We are not the voices of nations,
but of people. Our people.
The people of uncensored thought
and true word and strong speech.
The candid lines from our pens
are the last line of defence between
our hopelessly self-destructive people
and themselves. Our people, the poets;
the dreamers and idealists and romantics.
The people who press on through hardship
and disappointment and pain and heartbreak
and discrimination and depression and controversy.
The guiding light from the shadows.
The bucket to the well, and the rope
to bring the water to the thirsty masses.
We are the people of poems,
the people of dreams,
the people of song.
We are the people
of past, present, and future.
We,
The People,
The Poets.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr May 2018
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h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Nov 2018
You roll the words around on your tongue.
They dance a feather-light staccato
against the back of your clenched teeth.
Motes of dust gather on your still lips.
Silence is a story you tell yourself before bed
and when you hear birdsong banishing the night.
A bonfire rages in the back of your throat.
The smoke stings your eyes.
You do not speak.
You do not cry.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr May 2018
Ingredients:
- one (1) human shell
- one (1) sad or disastrous childhood memory
- one or more (1+) fear(s) and/or anxiety(s)
- one or more (1+) instances of contact with illness in loved ones
- one (1) empathetic heart [note: must still be beating]
- one (1) list of reasons to hate [but loving anyway]
- two or more (2+) supporters [even if only friends]
- several (1-3+) seeds of creativity
- infinite (∞) reasons to write

Steps:
1. Take the human shell, and open its mind. Place inside the sad memory, and mix with fear and ill loved ones. Let sit for 13-18 years.

2. Open the human's chest and place in the heart, pulsing steadily. Once the heart is embedded, engrave the list of reason to hate, but remember to saturate with uncaring attachment and devotion.

3. Connect this human to at least two others who will uphold them unconditionally, but don't make them perfect. Nobody is. Your human may not take heed of their support, but this is a necessary step.

4. Place the seeds of creativity in the well-cultivated, sorrowful mind and water liberally with reasons to write. Allow the ideas to ferment.

5. Release your completed poet into an ink rich environment and supply with plenty of paper, internet, and books. Remember to feed at least once a day and set a curfew if your poet tends to sleep less than three hours a night. Warning: these creatures are delicate, but immensely powerful. Handle with care and caution. They're your problem now.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
I never wanted to live forever. It will never end, but it feels so final. Never aging, never dying, never changing. I watch those who chose eternity with wide eyes and bated breath, waiting for their inevitable fall. I feel them, and they are divine. But divinity is not for mortal minds. It pulses and writhes under their skin, staining their thin lips and bared teeth gold with ichor. They hunger and shake, and are never sated. And now I know why the pantheon was declared mad. They feast like they are gods and drink like nothing can touch them, but they are like shattered glass and burnt pages of a declaration that used to represent freedom. Untouched by death, they are prisoners of their own constructs.

I am content with being human, singing and crying and hoping and breaking.

I don't want to live forever, immortalized in a world that does not care.

It does not care.

I never wanted it. I didn't want to live forever.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Jun 2018

                                        The air tastes of running
                                               kicked up dust and
                                                             ­           bleeding lungs.
                   You left your blond hair in a gas station bathroom.
                             You left more than that farther back.
                                                           Family.
                   Integrity.
                                                      ­                                      Freedom.
                  ­                  Oh, pariah, fugitive.
                                                       Your feet are never still.
                        Where are you going?
     Where are you running from?
                                      What are you becoming?

                                                      ­     h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Feb 2019
Sahara cradles
the sun-bleached bones of a temple,
still strewn where the blazing heat
washed over it in trembling waves,
draining it of colour and shape,
reducing it to the gnawed on toys
of Sahara's chittering children.

She sighs
as the wind caresses
the curves of her back.
She shifts, slow,
and time covers
the shadow of the holy,
granting it final rest
in a dusty grave
under the watchful silver eye
rising in the heavens.

Sahara cradles
her new ward
to her chest
as the night comes awake.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr May 2018
All different, but all the same
Same voice, different name
Loving any of us is a death sentence, isn't it?

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
adjective

1. i wonder what you think when you look at me with those oh so perfect sweet eyes. do you think what a monster. do you think i am seeing a legend in the making.

2. we all bleed the same color when the thin armor of our skin in cut and parted. the pain is only temporary. everything is temporary. but this blood is such a vibrant red.

3. the other day you lay on the damp grass in the school field wondering aloud why the people could be so cruel, why the sky was so covered in smog, why the world was so cold, why, why, why. wouldn't we all like to know.

4. this is all we are. pathetic creatures who don't know what we have until it's gone.

5. they call me bitter. they call me cold. they call me hollow. i am merely a more honest one of them.

6. and do not forget— you are just like me. you too have no soul.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
adjective

1. i never asked to be like this, consumed utterly. when i run out of ink i dip my quill in my own veins and scratch out beautiful, ethereal, unutterable words in crimson. passion and pain are interchangeable in my mind, each one bleeding into the other and through each other.

2. words forge my palace and my prison. i compose poetry and story and power, like a creature possessed. my pen flies across the page, like it has a mind of its own.

3. i run out of space on the page in front of me, filling my notebook, filling innumerable napkins at various cafés with half-formed thoughts and unintelligible scribbles. i ink 3am inspirations and epiphanies on my skin, up and down my arms, a living testament to my obsession, my mania.

4. i must move mountains and i have a teaspoon for a *****.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
Shall I speak of Icarus?
Golden dreamer-boy, head in the clouds
"The greatest have the farthest to fall"
Isn't that what they say?
And he was great, my friend
He laughed in exultant triumph above the sea
Even as he fell towards the grasping waves

Shall I tell of Atlas?
Strong, lonely man, cursed to bear the world on his shoulders
He would like nothing more than to escape his burden
And strip the breath from his captors, while he's at it
But those wishes are only daydreams
The sky presses down on him relentlessly
Sometimes nearly driving him to his knees

Shall I talk of Dionysus?
The partying drunkard, master of madness
Born of grief and rage and loss
Gifted divinity for his wine
Whether it was a blessing or a curse in the end, I cannot say
He drinks to forget, he parties to numb the pain
Insane with sorrow and anger and power not meant for mortal minds

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
i feel sick,
but not in a way that can be

easily understood

i don't necessarily feel nauseous
but i can taste bile
in the back of my mouth

i don't have a headache, per se
but my head feels so heavy, and light

it's dizzying

disorienting

and sometimes i feel more alseep
than awake

and words lodge themselves
in my throat
as if to suffocate

and i cannot

hope

to

string them
together
for

the life

of
me

i feel sick,
but i'm not
am i?

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
i want to write something
simple

why can't anything be
simple?

it seems everyone thinks i'm
simple
since i want life to be
simple
they laugh and say nothing is
simple
not even truth is
simple
how could i write anything
simple?
i'd have to lie, plain and
simple

i just want something to be
simple
anything to be
simple
why can nothing be
simple?

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
Blood of Cain,
but I wish I could claim
Abel as my forefather.
How could I trace
this dubious liniage
that far, you ask?
All the evidence
is in my genetics.
Though the blood on my hands
doesn't belong to anyone else.

Blood of Cain
or blood of Abel
it doesn't change the fact
that I'm of the line
that tasted the forbidden fruit.
It's idiotic, really
that it is portrayed as an apple,
since it was never classified as so in the text.
But that's beside the point,
I'm being pedantic
to avoid the bitter truth
that I'd rather not face.
I come from a family of sinners.
Maybe I'm doomed to the same fate.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr May 2018
I cast a glance,
a once-over evaluation,
comparing to a list I keep in my back pocket.
Could I live with this person for the rest of my life?
Do they fit my (impossibly high) standards?
Uncertainty of any kind leads directly to 'no.'
I seal my heart.

In this way, I haven't had so much as a crush
since grade three.
Is something wrong with me,
that I can discard affection so dispassionately?
That I can disregard attraction so callously?
Is this a cultivated skill I should be grateful for?
Or a curse that will render me forever-alone?

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr May 2018
I want to slip out of my skin
And sink into the coat of a doe
Tiptoeing past moss-trees
And through thorn-brush

I want to shed my skin
And don the scales of a serpent
Gliding through dappled-shade
And below autumnal-leaves

I want to disrobe my skin
And wrap myself in the pelt of a cat
Prowling in the half-shadows
And morning's false-dawn

I want to dissolve my skin
And absorb infinity into myself
Drifting through space-time
And and the never-never in between

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
society takes Icarus
and warns you not to fly too high.
cut your losses, accept your lot.
warns us all—
stick out your neck and you'll lose your head.

"sever yourself from empathy
and cauterize the wound.
you can't help anyway,
so why should you care?"
right, society?
that's what you mean?

"if you fall from the top of the ladder
you won't get off the ground again.
midway is safer,
and the landing is softer.
your ambition is misplaced."

because of society
should i be content with mediocrity?

(i think not)

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Mar 2019
Though inexperienc'd I am, I think,
From what mine own ears have heard oft' express'd,
Love, an o'erwrought and tempestuous drink,
Fallen in and out of leaves one sore stress'd.
Like looking upon the bright, burning sun,
Such a beauty that leaves one blind,
Love brings sweet pain that cannot be undone,
And leaving one to stumble, left behind.
Call me cynic if my words offend thee,
Call me a villain, destroyer of dreams,
But do you not wish to roam, to be free?
I do not wish to be bound, by no means.
Though if my mind were so soften'd to love
'Twould be by someone I've not yet heard of.

h.f.m.
Shakespearean sonnet
Hannah Marr Mar 2019
An endless library the mind might be,
Limetless knowledge well may it posses,
Not so a place of such tranquility,
Never even once a place of true rest.
A nest of demons reside in the stacks,
Sharpening their claws on the wooden shelves,
Skill'd in subterfuge, with ease hide their tracks
Below consciousness, where surface thought delves.
Tattered pages flutter through quiet aisles,
Air pregnant with waiting and dark intent,
Then sudden hostility and sharp smiles
Where wishes and hopefullness make no dent.
I am lost in the halls of my own mind
And don't want to know what's here to find.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2019
I keep seeing echoes of my lost friends
In new faces, in strangers' fair eyes;
A tilt of the head and soft laughter lends
Particular cadence to mem'ries cries.
A melancholy stalks into my chest
And I wonder what this feeling might mean
Since 'tis not sent by my dear friends who rest.
I'm missing someone I've not even seen.
From the future or from another life?
Are they friend, foe, or on the grey border?
My doubting brings me unnecessary strife.
Maybe I'll find out when I am older.
Though eyes of strangers and some sort of kin...
Gaze turned to my soul and looks sharp within.

h.f.m.
sonnet
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
Break an empty bottle against the edge of the bar
This is your mind, jagged and—
—sharp
A loud, desperate fight me written
(Almost carelessly)
Across your snarling lips in red

Break your ribs, these hollow bones
Mend them with glue and—
—hot nails
So maybe each breath you take will be as tenuous
(As burning)
As the grip you have on your own soul

Careful, your knees are buckling
Lock them against the weight bending
Your spine, straining
Your shoulders

Paint your collar bones with stars
In honor of a sun's bright
Scorching
Core in your heaving chest

Paint rivers over your veins
In honor of the slow
Inevitable
Power pulsing just under your skin

Scrawl the thought that will never leave your tongue
On the walls of every gas station bathroom
On this endless road trip to—
The end of the world, to—
Nowhere and nothing.
Write it all, everywhere, so everyone will
Know, but
Not know you

Still your shaking hands
Clench them into fists
(You are not done here yet)

Furious soul
Fragile
Painter and canvas

Truth or dare?
(You are not merely honest, you are the Truth)
Heads or tails?
(You are not merely bold, you are the Dare)
The coin, not heads or tails.

Clear liquid in a clear bottle
Lava down your throat, in your lungs
Behind your eyes, fireworks
Burning —the edges of your mind, broken glass
Brittle —an ancient map of thought, tearing and flaking

Find the end, meet the end
Truth or Dare, a coin
Broken bottles, broken bones

Tell me, sister
Have you ever wanted scarred knees and dirt under your nails?

Tell me, brother
Have you ever wanted to kiss the moon?

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Aug 2018
take a baseball bat to
your brother's car.
strike out and
light your matchstick bones,
burning a high fever that
scorches your torn-paper skin,
branding your shattered limbs with the
ink-black, swirling lightning of
your childhood's summer storms.
a tattooed promise along
taut shoulders, bearing,
like atlas, the sky,
with the north star
guiding you towards
peaceful slumber, and
home.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Nov 2018
The sun rises and sets
yet it stays still;
the revolution of celestial stars
is motion in appearance only.
I go about my business but
day by day I stay the same,
perfectly still and unchanged.
The illusion of influence
is just as effective as the
effect itself.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
Without exception, everything on this physical plane...
It's temporary.

Beauty is fleeting, love is a lie,
You Only Live Once, and everyone dies.
Youth is a memory within a few years.
Don't get attached, save a few tears.

What's a friend, but someone who'll leave?
I can't see how you're all so naive.
Let your hopes rise, they'll come crashing down.
If you try to swim you'll only drown.

Really, in the end,  we're all gonna die.
Trying to live will only make you wanna cry.
It's much better just to feel nothing at all.
If you try to fly your just gonna fall.

My heart in your hands, my life between your jaws.
Tear out my jugular, rake me with your claws.
Prove my every doubt right, the cynic I am.
Trust only renders you a sacrificial lamb.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
(dedicated to the poet, critic, and anarchist, Sir Herbert Read)

inherently poetry is a unique form of satire
a pathway paved by individuals towards soft rebellion
a revolt intended to spur the populace towards original thought
similar to how a dandelion,
considered a ****,
grows through concrete anyway,
a slow, deliberate strength
that can only be possessed by life
and of course poetry is this life,
the measure of one's soul
laid bare to convict and encourage
humanity without its mask is the individual
who, while supported by others,
is independent in themselves
and can thrive off of their own art
while leading and following others through theirs

h.f.m.
"The great modern heresy in poetry is to confuse the use we make of words in a poem with modalities of speech...For true poetry is never speech but always a song."

"Revolt, it will be said, implies violence; but this is an outmoded, an incompetent conception of revolt. The most effective form of revolt in this violent world we live in is non-violence."

"The farther a society progresses, the more clearly the individual becomes the antithesis of the group."

"The modern work of art, as I have said, is a symbol."

"That is why I believe that art is so much more significant than either economics or philosophy. It is the direct measure of man's spiritual vision."

"The worth of a civilization or a culture is not valued in the terms of its material wealth or military power, but by the quality and achievements of its representative individuals - its philosophers, its poets and its artists."

"Art is pattern informed by sensibility."

"I know of no better name than Anarchism."

"The point I am making is that in the more primitive forms of society the individual is merely a unit; in more developed forms of society he is an independent personality."

-quotes by Sir Herbert Edward Read
Hannah Marr May 2018
Ink scrawled on a torn scrap of paper incensed with dire intent and the stink of fear,
to scented stationary with loopy handwriting and 'I's dotted with hearts.
There is no real comparison, is there?
But each is a letter to those the writer cares about,
informing them of
a milestone decision.
Each letter is a turning point
that cannot be taken back,
symbolism of an end
and a new beginning.
Whichever way you look at it,
each paper, lined with letters,
is a flirt, with endings or otherwise.
Really, how different is death to love?
Are they really so dissimilar?

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2019
Today the magpie cried 'salvation'
As I woke to tangled sheets
Binding bare, shaking legs.
My bed released me hesitantly,
Reluctant to entrust me to the day's devices.
Stormclouds buzz behind grey eyes
That vacantly watch steam rise in wisps
From a cup clutched in trembling hands.
Marshal the troupes,
Pen, paper, caffeine fix in hand,
An orderly retreat into the inner sanctum.
Today the magpie cried in dawn light.
I rolled over and went back to sleep.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
noun

1. you think you know what i am? you know nothing.

2. 'crazy,' you mutter, strapping me in white with buckles and soothing words of false promise. 'delusional,' you whisper, bolting the door of this padded room and leaving me behind with the echoes of your footsteps. 'formidable,' you admit, in the quiet of your thoughts as tendrils of fear take root. at least you have one thing right.

3. are you listening? i am the end of all things. you cannot hope to contain me. i see all, i know all, i am all. there is nowhere i cannot escape to track you down. there is nowhere you can hide. i will find you.

4. it is written in the stars. my rise, from the ashes of this prison that smells of antiseptic and lemons and sickness. my *******, of this disintegrating world and all others. my fulfillment, of all and every purpose. you will bow. you will all bow. nothing will be as before.

5. i am everything. i am the world. i am you.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Aug 2020
i.
i carry my battles on my sleeve like the heart everyone tells me i hold too bare to keep in one piece as if it is my choice to let everyone see my thoughts and gut-wrenching knowing as if i am some book for them to skim and speak of as if they understand even if they did not read the beginning. do i look like the kind of person who can be anything less than bursting at the seams with knowing and asking and hurting and feeling and wanting and wonder?

ii.
i have a paper due in four hours but instead i’m writing poetry as if that can stem my thoughts and pin my writhing mind down long enough to form something similar to coherence because i can hardly use i was having a bad day as an excuse to hand in fifteen percent of my grade late now can i?

iii.
there are people perched on the rail of my balcony who are snorting stardust as they try to convince me that their backs are ****** because they used to hold wings. they tell me that god loves me and i accept it, but when they tell me i can help save the world i can’t help but look for the lie.

iv.
i would like to believe that someday i could be brave that someday i could be more than scattered thoughts that don’t come out right unless they’re written down and shaking hands that sometimes can hardly hold a pen to paper.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Jun 2018

                There's a wall between us.
I can only hear your voice when
                                                          I'­m pressed flush against it,
                                      every brick imprinted on my skin
                                                    like that one time
           in the school bathroom when
                                             you pinned me and stole my breath away.

                 Your voice is so faint,
                                  so hoarse and broken
       filled with pain.
                                  My heart
                                                    aches every time your voice cracks
                             or you
                                              start coughing until you can't
                       breathe.

What have they done to you
                                      to hurt you like this?
                To take your voice and
                                                             ­         tear it from your throat and
                                                      fill it with so much
                                          dust and thorns.
—and yet.
                                                 And yet.
       Despite the wall.
                     Despite the pain.
                                    Despite it all,
    You still try to laugh and coax
                                                            ­            a laugh out of
                                                 me, and
                                                             ­               you tell story
                                                           ­     after story
                                                           ­               after story
              in an attempt to keep me calm.
                          Even at death's door,
                                              your only concern is for me.

            Can't you see
                                                             ­                    your death
                                is the surest thing to
                                                              ­         break
                                                           me?

                                                         h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Aug 2020
I HAVE BEEN THINKING —THOUGH SINCE I AM A SENTIENT CREATURE OF A PARTICULARLY EXISTENTIAL TEMPERAMENT, THAT IS AN UNNECESSARY STATEMENT BEYOND SIMPLE INTRODUCTION— BUT I HAVE BEEN THINKING AND MY MIND HAS DECIDED TO WANDER ONCE AGAIN DOWN A WELL-TRODDEN PATH OF DECAYED LEAVES AND LEANING TREES AND SHADOWED CREATURES GLIMPSED OUT OF THE CORNER OF AN EYE —A PATH THAT I CANNOT SEEM TO FENCE OFF. MY MIND’S A TRACEUR, AND MENTAL PARKOUR IS UNSURPRISINGLY EFFECTIVE AGAINST THE SIMPLE CHAIN-LINK FENCE ONE MAKES ON THEIR OWN WITH HOME-BAKED COPING MECHANISMS AND INSPIRATIONAL WORDS PASTED OVER OLD WALLPAPER.

I’VE TRIED MY BEST TO CONTAIN THE DAMAGE, BUT OFTEN I FIND MYSELF WRITING IT OFF AS COLLATERAL. I LOSE SEVERAL HOURS, ADRIFT IN MY HEAD DOWN TWISTING PATHS WORN INTO THE FOREST FLOOR BY ANIMALS ARMED WITH TEETH AND CLAWS AND BURNING EYES, AND ALL I CAN DO IS EXCUSE IT, BECAUSE WHO AM I WITHOUT MY OVERACTIVE THOUGHTS? WHAT AM I IF I AM NOT ALWAYS REACHING INWARDS AND OUTWARDS TO TRY AND MAKE SENSE OF THE UNKNOWABLE?

IF IT IS INSANITY, TO REACH FOR WHAT YOU CAN NEVER HAVE AND TO TRY AND KNOW WHAT YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND, THEN I MIGHT VERY WELL BE INSANE. HONSELTY, THERE IS VERY LITTLE I CAN DO TO AVOID IT.

THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH THAT, REALLY, IS THAT I AM LONESOME LIKE THIS.  MY TONGUE TRIPS ON THE TANTALIZING WITTICISMS THAT MIGHT OTHERWISE ENTICE COMPANIONSHIP, CAUGHT UP IN THE COBWEBS OF MY SKITTERING, BRANCHING THOUGHTS. WORDS STUMBLE OVER EACH OTHER IN A SWIFT WHITE-WATER RIVER OF SPEECH THAT HARDLY MAKE IT PAST MY LIPS BEFORE THE NEXT THOUGHT IS WORMING ITS WAY TO THE FOREFRONT.

TIME AND TIME AGAIN, I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO SLOW DOWN, TO TEMPER MYSELF, BUT HOW CAN I EVER SETTLE FOR BEING LESS THAN I AM? I AM LONELY, SURELY, BUT I THINK IT WOULD ONLY BE MORE ISOLATING TO KNOW THE PERSON NEXT TO ME AND KNOW THAT THEY WILL NEVER TRULY COMPREHEND ME IN TURN.

THAT IS OKAY, THOUGH. I WOULD NOT WANT THEM TO TRIP ON THE VINES OF PAST AND PAIN AND COMPOUNDING DEPRECATION THAT WEAVE THEMSELVES THROUGH THE SLIGHTEST GAPS IN MY PSYCHE WHENEVER THE OPPORTUNITY PRESENTS ITSELF. NO ONE DESERVES THAT. IT IS BETTER THAT I AM ALONE.

ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Jun 2019
i.
this is a song called fear and it consists of late nights crying silently in the bathroom and the sound of falling without hitting the ground.

ii.
you always used to run your fingers through my hair, a guardian angel from the next room over, whenever i startled awake at night, struggling to remember how to expel the air from my lungs. you were too soft on me, murmuring heartbreaking words of encouragement and wonder. if only you knew that my dreams were not loss of fire but loosing of rage, and you were the only casualty (casualty of my own internal conflict, acidic self-loathing attacking this peculiar kind of love).

iii.
i will not leave you,
a whisper in what sounds like your voice, but this cold heart of mine cannot hope to believe it. i have been left too many times to count, by all but the demons dancing around the bonfire of my mind. you may love me as you say, brother, but i will only cause you pain.

iv.
i am always running, running, running, the soles of my shoes melting into the tarmac with heat rising in waves to blur the air (or it could just be my tired eyes playing their old tricks). the monsters are nipping at my heels, and i would not be able to live with myself if i led them to you.

v.
please forgive me for what i must do to protect my family (to protect you).

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Aug 2020
MY WALLS AREN’T CORKBOARD BUT THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE WITH ALL THE STRINGS AND SCRAPS OF TATTERED NOTEBOOK PAPER PASTED ALL OVER THEM, A MAP OF FALSE CORRELATIONS COMPOUNDING UPON EACH OTHER TO MAKE SOMETHING THAT COULD BE A COUSIN OF PLOT, A PORTRAIT OF SOME KIND OF STORY THAT’S REALLY JUST SEVERAL HALF-FORMED PANIC ATTACKS IN A TRENCHCOAT.

I CAN’T MOVE MY ARM. IS THIS AN INTERVENTION? MY HANDS ARE SHAKING AROUND AN OLD DEAD PEN I’VE NEVER HAD THE COURAGE TO THROW OUT. I SUPPOSE SENTIMENTALITY WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME YET.

ALL THE PATCHWORK PEOPLE I’VE INVITED INTO MY HEAD ARE TRYING TO GET MY ATTENTION. THEY’RE SCREAMING SO LOUD AND ONE LITTLE BOY WITH MIDNIGHT HAIR FULL OF STARS IS HOLDING MY FINGERS SO TIGHTLY YOU’D THINK I’D DISAPPEAR IF HE LET GO. HIS EYES ARE WIDE AND PALE AND AFRAID BUT THE CROWD OF US ARE ALL ALONE IN MY HEAD SO I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS HE FEARS.

DO YOU THINK HEAVEN SMELLS LIKE INK AND OLD BOOKS AND THE DUST OF CENTURIES GATHERING IN THE CORNERS OF EMPTY ROOMS? MAYBE WHEN I GET THERE I CAN FORGET ABOUT THE STATIC ENCROACHING ON THE EDGES OF MY MIND AND FINALLY TAKE A CHANCE TO BREATHE.

I HAD A TALK WITH GOD LAST NIGHT. THEY TOLD ME I SHOULD TRY TO SLEEP AND IN THE MORNING I WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE STRAIGHT WITHOUT LIGHT FILTERING INTO A KALEIDOSCOPIC FRINGE AROUND THE EDGES OF MY VISION. I LAUGHED AND TOLD THEM SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK. THEY ONLY SIGHED AND REPLIED IN KIND WITH AN ASSURANCE THAT VULNERABILITY IS NO WEAKNESS AT ALL.

MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DREAM BOY IS HOLDING UP MY WEIGHTED BLANKET AND PEERING OVER IT WITH WET EYES. I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE CRIMINAL TO MAKE AN IMAGINARY CHILD CRY.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
It's 8pm, but why does that matter?
8pm is a world of home movies and cuddles and steaming tea,
where time is put on hold for a while, just to
give us a moment to breathe, lean in, and sigh,
"This is us, this relaxed euphoria. This is us, this retreat from the dawn and the brutal day."

It's 10pm, but what difference does that make?
10 pm is a world of computer screens and soft music and stories,
where time stretches and bends, shaping itself to
the space around you, murmuring just out of your sight,
"This is us, this peaceful calm. This is us, this rest from the dawn and the bustling day."

It's midnight, but does that mean anything, really?
Midnight is a world of shadows and streetlights and fog,
where infinity is a moment, a breath of space to
grasp with cold fingers to bring to one's mouth and whisper,
"This is us, this cool desolation. This is us, this retribution against the dawn and the burning day."

It's 2am, but what does that have to do with anything?
2am is a world of pauses and hesitations and waking dreams,
where time has a physical, transparent form to
inhabit like this liminal skin that hisses and cries and hums,
"This is us, this recurring threshold. This is us, this barrier against the dawn and the broken day."

It's 4am, but who cares?
4am is a world of laughter and grins and reckless abandon,
where we are liberated from our corporeal forms to
transcend the bonds of duty and responsibility, singing,
"This is us, this ethereal dance. This is us, this rebellion against the dawn and the belligerent day."

It's 6am, but is it?
6am is a world of last chances and final requests and goodbyes,
where the time-slipping of the night is fading to
be replaced by the inevitability of the rising sun, sighing,
"This is us, this new ending. This is us, this poem against the dawn and the bothersome day."

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
Is there a greater manifestation of summer than
laughing and singing late into the night to fall asleep
under the stars with dust and leaves
tangled in your hair and the memory of
soft lips on your collar bones and the crook of
your neck because if there is
I would need undoubteable irrefutable proof.

He was young and wild and beautiful,
a match that would burn itself out to ignite the world.

He was a pretty boy,
but with scratched knees and ****** knuckles,
a testament to the truth that beauty is pain.

He is a warrior without a war,
a rebel without a cause,
a king without a crown,
and an angel without wings.

He is flickering, fading.

Paradox.

Enigma.

"Do no harm," he says. "No more harm."
But his hands are balled into fists
And the world is burning, burning, burning
As I try to capture human nature
With merely a pen and paper

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr May 2018
Counting sheep
(cliche, i know, but sometimes it works. it bores you to tears first, but eventually you can drift off)

Write a mental list of things you are thankful for
(some nights this is harder than others, but it helps build pathways of positive thinking. at least, according to psychology)

Think of all the things that made you smile today
(there will be days that this doesn't work, but it might just earn you one more smile on the better days, and whatever sleep you get'll be more restful)

Turn off screens, and keep electronics out of your room
(you're probably thinking oh now she's just being bossy or yeah, i've heard enough about this from the scientists but it works most of the time. try it)

Meditation
(people usually connect this to come religion or superstition but really it just relaxes your mind and body, slowing your heart rate and calming your thoughts)

h.f.m.
I'll add to this as I think of more. Feel free to add to it in the comments or message me and I'll add it to my list.
Hannah Marr May 2018
some would say that
'soulful'
would be the opposite of
'soulless'
but i don't think that is
quite right

to be 'soulless' is to have
soul, less

to be 'soulful' it to have
soul, full

two sides of the same coin
not contradictions

as an antonym for
'soulful'
i would propose
'empty'
or
'barren'
or
'void'
as opposed to the common
misconception
of 'soulless'

to be 'soulful' is to be
'brimming'
or
'bursting'
or
'overflowing'
with this concept of 'soul'
and 'soulless'
is not necessarily an
exception
to possessing
'soul'

'those who do not care
once cared to much'
right?

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Jun 2019
i.
your prose ache for company, a set of romantic ideals long bound in a strongbox labeled socially discouraged. you dont understand why they want you to treat her like some flower when she is one of those old-growth firs who has a soul older than you have ever lived and who will still be standing long after you are gone. you do not see the sense in treating her like glass when she is a steel-forged blade.

ii.
even still, you suppose you are a hopeless romantic, only you wish the roles could be reversed. you are weaker than her by far, and the both of you know it, so why must the prince save the princess from the dragon? (my thoughts are dragons, you write in black, erasable ink. dragons and fire.) you think that if you were to face down a dragon, whether or not there is a princess to save, it would swallow you whole.

iii.
flowers and chocolate and love poems are all part of the stereotypical romantic cliche, but youve never received any yourself. you wonder if you even deserve any

iv.
but listen, listen, little whiteboard poet. she may be strong and she may be sharp and she may have depths you could never hope to search, but just like you trace temporary words when no one is around, ive seen the way she looks at you when you arent paying attention. worry not, scholarly prince, your warrior princess is coming.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
it is odd to think that
                                   time isn't real
but it is more odd to believe
                    that it is

          if time was real                                                             ­ 
it would be a walk in the park to                
turn back the clock to                        
fix a little mistake and          
put things in place to  
your satisfaction

---

                              it is odd to think that
          life has an end destination
but it is more odd to believe    
that it doesn't

          if life didn't have a end destination                      
     there would be no point to                        
going to school to                            
      prepare for a journey and            
         for a satisfying life in order to  
leave an impact        

---

                           it is odd to think that
                    people can change
but it is more odd to believe that                  
people can't

if people couldn't change                              
it would be difficult to                        
find the will to                            
put effort into friends and
        a future partner one day to
    spend your life with

---

it is odd to think that
written words can leave a mark
but it is more odd to believe
that they can't

if written words couldn't leave a mark
what would be the point of this poem?

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr May 2018
I'm fine, really.
You may not believe me.
I write out my woes and they seem insurmountable,
but that's because sadness is so much easier to write.
So yes, I'm fine.
Really.
Ignore my depressing stanzas and tear-filled rhymes.
They don't mean as much as they look like they do.
I'm fine,
trust me.
There isn't as much pain here as there appears to be.
I have good grades and a loving family.
I'm fine,
it's just me.
I'm the only demon in my head,
this voice comes naturally.
I'm fine,
I admit it freely.
It has nothing to do with the shadows
when I say these poems come easily.

To those who may be concerned,
I'm fine. I am. Really.
It's just sometimes...
No, I'm being silly.
I'm fine.
I'm really just fine.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr May 2018
this toxic paradox is
me
running with the wild crowd, just leave me
be
brutally binding myself and wishing to be
free
i am burning, burning can't you
see?
struggling to live but dying in order to
flee
bury me like roots, i'll sprout into a
tree
cut me down and sacrifice me to the
sea
listen to my words, acknowledge my
plea
entomb me, avalanche, cover me in
scree
help me, save me, have you the
key?
father, spirit, son, the holy
three
forgive me my inevitable killing
spree
this toxic paradox is
me

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr May 2018
Paranoia pondered the cruelty of war
Stalked by haunting visages of bullets flying past
Clutched at the last stray memories of the happiest times
When saint and sinner walked side by side
Paranoia pleaded with the skeletons of wartime
Sensitive to the tyranny in the streets
To trade pain for peace
And trials for trust
But the speech went unheeded
Breath gone to waste
The carnivorous dogs of war feasted on hate and fear and lies
They're in the cities and the countryside, wreaking havoc  
A threat of human design we dare not confront
We riot in the streets over small things
And are too ashamed to speak for the victims of our own making

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
i met my lover by the old juniper tree
in the dead of night when none could see
a song in my heart and a ring in his hand
he slipped onto my finger that bright silver band

i met my lover by the old juniper tree
a week had passed by most merrily
a tear in his eye and blood on his skin
he confessed to committing a foul sin

i met my lover by the old juniper tree
he convinced me to come with him to flee
a bag in my grip and a fear in my heart
no time for goodbyes, we hastened to depart

i met my lover by the old juniper tree
i learned a desperate man was he
he had lies on his name, and that one ring
his faithlessness had tried from him to wring

i met my lover by the old juniper tree
he asked did i love him, since he loved me?
truth on my tongue and a blade in my fist
i cursed him for breaking our midnight tryst

i met my lover by the old juniper tree
he knelt at my feet to make his plea
sorrow on his lips and love in his eye
i watched my unfaithful lover die

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr May 2018
i don't know how i can put this
but i hope you understand
(who am i kidding,
you probably know better than i do)

these words, on this page
it's the best i can come up with
but they don't quite hold my intent
don't convey what i mean
(you know what I'm saying, right?
you've been here before)

poetry is supposed to be
thoughts on paper
thoughts given voice
but these words aren't saying
what they ought to
(you feel me?)

it's always the hardest thoughts
that are the hardest to portray
the ones that hurt the most
and mean the most
and affect the most
all these secrets that
I don't know
how to
share
(you know what i mean?)

english is such a coarse tongue
a language of stolen words
and inadequate grammar
how can anyone
communicate with it
if even i, a native speaker
cannot make myself
properly understood?
how can i make anyone understand?
(if you have secrets to speech and comprehension
please bestow me with such power)

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
This place is constricting
My world is too small
A handful of towns, tied together with a few roads
A highway or two, lifelines
Beyond my borders the world still isn't big enough
There aren't enough destinations on the map to sate my curiosity
I feel like a dog on a leash, straining to be free
To run by untamed waters, to traverse great fields
Reined in by my handler
Preventing me from losing myself to the unknown
I supposed I can understand the sentiment
If I ever left to explore, I don't know if I'd come back
But my confinement chaffes like a noose

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Feb 2019
does it mean something
if my lungs catch on fire
whenever i see you?

h.f.m.
haiku
Hannah Marr Sep 2018
i.
i wonder why i write anymore
why i agonize over a few lines of ink
on a piece of paper
what am i even trying to say?
i keep contradicting myself:
in one poem i decry my pain,
and plead for anyone to
heed what i hide
in the next

ii.
these words have no rhythm
no measure no
plan
they are
as senseless and chaotic
as
my desire for
rest and my
aversion
from sleep

iii.
do these thoughts even
mean anything?
are these thoughts
even real?
am i
real?

iv.
time is running
but i'm not going to chase it
there's no reason to
when it ends, it ends
and i don't particularly want to extend it

v.
i don't know what i want anymore

vi.
i don't know what i am

vii.
why am i here?

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Aug 2020
i.
when I speak sometimes I wish I could catch the words in the air and hold their fluttering-stabbing-twisting in my cupped hands and reshape them into what I meant to say, into something that would brush the shell of your ear softly instead of slip through your fourth and fifth ribs.

ii.
I hope it isn’t too forward of me to say that I don’t think that things can be broken. that is to say, that I don’t think broken things cannot be their own whole. everything is pieces of other things, fitting together like a child first learning how to put a puzzle together and forcing the pieces to go where they want and be whatever they choose.

I don’t know if that metaphor makes any sense to you, but I hope you can understand what I’m getting at anyway.

hurt doesn’t define you. your past isn’t a rope around your neck. my love is not conditional upon some arbitrary state of “wholeness.”

there is such a thing as wellness, yes, and I want that for you, for us, but that does not always mean returning to the state of self you inhabited before your pain. the human being is an ephemeral, ever-changing creature, and I will not love you less if I have to meet you again.

if I have to rediscover you as you heal, then I will. if I have to show you how I have refused my splintered pieces into a new shape myself, then I will.

I will love you gladly, unconditionally, vulnerably.

iii.
do you understand me? I have a scar on the inside of my thigh, but I don’t remember where it’s from. I have tiny, scattered patches along the underside of my jaw from when I’d pick at uneven skin. I have accumulated all sorts of scratch-thin, white lines across the backs of my hands and my forearms. stretch marks dash in lightning patterns under my clothes. do you think less of me for them?

iv.
I can be harsh like a blunt-force weapon when my attention slips, my shoulders a bastion of defensive tension, all sharp lines and a diamond-hard glint in storm-grey eyes. do you think this makes me ungentle? do you think I cannot form myself into a shelter if I so desired?

despite my rough-hewn edges and whip-like tongue, I’d like to think I can provide some sort of comfort, some level of reliability.

you don’t have to be soft, my love, but I find that sometimes it pays to be kind.

v.
once I saw you sitting in the park, fingers buried so deep in the tangled grass it looked like you were trying to take root.

it takes a certain kind of perspective, I think, to listen to things like trees. individual pillars, yes, but connected at the roots. isn’t that like what we are supposed to be? bound at the core with enough self-governance to reach for the sky, the wind and sunlight tangled within our reach.

vi.
you don’t need to worry about being enough for me. you will always be enough.

h.f.m.
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